mrsbishwit Posted December 30, 2008 Report Share Posted December 30, 2008 I am still on vacation until Monday so I have been sewing on a UFO project that I started last Christmas. It is a snow flake quilt from the Quiltmaker Nov/Dec '03 issue I am making it in reds and whites instead of the blue and whites that the magazine showed. Well last year when I started it shortly after Thanksgiving it was going to be my DH's brother's wife Michelle's Christmas gift...it ended up being more time consuming than I originally thought so I ended up giving her something else instead. This past spring they got divorced, brother in-law has made it clear that he doesn't want any of the family to have any relationship with his "ex" anymore. So here is my dilema...do I continue to work on this quilt and when it does finally get done give it to her anyways, even though I may not have seen her in over a year or longer? Or do I finish it and keep it for myself or give as a gift for someone else later. What would you do if you were me? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
quiltmonkey Posted December 30, 2008 Report Share Posted December 30, 2008 I say think about it ... just let it be for a while longer. Finish it first. And, let it speak to you. It will tell you (and your heart will tell you) what you should do with it. Maybe you give it to her? Maybe you keep it? Maybe you give to someone else? Time will tell. You are so sweet, Joann. A kind woman you are. (((hugs))) PS: Your Christmas traditions you have with your kids (making the meals, etc) are so wonderful. It's things like these simple and special traditions that transcend generations and make family foundations solid and real. You are such a blessing to your DH and kids. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SandraC Posted December 30, 2008 Report Share Posted December 30, 2008 I agree with Shana wholeheartedly!!! The quilt will make itself clear in time where it belongs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ferret Posted December 30, 2008 Report Share Posted December 30, 2008 Yup, me three. Finish it and wait. If it wants to leap on your bed so be it, if it has another destiny it will tell you. Ferret Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robin Posted December 30, 2008 Report Share Posted December 30, 2008 The quilt will speak to you. I had a Christmas quilt I started last year for me and got the top done and this year was really wanting to give my very best friend something homemade by me and I remembered I had that quilt top. It was fussy cut blocks of a victorian scene alternating with pieced blocks. My friend really likes blue and this top had a lot of blue in it. Anyway, this year it spoke to me that it needed to be Mary's quilt. So I quilted it up and gave it to her. She was thrilled. I'll post a picture when I get home. I showed the quilt to a gal at work and she said "Oh that quilt looks like Mary." That was the clincher. Anyway, just listen to the quilt...it will let you know who it belongs to. And if it's you, lucky you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoleneK Posted December 30, 2008 Report Share Posted December 30, 2008 I agree with all of the above just want to add food for thought in regards to your "ex" SIL. Did the two of you have a good relationship prior to the divorce? The break up was between the couple, should your BIL have to right to decide who you can be in contact with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boni Posted December 30, 2008 Report Share Posted December 30, 2008 I made a wedding quilt once for a friend's daughter. Without going into great detail, after three years I finally finished it and gave it to them before their first child was born. That quilt sat in a UFO pile and every time I looked at it, I kept thinking I couldn't give it to anyone else, not even keep it myself. I had used some of the satin that was used in the bridesmaid dresses, so there was too much symbolism and ties to that relationship. Since I had purposed in my heart to give it as a gift to them, that's where it had to go. I hope you make the decision that is right for you and your conscience. If it keeps "talking" to you, better to let it go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Neher-in-law5 Posted December 30, 2008 Report Share Posted December 30, 2008 I agree to see what life holds when the quilt is done, enjoy working on it while you can and see where it fits. In regards to the divorce and not having anything to do with the ex: did they have kids? if so, you are still their aunt and even if the parents aren't able to get along, the kids need to be able to know both sides of their families and that the family will always be there for them. Years ago, my brother was divorced and she had total control of the nephew's life. Because we were inexperienced in divorced families, we didn't get "nosy" or try too hard to keep in touch. So the nephew wasn't able to be with our family for get togethers or visits or just to know who we are. I did make it a point to send the grad invites to both him and his mom as well as Christmas cards so when he was able to be with us he knew a little of his family. I think that has been a good thing as far as it went. I wouldn't want your family to loose the kids if at all possible. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bonnie Posted December 30, 2008 Report Share Posted December 30, 2008 Before I even got to Shana's answer or the others, I was saying the same thing...let the quilt direct you, and your feelings. Whichever you do will be the right thing. Should you give it to her...that is your direction and your brother needs to understand that....should he get his noses out of joint. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quilting Heidi Posted December 30, 2008 Report Share Posted December 30, 2008 Joann I have been where you are once and it is about to happen a 2nd time. I was friends with my SIL since 7th grade and was shocked when she started dating my brother. Any who when they divorced I was "directed" not to ever have anything to do with her again. That thought never even entered my head and we are still friends. I call her the ex-inlaw! I would never just cut somebody off because my family wanted me to. Believe me I take a lot of grief for this but I love her no matter and she is like a sister to me and just because my brother doesn't feel the same it doesn't mean he can tell me what I can or can't do. My other soon to be ex-SIL and I aren't as close but I did see her and told her she can always call me no matter! There is one ex-SIL that can stay away. LOL I didn't like her before they married and it didn't get any better. She was/is a crack pot! I am very careful though not to say bad things about her in front of her children. Even when she was a horrible mother and the girls were hurting so bad. They just don't need that pressure. I say let your heart speak to you and you will know what to do! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bekah Posted December 31, 2008 Report Share Posted December 31, 2008 I can only agree with everyone else. let the quilt and your heart tell you where it belongs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrsbishwit Posted December 31, 2008 Author Report Share Posted December 31, 2008 They have 3 kids, 2 girls and a son, ages 14, 12, & 9. My BIL has the kids every other holiday so we will still be able to see the kids. However he told all of the family on Thanksgiving (he didn't have the kids this one) that if any of us wanted to have the kids for any reason that we needed to go through him to arrange it and not Michelle. He also told us that if we ever invited Michelle to any of the family events that he would not attend. DH & I hosted Christmas Eve and wanted to invite Michelle but with all that has happened this year with my FIL dying and this divorce and another of DH's sisters who is in a bad marriage...we decided to not rock the boat, as it was my MIL was already having a hard time with the holidays. But I did call Michelle on the 23rd to wish her a Merry Christmas, she understood, and even told me that her "ex" my DH's brother sent her a nasty e-mail a few months back telling her not to bad mouth him to "his" family (she never has) and that he wanted every thing back that he ever gave her and even went as far as to tell her that she was the one to break the marriage vows first by not standing by him through an illness (gambling) she stood by him for 7 long years while he gambled away their savings, the kids college funds, ran up the credit cards & morgaged their house to the limit. And even after all of that was still willing to forgive him until he started seeing another woman on the side. I guess my BIL is trying to rewrite history and make Michelle out to be the bad guy in the divorce so he doesn't have to own up to his own mistakes. Thanks for the input...I am leaning towards giving her the quilt when it does get finished. When I first saw the quilt in the magazine it spoke to me then (Michelle decorates her house in the color red with white snowflakes each Christmas) so I guess it would always seem like it was meant for her anyway. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nora123 Posted December 31, 2008 Report Share Posted December 31, 2008 I would keep it. If you give a quilt to someone who has not really earned it will end up under their dog. Trust me on this. I made a quilt for a couple I thought were good friends. They let there older cat pee on it and then they had the gall to ask me how to fix it. I just said I made it and gave it to you and now it is yours. Nora Millennium Washougal WA Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ffq-lar Posted December 31, 2008 Report Share Posted December 31, 2008 How thoughtful of you to wonder about this potential gift. Family dynamics are tricky during/after a split, of course. Since this quilt has been "in your mind" and intended for your SIL all along, be sure the "guilts" won't set in if you keep it or present to someone else. Every time you see the finished quilt your mind may immediately focus on her and you may feel a pang or two--especially if you are still on good terms with her. Then again, if you never told her you were making the quilt for her, it's all up to you. I say, finish it, live with it a while, and then make a move. The earth won't tremble if you keep it for yourself--as long as you have good thoughts about it. It sounds wonderful! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quilting Heidi Posted December 31, 2008 Report Share Posted December 31, 2008 Joann, It is sad when family situations like this arise. My family has all sorts of issues. Not just the dirvorces but my oldest brother won't talk to the younger brother and mom is always upset every holiday about it. I end up in the middle. I have a Pre-Thanksgiving and invite both brothers and both come but my oldest brother will just ignore my younger brother even when he talks to him directly. I older brother looks right through him like he doesn't exist. It is horrible and I've told him so but like I told mom at least they will be in the same room. Mom has a lot to do with why they act the way they do. Stay friends with you ex-sil. It sounds like she really did try to work things out and there are some things that just don't work. I feel bad for the kids because they are always the ones that get hurt. We have tried to stay in touch with all of nieces and nephew but it is difficult some times. My brother really hates that I still am friends with his ex but he is too now. Goes hot and cold but I don't think he will ever just cut her out completely. I give her so much credit for always being gracious enough to talk to him again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnnHenry Posted December 31, 2008 Report Share Posted December 31, 2008 Tricky, indeed, but the husband is trying to control everyone around him, and he doesn't have that right. You have the right to choose your friends and gift whomever you please. He is acting like Hitler; people acquiesced to Hitler "to keep the peace" and look what happened. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
matildanme Posted December 31, 2008 Report Share Posted December 31, 2008 Hi Joanne, You must like your SIL Michelle a heap to even consider making a quilt for her in the first place. IMHO, unless she has done something to you personally or done something that makes you think any less of her, the quilt will always have her name on it. Using family loyalty to dictate as to whom you are to have a relationship with is selfish and unfair. I think that that we need to make up your own minds as to who we associate with. I agree with Ann when she wrote: "You have the right to choose your friends and gift whomever you please". Cheers Satu ps. I sometimes like the ex's better than siblings! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crawysong Posted December 31, 2008 Report Share Posted December 31, 2008 So just a different thought.. Why cant you finish the project and give it to the kids??? no waves w/ the BIL and the xSIL still gets to share the beauty of it a note to say Christmas wishes always with you from this side of the family too? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Calicoquilter Posted December 31, 2008 Report Share Posted December 31, 2008 Joanne, I have no sisters, only brothers. My brother's wife became like a sister to me during the 14 years that they were married. When they divorced, I made no bones about it to my brother that I would still be friends with her. Whatever happened between them was exactly that - Between Them! She has always been nice to me and much more informative on what my nephews were doing. They have been divorced for over 10 years now and I still keep in touch with her. Unfortunately, we live several states away from each other but I would not let my brother dictate who I could or could not be friends with. Colleen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SandraG Posted December 31, 2008 Report Share Posted December 31, 2008 Joanne, She will always be the mother of your nieces and nephews!!! And, your BIL is not "the boss of you.!!! And like everyone else, do what your heart tells you to do. He is angry and maybe someone should remind him that he and his former wife will always have a relationship b/c of their children. It sounds to me like he wants to control what everybody does. Life is too short to worry about his reactions if you choose to continue a relationship with you former SIL. Sandra Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sammi357 Posted December 31, 2008 Report Share Posted December 31, 2008 Quilts usually 'pick' who they want to go to, whether that was OUR initial plan or not! lol! two of my dgf's married, and I planned the first's quilt, cut it and had the blocks started. the second came to town one day, couldn't stay to visit, but raced in the house to see what I was working on...she's a quilter, too. When she saw it, she cooed, "OOOO, MY COLORS!" I was thinking, "But this isn't YOUR quilt! lol!" so much for our best laid plans! It was a simple, wide strip/fast log cabin in terra cottas, greens, tans and it really was a pretty colorway. I ended up adding to the stash and made a second quilt in very similar colors for her, too. This is funny, too: when I gave the first gf and her husband the quilt, I told them "It's a log cabin" They happened to be at home with family, so everyone was holding it up and looking at the quilt and fondling it...finally, the hubby looked at me and said, "I'm sorry, Sam, I keep looking and looking, but I don't see the Log Cabin!" He later told me that it was his favorite 'blanket' to take a nap with, that it was just the right weight. That's about as good as it gets! lol! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corey Posted December 31, 2008 Report Share Posted December 31, 2008 Bonnie Russell echoes what I believe, whatever your heart purposed it to be, it shall be. We "Quilters" are gifters, our creations speak, the messages are directly from our hearts. **************************************** Corey Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pigletaz Posted December 31, 2008 Report Share Posted December 31, 2008 Joann - As an ex-SIL (my divorce was final last January) my feelings are that you are an adult and she is also an adult. Unfortunately, he is not playing nice with others. Would your ongoing friendship even be noticed by him considering he has less time with the kids? Just curious if he would even know unless someone told him about it. I agree with the others, the quilt will tell you as will time. Perhaps he will become a grownup soon and realize that your friendship with his ex-wife is a logical part of having friends and relatives even with a divorce in the family. Anyway, I am not in conflict with my ex - he is behaving himself and I have as much or little contact with his family as I want and they want. I just feel, now that I am divorced, how damaging people can be, especially if the kids see this behavior. Good luck with your quandry. I can definitely appreciate it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pojo Posted December 31, 2008 Report Share Posted December 31, 2008 Originally posted by AnnHenry Tricky, indeed, but the husband is trying to control everyone around him, and he doesn't have that right. You have the right to choose your friends and gift whomever you please. He is acting like Hitler; people acquiesced to Hitler "to keep the peace" and look what happened. I agree whole heatedly with the control issue. If you are friends and want to still give her the quilt, give it to her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Merryjo2003 Posted December 31, 2008 Report Share Posted December 31, 2008 In the words of my Ex-Mother-in-Law.................."You divorced my son, not the rest of the family. We will always love you and feel you're part of the family, whether you're still married to him or not! Even if and when he re-marries." They didn't care if he didn't want me to have a relationship with his family or not. The differences I had were with their son, not them. His family said he could just "deal with it!" I always appreciated and loved them for that. I did continue to see them, I just avoided times when I knew he would be around to ease tensions. I think you have to make your own decision whether you remain friends with your SIL. I think it unfair of your brother to ask all his family to "punish" his ex and chose sides. My family tries hard to remain neutral. I guess it would have to do with what the circumstances of the divorce were and the rest of the family should make their own decision. I would just try to keep things separate from your brother so he wouldn't be uncomfortable and his ex will understand. As for the quilt.........gifts from the heart make their own decisions. Give it some time and you'll know what to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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