family issues/question

[RitaR]

I feel the pain of "lack of contact"  with the family and friends.  Even when I was raising 4 kids one was in special Ed., and Himself  based overseas, and I was working full time,  I only heard from two families when they heard from me.  

 

My favorite Uncle died, and I didn't know for a few years, because my oldest brother, thought I knew.  As if I'd some magical elf that let me know of all things.  He also lost a step-son, (one I really liked, along with the rest of the step-kids) and I didn't know that for 4 years..  When I asked him how I was supposed to know, he said he didn't know. 

 

Now I am the only one of 6 kids still living.  I could go on and on, so will only go on.  ROFL

 

Lack of Contact is what is painful for me, contact is needed for me, maybe for petmomful .

 

At times I wonder if they think I stink, or am totally unfriendly, etc.   then I think, they have their ways and I have mine, and force myself to think of something fun, nice, pretty, comical, or the grandkids,  and happy /comical times with others.

 

It's still the same as in the past (with the nephews, and nieces some cousins)...  they seem happy to hear from me when I call one of them, or I send a personal real snail mail note/letter, yet they didn't make the first move to contact me and still don't.

 

I'm trying to refocus, and not dwell on anyone else.  It is very hard and yes, I relapse.  Our Quilt Show and incidents

were the latest, then the 25th anni party for our son-in-law and daughter.  Yesterday we went to a dedication for

a rebuilt Home, and gave the quilts.  Today is another doings, the Centennial of the ECA.  100 years is a Long time.

 

My Quilts go mostly to our Haven House, supposed to be our Safe House and they had to close.. also to Christian

United  Outreach Community.  Many go to Quilts of Valor and my heart goes mostly into those. 

 

In 18 years I have only kept 2.  I made a lot for babies, until I found out they were putting them in the  closet for the kids

to have for their kids..  I made them for use for their baby, and told them so.

 

I will be making one for our bed, using the colors we are going to paint, when we can afford it.  That might also be

far enough off that we will change our minds on colors.  LOL

 

Anyhoo.. it is the contact.  Doesn't have to be more than "Hi, how you doing?" or   "It is all great on this end."  a picture

of a beautiful flower, bird, quilt, sunset/sunrise, etc.

 

Just  some contact.       Now I have no siblings.  Too late for contact.

 

Rita

[ginnysnowden]

Dear Rita, I used to work all the time making things for loved ones. I thought these quilted gifts would be apreciated. Well I was told ONCE I want curtains not a blanket for a wedding present, needless to say I do not give quilted gifts anymore unless in very special ocasions when asked.

I am  also confined a lot with Lupus disabilaty. We are a forgotten group. I feel most of the people I know do not understand how I feel (you cannot see pain) therefore do not know how to deal with it so it is not addressed. We are then kind of forgotten. My family does not even invite me to family functions, or send pictures stories just kind of like an invisable person. I now sell my quilts they are loved by the people who purchase them. and I get my fix via that chanel. God Bless!

 

Luv Ginny Snowden

[cmkeindl1]

Dear Rita, I used to work all the time making things for loved ones. I thought these quilted gifts would be apreciated. Well I was told ONCE I want curtains not a blanket for a wedding present, needless to say I do not give quilted gifts anymore unless in very special ocasions when asked.

I am  also confined a lot with Lupus disabilaty. We are a forgotten group. I feel most of the people I know do not understand how I feel (you cannot see pain) therefore do not know how to deal with it so it is not addressed. We are then kind of forgotten. My family does not even invite me to family functions, or send pictures stories just kind of like an invisable person. I now sell my quilts they are loved by the people who purchase them. and I get my fix via that chanel. God Bless!

 

Luv Ginny Snowden

 

Oh Ginny - I bet I'm guilty of treating people with chronic pain differently too (I never thought about it) if I have a friend with a debilitating problem, I probably try to "leave them alone" so as not to bother them???  I will try to be more aware of that in the future - and just like any problem any of us may have; be it an illness, a loss, or something else - we never really know what that person is going through until we go through something like it too!  But, if you knew a distant member of your family or an old friend was feeling left out or lonely - you would want them to reach out to you wouldn't you?  So, I urge you to try and let your family know how you feel!

 

Also, if "anyone" calls one of my quilts a BLANKET, they never get one again (they can go buy blankets at Kmart!) teeheehee

[quiltmonkey]

Life is too short to hold grudges or feel bitter about other people's behavior. Do what you want to do. Give freely from your heart, and if it makes you feel good, just do it regardless of the outcome you may or may not expect.

 

That's all that really matters in the end ... what matters is YOU and your happy heart...and what you live for every day to be happy. Remember, that's all that matters in the end when you are dead and gone, passed away. So, just live for today. Live right now (be happy) in the moment. Do what you want - today. This moment.. Give what you want. Don't fret about the past, and don't worry about the future. Don't be mad at other people for how they act or how they behave. Why bother with that stuff? Life is way too short to be mad or disappointed or upset. Just be how a dog is... a dog only lives in the moment and only wants to be gratified in the moment. A dog doesn't hold a grudge from the past. A dog has no idea what the future is.  So....what about those other people? Think about it... in all truth, they only care about themselves. They are focusing on what makes them happy. People are selfish in general. Yes, You should be selfish! I don't mean "selfish" in a bad, terrible way, I mean "selfish" in a fulfilling happiness way. You should focus on you... you should care about your own self and your own happiness. All of us... We only have the power to control our own happiness. Nobody can control our happiness. We do this for ourselves. That's what I mean about selfish. So, everything else and everyone else??? Forgetaboutalready! This is how I try to live my life every day and guess what it has really changed my outlook on life IN GENERAL. Do what is right. Do the right thing. Do what makes you happy.

 

Most of all, do what you can to make the world ...and the people who live in it ... a better place. Always always.

 

(((hugs)))

[Peggy (SewAsylum)]

People in pain are a forgotten group and have an "invisible illness." It is true, I agree, that people don't know what to say so they say nothing. I have spent my whole life doing things for others and have gotten great joy from that. Recently I embroidered my sister a beautiful set of towels with leaves falling on them and she immediately called and told me she thought they were lovely. That just made my day, after all, I spent time picking out the towels, the design, and then did the work. It was a a labor of love because she and I get along and call each other and share things with each other. I am trying not to feel bad about the rest of the family and let it go as you all have wisely advised. It is funny, my husband's family has always treated me, and my sister-in-law, as outsiders, not including us in the "girls' luncheons," not letting me know about family events, etc. You would not believe some of the rude things they have done to me. Why, they actually exchange gifts at Xmas among the sisters, right in front of me, and don't include me. The few times I have confronted them about something like this, they lied about it. I finally had enough and told my husband, and my mother-in-law, I was no longer going to be treated this way and I was not coming around anymore. When I see one of them at the store, I am pleasant and speak to them. And I am no longer bothered by any of this. My husband, too, has accepted it and goes to family occasions without me. My children and grandchildren go, too. But something about my family hurts me so badly, because we were close. I know I am too sensitive about these issues and try not to be. I spent yesterday and today sewing for ME and it felt good. I am going to just try not to think about the rest of the family and only make things and contact the people that seem to be interested in keeping in contact with me. Just because someone is related to you does not mean they are the kind of person you want to hang out with. One of my sisters is a horrible person, a liar, a narcissist, mean, rude, condescending, insulting. I now avoid her like the plague after 58 years of trying to keep the peace and get along with her. No more of this garbage. As Shana said, life is too short for this nonsense. I wrote all my pain out in a letter, which I have no intention of sending. Made me feel a little better.

[RitaR]

Pain that is not seen, like an arm cast, or leg splint, is Not understood by people.

 

I can not walk enough to get through a grocery store, so I use my mobility cart, the powered cart similar to what Walmart uses, without the big baskets. 

 

People have 3 reactions.  They totally avoid looking at me as if I'm invisible.   Or they treat me as though I have no brain and can't speak or respond intelligently.   They just walk by pretending I'm not there.

Or, they smile, speak and are pleasant.

 

There is one more group of people I need to add.  It is the ones who think because my legs don't work, none of the rest of me can either.  One lady I remember.  Asked if she could get me something, and I told her, no thanks, I was trying to make up my mind for what brand to buy, if I was in her way I could easily move, with no problem.  She asked me to move and I smiled and did, she got one of the 2 brands and handed it to me, saying Here you go Honey, I know you can't lift it.  I thanked her, and continued to explain that my arms and hands work just fine, ( they did then) it's my leg nerves that are "broken" and I can't walk far.   Really I do appreciate your help!  and I do. 

 

When a pain is invisible as in Lupis, folks either think you are faking, or need far too much help, to the point that they over help.

 

Neither is needed, and I try to thank them and explain, it's the reaching, and the weight, not the smaller items or those that aren't too heavy, for me.

 

The thing is, Ask if you can help.  If they say no, what I do with others who are ill or handicapped, is ask them if they will please let me know if I can do something.  We agree that help will be asked for but let the others do what they can.  To deny them their ability to do things, is to make it harder for them.  It decreases their ability by not using it.

 

I just can't stand the gushers, that ask a question and when I try to answer they tell me what I want.  LOL,  it is often funny later, but NOT at the time.

 

So ask if you can help, ask them to tell you when they need help, and let them do what they can.

 

Smile and say something like, hi, how are you:?  or one gentleman said, Hi, Isn't it a great day, we need this rain so badly, so stay dry".

 

When I see a child looking at me, I ask them if they know why I ride the Go-Go?  Then explain that my legs don't work good any more so I use the Go-Go for my walking.  Usually the mother is proud of the kids for listening and digesting the info.  The one thing that breaks my heart is they want a ride and I can't because of Liability.  The children are so natural with their dealings with anyone handicapped once it is described to them so they can understand. 

 

To be deliberately shunned is not comfortable, it is downright painfull..  It is hard to get past without some time to heal from it.

 

 Shana, I'm so pround of you and your ability to live such as you do.  I just am built of different stuff.. I work towards it yet just don't get there.  God Bless,

 

(((HugZ))),

God Bless all,

 

Rita
 

[Peggy (SewAsylum)]

Rita, I feel your pain. You have reminded me to be more aware of the people around me in public and their dignity and needs. Everyone deserves respect. I notice children staring at me when I wear my neck collar and I tell them I have a neck boo boo. This seems to solve the problem. lol It is very hard to not get your feelings hurt. I did notice that the clerks at the grocery store went out of their way to help me. My husband joked that he was going to start to wear a collar when we went shopping! Anyway, I am trying to not feel hurt all the time, and to realize that people just don't know how to handle these kinds of things correctly.

[RitaR]

me too, petmom.  

Oh, could those of you who don't use a name, could we have just a name out of the blue that you can remember.

 

I feel sort of funny, addressing someone like quiltmonkey, or petmom.  We don't even need to know if it's a nick

name or real name or middle name, part of a last name, etc.??

 

Here we go with the "contact" again.  lol   Your hubby's joking about wearing a neck collar is a gorgeous idea.  rofl

 

Rita

[LynnQuilts]

EXACTLY, Shana!!!

[LibbyG]

Gee, I felt you were describing my family.  After being totally disgusted with the way my family was treating my sister and I, I asked the guidance counselor at school to put things in perspective for me.  Basically she said these relatives know I like them and will do anything for them, so they don't feel the need to reciprocate since I've always been there for them, no matter how they treat me.  However, she said, human nature, being what it is, they'll spend an enormous amount of time trying to get the attention of someone who could care less about being nice to them. At that point, I decided I didn't want to be taken for granted, so I stopped being so generous to them and chose other ways to fulfill my mothering urge.  LOL

 

It's not so wrong to want people to be courteous and respectful.  I found I felt a lot better if I would say for example, "I was surprised I didn't hear from you when I sent ....  Didn't you like it?  Well, I realize you're too busy to say thanks, so I won't put you in that position again.  Once I said something, in a nice tone, I felt much better and was able to let the problem go.  You need to find a way that will work for you because we're all different.  There's no one cure all that works for everyone.

 

I hope you find something that will give you some peace and a way to control your pain better. 

[Peggy (SewAsylum)]

Thank you for your response, Libby. I will try to remember to say something like that. That sounds very good. I am feeling a little better because my niece, whom I contacted about something else, said they loved the Halloween card I sent her children. If they love them, that is all I need to keep going, at least for a while.

[Peggy (SewAsylum)]

BTW, my name is Peggy. I will try to use it from now on on this forum.

[Peggy (SewAsylum)]

As a short follow up to all your concerns and great advice, I just want to say that my pain medicine was changed and I feel way way better. I have stopped crying all the time and my fun loving self is back. I think the meds I was on were really playing with my head.  Hopefully things will stay this way now.  My pain is a little less, too. It is funny how things work.

[IQ'd]

Peggy, I have read this posting and think of my daughter. She too is in constant pain and getting out is difficult for her too. She does get some looks from people when she gets out of her van and uses her handicap placard. One time she lifted her skirt to show her prothesis to some who were staring at her and mumbling something about using your grandma's placard. It is difficult also when your disability isn't so obvious especially when one is young.

I think you might want to make things for your local animal shelter. You know they are always appreciated by the staff and the pets. You could also make things for your own pets, like quilted little jackets etc. I have three dogs of my own so I know what you mean about they appreciate you. Good luck to you and I hope your life journey goes a little smoother for a great while.

Hugs, Julia

[sewingpup]

Peggy...glad you are feeling better....I know sometimes I feel left out and I make more calls then I receive...but then a day comes where I get too many calls....I am in pain most of the time and the only time it gets some better, is when I am engaged in making something.  When I was working, I was neglecting my friends because it was taking all my energy just to keep on working....some of my friends stopped asking me to do things because I was struggling to keep walking with them.  Yes, folks who are in pain and dealing with fatigue have a hard time sometimes staying in touch with friends.  I can't keep my house up the way I want to.  It is quite messy...took me a while to figure out that of course it is hard for me to have a neat house....it literally hurts to clean especially doing floors and bending to dust.  I can get in the zone while piecing or quilting for a while and not feel the pain until I stop.  I knew when I was working that I was missing out on my keeping up with my friends and some of my elderly aunts and uncles....I did not take the time to see them...some of them passed away before I quit work....I have very few left but I do go and visit now when I can.  One elderly long time neighbor lives in an assisted living facility and I do go and visit.  Years ago, I had given her a little angel that I had done on my embroidery machine....I was surprised to find it sitting on her tv console.  I mentioned the angel and she said that she keeps it where she can see it because it reminds her of the old neighborhood and all the wonderful people that lived there.  She also thanks me every time I visit for coming as she is an "old lady"   Thing is....I never would have known how much she liked that little angel I gave her if I had not gone to visit her.  So...what does this mean for me....well...I need to try and stay in touch with those I care about.....and I need to remember to thank them when they DO think of me....and some folks...well...I just gotta accept them as they are and remind myself that I am a little Odd too.....Lin

[JustSewSimple]

We humans are a thoughtless lot sometimes, aren't we?  I never like to see people left out.  No matter their bad attitude I try to include them in activities and events because I never know what burden they carry.  Ha!  I once had an aunt who had no children.  She lost her husband and was all alone.  She was always in a bad mood.  I felt for her and would always go and visit and remembered her on the birthday and Christmas with a gift.  I overlooked her stinkin' attitude cause I left she had a reason.  She talked to me about all the other "bad" family members who never came to visit or check on her.  Well, she died and left everything she had to the other nieces who treated her badly.  I could only laugh and shake my head.  I didn't do anything nice for her to get included in her will but the idea that she didn't think much of me the whole time I was struggling to include her was rather funny.  You just never know what others are thinking.  My motto is to give when you can and never look for anything in return.  When I give something it is between me and my Jesus not me and the other person.  That may be too deep but it is true.  Blessings.

[Peggy (SewAsylum)]

Thank you for your kind and sincere advice. I have been thinking about making some cage pads for the local animal shelter, since I love animals so much. I know they would appreciate it. As far as my family goes, I think I am only going to send cards and homemade things to the kids. I think the kids enjoy getting stuff from me, and I enjoy making things for the kids.

[GrandmaLKB]

I USED to make a lot of gifts for family, but when they went un-appreciated or un-acknowledged, I quit !   Too many times I would get absolutely NO response.........I never expected them to drop to their knees and be forever grateful, but a simple "Thanks for the quilt" would be nice.  In this day and age of electronic messaging, it isn't that hard to send a quick note.   

 

I had a Grandma who ALWAYS complained about everything........not matter what anyone did, it was wrong........she bought gifts, but there was never an option to exchange for a different color, size, style.  As a teenager, she would buy me some of the most horrid outfits and expect me to be so grateful and wear them all the time.   I began to hate those clothes and her for not respecting me as a person.  Because she was so demanding, ungrateful and complained all the time, eventually everyone just stopped visiting...........THEN she complained because no one came to see her !   haha   Go figure.  We were Wrong no matter what we did, so guess it didn't matter that we did nothing.    To this day, I have no feelings for that woman and she has been gone for over 30 years.   

[JustSewSimple]

Linda, did she live in Mississippi?  I think I might have met her once or twice.