NQR - venting families - long

[Quilting Heidi]

OK so I just need to chat. My mom is having a partial knee replacement next week, she found out for sure today and scheduled for next Friday. So she calls me from the doctors office because she just wants me to know and then tells me the doctor wants to talk to me. She called me back when he was available and he was very nice. He told me he wished I had come with her today. LOL I'll bet he did! She saw him a couple of weeks ago and they were waiting on one more test which came last week. He now feels that the partial knee replacement is the only thing that will relieve her pain. He told me that she basically is bone on bone and that if he goes in to removed the torn meniscus (sp?) that it wouldn't do much for her to relieve her pain. Now I'm not a doctor and I'm not one to want to know tons of details. Tell me the facts and if it sounds reasonable and I'm comfortable with you as a doctor then I'm fine going with your advice as a doctor. He was very reasonable and said that if it were his mother he would want her to get the surgery but that he would be happy for her to have a 2nd opinion. My mother is insistant that it be done next week because you know it has to be done so that she is able to shovel snow! She kills me. I'd rather her slow down a little but I understand the need to just get it over with. I also know that she is scared to death to loose the mobility of her leg. She has diabetes and neuropathy which is a complication of the diabetes. Basically she has no feeling from the ankles up on both legs. She is terrified that if her knees keep getting worse then she'll not be able to walk. I have seen her knees lock up on her to the point that it takes her 5 minutes to get moving. The artheritis in her right knee is pretty bad according to the doctor and he is not the first one to tell her that.

OK so she decides that she is comfortable with this and wants it done. Again her decision. I will do whatever I have to get her through it. I had already told my boss of the possible surgery and I've got plenty of time to take off if needed. Family first! She only lives 2 miles from me so that won't be a problem. I understand that she wants to be at home but I also know that if needed I'll bring her home with me and set up a room downstairs and bring her cats over. I'll have to lock my cat up in my upstairs. Anyway she calls my brothers wife and tells her and she is totally against it. Her mother died of diabetes and she is scared to death. Well my mother didn't call my brother until tonight and by that time my SIL had told him about the surgery. He reacted in his usual hurt childish way. You know the child who wasn't picked first and pouts and acts out. Scary that he is 47! Told my mother that he didn't agree with it and she is on her own and that he hoped I had made the right decision for her because I could help her pick out the color of her artifical leg or bury her! Isn't that special? Just what your mom needs to hear before she goes in for major surgery! I don't want to go to jail so I won't go kill my brother. I did call him and his wife up and tried to talk. My brother wouldn't get on the phone. I talked to my SIL and my brother spouted off in the background. I remained calm and told them my view of things and assured them that this was my mothers call not mine. I also reminded them of what a strong-willed woman she was so surely I didn't make up her mind for her. I told them that if this is her decision that the last thing she needs is for them to act like this and they will just have to learn to deal with their fear. I said it nicely. I really wanted to say a lot moe and not so nice but I made sure to talk to myself before I made the call.

OK I just really needed to get this off my chest! Anybody out there that has had this and can give me any advice I'm listening. OK I feel better. Thanks for reading!

Heidi

[Bonnie]

I still have my shovel ya wanta borrow it...can have it to you by 8am...if needed....

[lindasewsit]

Hi Heidi! Well, I haven't had this exact kind of problem, but I do feel for you!! It is hard to be in the middle of things! Sounds like your brother needs to grow up, but maybe there is something that is really scaring him and he just doesn't know how to deal with it. Your mom sounds like a real trooper!! Wanting to be better for when it snow shoveling time!! I'll be praying for your mom and for the doctors and especially for the relationship among you all! Just be there for your mom. take care~ linda

[BethDurand]

Oh Heidi,

I'm so sorry that you are stuck in this situation! Tell you mom to go for the total/partial knee replacement. Don't know if she's had other joint replacement, but between 2 parents, there were 3 new hips. Yes, the surgery is painful, and in fact I understand that knees are the worst. However, wouldn't this seriously improve the quality of her life? Dad used to say that when he woke up from the anesthitic that he had pain at the surgery site, but that the hip pain that he'd been living with for so long was gone.

As to the lovely relatives. Don't kill anyone (yet). They are welcome to their opinion, but they were wrong in saying the things that you have listed here to her. If they want to share their fears, let them do it with each other, and not with mom.

I'm very impressed that you were able to be nice in your rebuttal, I doubt I would have been able to contain myself. Both you and your mom are going to get through this situation, and I wouldn't be surprised to find that she was out at the first sign of snow with her shovel. My 79 yo father in law is currently down mudding and taping the sheetrock in our kitchen, so I know where you are coming from.

Keep us posted, we're praying, crossing fingers and looking up good attorneys (just in case.)

Hugs to everyone,

Beth

[Quilting Heidi]

Thanks guys I knew you would make me feel better. Mom is difficult at best. She is a worker though and I can't fault her for that. She will no doubt drive me crazy and I am really worried about her healing. Diabetes is a difficult and it can complicate things. I told mom this is her call. I won't tell her what I would do in her shoes and I wouldn't want anybody doing that to me. I'll just say an extra prayer for a speedy recovery.

As for my brother, oh I've had lots of practice. I was actually pretty proud of myself. I really had a few choice words for him but kept them to myself because it wouldn't help. He is scared and I know that is what caused him to react like he did. He is also very jealous. It comes from growing up. He was the oldest so my mother and father always told him he had to be first. Everything is a competition for him. He would probably even try to quilt just to prove he could do it better. LOL he is so talented. He can build absolutely anything and he is so smart. I just wish he could get over it and be the great guy I know he can be.

Bonnie - hmmm you live close...I'll keep that in mind!

[DB]

Heidi, Again Bonnie and I are to the rescue. This is the plan. Stop by Bonnie's, grab the shovel and hoof it east with your brother (and the idiot you work with if he's still bugging you) on the Mass Turnpike. The grass hasn't started growing over the septic tank and the previous offer still holds. At least now they'll have company.

Dianne

Hope we meet at MQX

[ffq-lar]

Inhale...

Exhale...

Inhale...

Exhale...

Now, where is that new box of garbage bags? And will I need to bring my own shovel?

[Bonnie]

Dianne....Sorry, but said idiot decided to quit his job....at least that is one headache Heidi doesn't have anymore. So said brother will be all alone and wishing he hadn't met us. Linda, I have to many shovels...just grab the sacks...besides it will be easier to get on the airplane if you don't have to explain the shovel...:cool:

[Quilting Heidi]

:D:D You guys did put a big old smile on my face! Good to know and I'll keep it in mind. Dianne the one idiot at work resigned and has been gone for a month and guess what, nobody misses him! I just now have to do his job and mine but oh wait I did that most of the time before! We aren't even starting interviews until the first week in December! At least I'm one of 3 that will do individual interviews with the applicants. Maybe my boss will listen to me this time...OK one can hope!

As for my brother well some things never change and I'm sure he won't. We'd have a really hard time trying to get control of that one!

Linda I'm practicing the breathing!

[Boni]

I can't help with the family relationships, but I have a very close friend who had a hip, and both knees done within one year. I watched her for a couple of years before the surgery and she was to the point of crying in church because it hurt so bad to stand up. She is a strong woman, overweight, and loves to travel. After the surgery, she lost 40 pounds by dieting, and I haven't seen her cry since. She smiles when she stands up, and she and her husband are always traveling somewhere to visit family and friends.

I also have an aunt who has been obese all her life. She loves food. When she was faced with knee replacement surgery, the doctor told her it would be best if she lost weight first. My aunt told him where to put that diet--and it wasn't in the filing cabinet if you know what it mean. They even delayed the surgery because she was having heart flutters at the time. Long story, but the ending is happy. After the surgery, she lost weight too. She is back playing piano, and enjoying her garden club, and going places with DH.

If your mother is strong, sounds like she would benefit from the surgery. It's too bad that your brother can't see it for HER benefit. You're a good daughter to offer your support and take care of her until she can be on her own.

Hope everything goes well for all. I'll pray for you.

[gardenslug]

Dear Heidi - say a few prayers, have a good Dr. and , if he feels confident, your mother should, also. I am in my mid-seventies and I have had major shoulder surgery and I have had two knee replacements. The last one I had two years ago. I am not a diabetic and am sure the Dr. knows that your Mom is and has taken that into consideration.

Now another thought - The hospital where I had my surgery had another unit called TCU (transitionary care unit). I went to this unit right from hospital after 2 days. If your Mom is on medicare, they will pay if the Dr. words the paperwork correctly. You might check to see if they have something similar in your area. It was wonderful. I had therapy twice a day and it was on a one-to-one basis. There was a full therapy unit just down the hall. I was there for 10 days and when I got home, I could completely function on my own. They showed you so many things - the proper way to get in and out of bed,

getting your socks on. Just little things you will find difficult. They had solutions for them. Although, there is a difference - I did have full knee replacements. Sounds like your Mom is pretty positive about this surgery and that is important.

Will keep her in my prayers.

Marilyn

[hollyc]

OMG, I could have written this email amost verbatum! LOL Mothers who are martyrs.

[Sams Mom]

Oh Heidi,

You gotta love your siblings! Because you can, to some point, justify your parent's craziness, but the craziness of your sibling will always have that little sting to it.

My sister is coming next week to participate in my quilting group's quilt retreat. Instead of shipping/packing a machine she is going to use one of mine. Now, she couldn't physically climb out from under the pile of quilts I've pieced not to mention the hundreds I quilted. God Love Her but she's asked twice if my machine could sew a good quarter inch seam. Ouch!

GOOD LUCK!

Donna

[roberta]

I sent you a U2U.

[Neher-in-law5]

Heidi, I wish you and your family the best in going through this!

Donna, I understand the "sting" from the sister! We just had a family reunion this last weekend and I am becoming more and more convinced that I do not have the same style of personality as the majority of my siblings! I could have gagged more than one of them. One time years ago, one sister gave me clothes from her daughter for my daughter. She had a small note in the bag the size of an index/recipe card. She told me 3 times to be sure to wash the red jeans separately. The note was only on one side with 3 lines on the back. I had been married for 7 years already and had 4 kids. I think I knew how to do laundry!

Maybe I need to learn that breathing technique too.

[Bonnie]

Originally posted by hollyc

OMG, I could have written this email amost verbatum! LOL Mothers who are martyrs.

I would have had to put my mom on this list....she was the queen of this group....bless her I lost her about 13 years ago, but trust me I don't miss the drama.

Donna....gotta love her....and to quote the lead penquin in Madagascar "Smile and wave boys, just smile and wave"...sometimes its easier to do this, than to acknowledge how dumb their comments were.

[kennan100]

As someone who has cronic pain with the associated mobilty issues and weight gain, I gotta say that if there were a surgery that I could have that would allow me to go the places and do the things I used to do I would not think twice! Diabetes is not a new disease that Doctors have no clue about dealing with, and this is not anyones decision but your mother's. It really sounds like your SIL freaked out, applied everything she experienced to your mother and just hammered your brother with it. Your mother is the one to handle this. He's her son and I'm postive she hasn't forgotton how to tie a knot in his tail and pull him up short. She really doesn't need his permission to do this. (speaking of gagging, now where's that duct tape....Bonnie, save me a shovel!)

[QuiltFaerie]

I am probably the wrong person to ever ask about family issues. I refer to my brother as the Village Idiot, so I think that about sums things up for me.

[DB]

Ok, If everyone shows up with a shovel we can this done in no time. Then can someone help me improve my feathers?

Dianne

Kenna, Where in Texas are you? A good friend of mine is in Plano.

[Quilting Heidi]

Thanks guys! OK so my name for my oldest brother is "homicidal maniac!" He is a loose cannon and he goes off the deep end very easily. He usually explodes and then becomes more rational. I still may need all you shovelers though so be on stand by! It makes me crazy that my family is like this. My mother is good at stirring the pot and of course it is never, I mean NEVER, the boys fault! Everybody usually asks me how I turned out normal but you know I'm not sure what normal is. We'll get through this and I so appreciate that you all don't mind me posting this NQR problem. I sure appreciate hearing from all of you who would go through this to make the pain go away. I'll keep you all posted.

[JoleneK]

Heidi, we're one big family here. We're here to support, uplift, praise, bring down to earth and protect or use a shovel over the heads of those that might hurt our extended family members. You have a large number of friends that will help bury a body for you . So tell your brother to grow up or else!

I'll be keeping your mother and you in my prayers.

[BethDurand]

So any news today? Keep us posted, and I'm sure the prayers will be continuing as surgery day approaches.

[sammi357]

hugs, Heidi.

sounds like db needs an attitude adjustment, upside the head. I'm HOPING that's what the shovels were for!! roflol! if not, a cast iron skillet does wonders.

(off topic--I knew a guy whose sister took a pretty good beating from her hubby. Then he he passed out, she sewed him up in his blanket and beat the crap out of HIM with a cast iron skillet!! Needless to say, he never raised a hand to her again.!)

This is a hard thing to go thru. it seems like one sibling always does all the work and the others bit@#!!

One thing to add, this is a TASTE of what will happen if and when something happens to your dm. She needs to get her affairs in order NOW, while she is still of sound mind and body. Certainly, everyone here could tell you the horror stories, which you don't really need right now, but forewarned is forearmed.

There is long-term care to consider, and nobody gets out of here alive. It's selfish and foolish to leave your affairs for others to sort out...especially if there are incidences such as these where you just KNOW one is going to cause trouble. If they're being weird, irrational and angry now, just wait til there's a house, car or even a small bank account!

dm and ALL your sibs need to sit down and discuss this as rational adults. If it can't be done with them, then she needs to find an atty and do it the way she wants it and assign an Power of atty.

[Quilting Heidi]

Beth,

No news today. Just talked to mom and she hasn't talked to my brother. He won't answer her calls. She talked to a friend who had both knees done at the same time and she says go for it! Mom is ok now although pretty upset about my brother's comments. I can't imagine my son going off the deepend like that or telling me I was going to loose my leg before surgery. It is a really good thing that he isn't standing in front of me and I can try to play nice. I'll keep you all posted and thanks for all the prayers. Keep them coming! Surgery will be next Friday so we have just a week to get everything ready. Won't my boss be thrilled to hear I'm taking another week off!

[Just Sew Simple]

Bless you child. My DML had hip surgery several years ago and we (family members) were in charge of here physical therapy. Yipes!!! She was a pistol anyway but when she was hurting she was a twin shooter! We finally got her fit again but I think we were the fit ones - fit to be tied! Good luck!!!