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loraquilts

Struggling with a dilema. Help! Thoughts! Prayers!

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I don't recall if I've been on the forum since March or not -- lots going on in my life that has completely turned me upside down and inside out.  I'm pretty much a total mess.

First I went back to visit my mom to celebrate her 93rd birthday and Easter.  She was tired, but okay.  Took her to the doc who found nothing wrong but age.  That was Wednesday.  By Friday she was in the hospital and diagnosed with acute onset leukemia.  Her numbers got rapidly worse and she died the following Saturday.  I am still reeling. 

As the executor for my mom's will, I made sure that everyone got what mom intended to give them.  One of my sisters (let's call her "C"), who had borrowed a huge sum from mom, was not happy in the least that her inheritance was "shorted" by the amount mom "gifted" to her.  Mom clearly said it was a loan to be paid back, but C disagreed.  We argued A LOT, and fought about it A LOT.  It was terrible.  My other sister (we'll call her "V") was of no help whatsoever.  V will agree with whoever happens to be in the room at the time, but if there are all three of us in the room, she remains silent. 

I'm the only one of my sisters who has a job.  Both of my other sisters are significantly older than I am and have both retired.  They are upset with me because as executor they feel that I should have stayed with the house and got it cleaned out and ready for sale.  However, I am not the trustee on the house.  My sister C is the trustee.  The trust on the house says that C has complete control to dispose of or care for the property while both of our parents are living, but when they are both deceased, the trust becomes void and C is to immediately transfer the title of the house from the trust to the remaining heirs (the three of us).  She refuses to do that. 

Okay, sorry for making the story so long, just trying to give a little background to help you understand my struggle.  Mom passed away on April 1st and here it is middle of December and still nothing is settled.  There is one thing that my mom left to me in her will and I'm torn about what to do.  This is where I need your wise advice.  I keep vacillating and really need to just pin down a decision. 

Mom had a 1940 something Wedgewood stove -- 6 burners, dual ovens, dual broilers, and TONS of memories cooking at the stove with mom.  She left the stove to me in her will because she knows how much it means to me.  Given its age, it does need a little work.  One of the pilot lights refuses to stay lit, consequently one oven, broiler, and two burners are not functioning at the moment.  I think this could be a pretty easy fix.  The door to the oven that works is a little loose and you have to gently close it to get it to stay shut, but it works.  There are a few minor cosmetic dings here and there, and it could definitely use a thorough cleaning and servicing, but all in all it's a good working stove.  It's 40" wide (forgot to mention that).  There is a restoration expert near where I live that can restore the stove to its original beauty, but there is a 2 year wait list.  That could be okay.  She can't even give me an estimate without seeing the stove (understandable), but said a basic repair (not restoration) could be a few hundred to a thousand dollars and a complete restoration could run anywhere from a couple thousand to nearly $20,000!!!!!  Yikes!

The rub -- C doesn't want me to take the stove out of the house because she doesn't think she'd be able to sell the house without a stove and it would be too expensive to get a new stove of the same dimensions installed.  My current kitchen will not accommodate a 40" stove without ripping out a cabinet or rearranging the cabinets I have now -- no small feat.  If I'm going to be ripping out cabinets to get the stove put in, I'm going to have go get my whole kitchen redone.  Yea! and Ugh! in equal measure.  Then there's the whole ordeal of going back to Mom's in NM, pulling out the stove, cleaning behind it, getting another stove installed, filling the gap if I get a stove that is less than 40", somehow getting the stove to CA where I would have to store it until it's fixed and my kitchen is redone so it fits.  I'm sure the stove is so heavy that my fiancé and I will not be able to move it ourselves, so there's finding competent people to do that....

I've been asked by more than one friend, if I'm going to renovate my kitchen, do I really want a 70 year old stove instead of the latest and greatest technology out today?  I do.  It doesn't make sense to redo my whole kitchen with new stuff and then put in an antique stove though.  Does it?  Is eclectic a style I could really live with? -- more like hodge-podge. 

The cost of all of the above FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR exceeds the cost of the value of the stove, but there's the emotional tie.  This is the last piece of mom I have.  I didn't walk away with nothing.  I got the dining room set, the living room coffee tables, and a bedroom set, so I do have ties to mom.......but the stove is different; it's special.  There is a nearly identical stove for sale in AZ for $2,000.  I don't to buy a stove "like mom's".  That doesn't make any sense to me.  I want the one mom cooked on my whole life. 

Am I crazy???  I keep going back and forth about whether or not to get the stove.  Ideas?  Comments?  Help! 


Lora.

Lora in California -  Ultimate I with IntelliStitch and IntelliQuilter.  The Thimble Bee http://www.thimblebee.com

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sorry about the arguing....sometimes folks just do that....I was lucking in that my siblings really didn't have much conflict as they all just took a small bit of what they wanted but really didn't want anymore stuff....but they did leave me with the main job of clearing out the house although...I did get some help there too...I have a bit of trouble getting rid of some of mom's things...cuz she told me she would come back and haunt me if I just tossed stuff out the window...well, I have sold some things at garage sales...have given some things to goodwill...but still have some things that I feel I should find a place for before I pass so I don't leave it to the remaining family to figure out what to do.with it...One of my friends pointed out that what really makes it hard is the memories, not the actual object...and you will have the memory no matter what....after struggling with trying what to do with some stuff....I would be tempted to just take a picture of it, write down what the favorite memories of the stove are...and let the actual stove go....just my thoughts.....I have kept some things of my mom's and dad's too...but they are useful and I use them.  I sold an old rocking chair of my grandmother's this summer which needed repair and I actually cried and told the young couple about how much that chair meant to my grandmother as she had very little....but it was just sitting up there in my attic...and the couple who bought it really liked it, and the husband repaired things like that....I think that it was a good choice and that they will cherish more because of the story I told them.  

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Thanks pup.  I also keep thinking that if I leave the stove with the house and the new owners decide to replace it with something else, what are they going to do with mom's stove?  probably just throw it away, which would break my heart.  But you're right, you never know if someone else will love it as much as I do.  Still torn and hoping to get lots of input so help me make a good decision. 

 


Lora.

Lora in California -  Ultimate I with IntelliStitch and IntelliQuilter.  The Thimble Bee http://www.thimblebee.com

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If this is something that you know you really want and will use, take it now and replace it with a good useable stove.  Then put in the fill cabinet to hold cookie sheets with a purposely non matching counter that can be a cutting board or a space to set hot pans without damage.  Have the fill cabinet in the same color tone as the present cabinets even if the door design isn't identical.

Possibly just fix the stove for the present instead of the cost of restore, it depends on what the restore would entail and if it really changes the look you remember.

 


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Lora, do yourself a favor and keep it.  You ready don't have to remodel your kitchen if you have room in your garage.  I've seen this in many a garage.  You can even hook up a portable propane to it.  This way you can turn the gas off when your not using it.  It's just a thought to keep your mother beloved stove.  Let "c" worry about the kitchen.   It was willed to you and not her.  Zeke. 


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I'm with Zeke-your mom wanted you to have it. Follow your mom's wishes, and don't look back. Now, about that kitchen.....you know who ever buys the house is going to do a remodel. They want quartz counter tops, an island, flashy back splash and pedant lighting. Let it be. Getting your sister(s) to cooperate, is another issue......

My prayers are with you. Remember-it's what mom wanted and she will be at peace. Have that stove repaired/restored and cook up a batch of cookies. Sit down and eat every one of them with someone you love.

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Lora, I am very sorry about your mother and the issues you are having with your sister(s).  I would hire a lawyer to force C to fulfill the terms of the trust regarding the house.  That will help you to move forward with settling the estate.

With regards to the stove, I think you should keep it.  You have wonderful memories of your mother and that stove, and I know I would regret not holding on to it, if I were in your shoes.  Vintage stoves are very popular these days, and remodeling your kitchen and including a vintage stove would be really cool.  If you have (or rent) a van or truck, could you hire guys to load the stove at your mom's house, and hire other guys to unload it at your house?  Might save on the cost of moving it.

The house should certainly be able to be sold without a stove.  Since the house actually belongs to all three of you, and not C, and she is not the executor, it is not up to her to sell the house.  Therefore, her saying she could not sell the house without the stove is not a valid objection.  The stove is yours, and you should do what you want with it.  And I agree with Vickie, new owners will probably want to redo the house to suit their own tastes, and even if they decide to keep the stove, it would never mean as much to them as it does to you.

My own mother died 8 years ago, also of acute leukemia.  Diagnosed on Wednesday, died on Saturday.  When she was diagnosed, the doctor said a few weeks, but it was 3 days.  As an only child, I was spared conflicts with siblings, but the job of packing up was all mine.  Not easy for either of us.

I will keep pray for you to find the right decision for you about the stove, and for cooperation from your sisters.  Best of luck to you.


Betsy

quilting with Emmeline, a 2011 Freedom SR

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Thank you all sooooo very much for reading my post and responding.  I think I've about burned off my fiance's poor ears with all my crying at the drop of a hat and then laughing at a memory the very next minute.  Pretty soon he's going to have me committed.  lol. 

Zeke, I like your idea of keeping the stove in the garage until I get space for it in the kitchen.  For that matter, I could put it downstairs in my son's apartment (no cabinets to worry about) and he could use it.  I could visit it from time to time.  : ) 

Betsy, I agree with you.  Even if the new owners were to get the stove in the sale of the house, it would never mean as much to them as it does to me.  Like Vickie suggested, I'll bake up a batch of mom's favorite cookies (oatmeal macaroons) and enjoy them with a good cup of coffee.  I'll laugh, I'll cry, and I'll be glad I used her stove to make them. 

Thanks again.  I can't tell you how much it means to know there are people who are willing to pitch in with thoughts, prayers, and words of wisdom.  I love you all!


Lora.

Lora in California -  Ultimate I with IntelliStitch and IntelliQuilter.  The Thimble Bee http://www.thimblebee.com

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Madelyn, I love your idea of the small pull-out cabinet to hold spices or cookie sheets.  A tile top for placing hot pots is a great idea.  Now I just have to get the correct dimensions and get to work (okay, have my fiance get to work) building it.  Great suggestion.  Many thanks.


Lora.

Lora in California -  Ultimate I with IntelliStitch and IntelliQuilter.  The Thimble Bee http://www.thimblebee.com

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Loosing your Mom, especially that quickly, had to be devastating for you. Conflict with your siblings makes it even tougher. If your Mom willed the stove to you and you want it for the memories then by all means take it. Have you filed the estate for probate or does that not apply there?  I'm not a lawyer but seems to me that if the trust specifically states control of the house is to move from the trust to the three heirs upon the death of both your parents then your sister cannot prevent that from occurring but you may have to hire an attorney to accomplish it. 

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Lora:

First off, I send you my best and hope you truly believe your mother is in a better place and was blessed to have you as she entered her new life.  

Second as executors of your mother's will, you need to follow here written guidance to the best of your ability.  You need to be talking with the state/county clerk of court to ensure you are complying with all the estate/probate requirements of the state/county.  While many will tell you that you have to have an attorney, in many cases the estate clerk can guide you through everything you have to do (I did all this when my sister passed years ago).  Only hire an attorney when you have to, as it can get very expensive.  You can do almost everything on your own.  

Concerning the stove, it was left to you in your mom's will.  It is now your property.  Look at the stove as a lovely lamp that sat in your parent's house for years.  If she left the lamp to you, you would pick it up and take it home with your to remember all the love/memories it represents.  It is not, and would not be your responsibility to replace the lamp after your removed it from the house.  The stove is no different than the lamp in my example.

It is not your responsibility to replace your mother's stove with a new one.  Just as it is not your responsibility to put in filler cabinets or do anything to the house to prepare it for sale.  That is your sister C's job.  As the the stove gift recipient, your sole responsibility is to accept the give and remove it from the house without causing any damage to the home.  Do not worry about, or do anything about any complications this gift of your mother's may bring about.  That again is sister C's responsibility.  If you had been directed to give the stove to your "cousin Bob" would your mother or you have expected "cousin Bob" to have paid to fix the cabinets or buy the three of you a new stove?  In your trustee duties, did you make anybody pay your for an item that your mother left them?

If sister C was to transfer the house to sister V, you, and herself, she has a timeline to complete the task.  Normally an estate/will has timelines it must comply with at the state/county level to ensure the estate is being probated and distributed in a timely manner.  If the property is truly held in trust that becomes a less public activity.  I would contact the original attorney that drafted your mother's trust, that is probably the same attorney that gave your authority to deal with your mother's estate.  He/she can guide you as how to contact sister C in writing, and demand she comply with your mother's written direction in the trust.  If sister C is unable to comply with her trustee role, the state/county can transfer that authority to the successor trustee.  That may be you.  

While that duty can be overwhelming, it is achievable.  Having done it twice with my sister's estate, and helping with other family member estate, you have to break it down into pieces.  Decide if it is cost effective to bring in an estate dealer to get rid of your mother's final items.  If not, give as much of her stuff away to family members that would cherish a particular item.  Then plan a garage sale.  While every item is priceless to your, C, and V, it can only be sold for garage sale values.  Be sure to go through every pocket at file/piece of paper your mother has.  You will be surprise of the money, rings, or stock certificates you may find in an old jacket, tucked between two pages of a book, or hidden in an old foot locker from the war.  

Any items that do not sell over a two to three day garage sale, goes to charity.  Have the donation receipts split up between C, V, and yourself, as a trust cannot normally benefit from a charitable contribution.  The three of you on the other hand, can if you itemize your tax deductions.  

Take the stove with you to your present home.  Use it as you see fit.  When the time comes to bring it to its original beauty, or simply use it as is it will remind you of the love and devotion of your mother.  Put it in your sewing room with a board on top of it (putting batting or something on the bottom to protect the finish) and use it as the most sturdy cutting board ever built.  Have a door, or handle repaired piece meal or as you can afford it.  Research other restoration experts in your area.  Go to the local museum, and get references as to who they would use to fix your stove to showroom condition.  The restoration expert may tell you to do nothing with it, and use it as is remembering every nick. scratch, and dent as memory of your mother and all the love she had for you.  The stove is priceless in your eyes.  Take it and cherish it, just as your mother desired.  She left it to you, it is her gift to you.  You have Mom's permission and everyone her to take it home with you.  Love your mom, and love your new "old" stove.

Take care and God Bless;

Cagey


May your threads be balanced, and your bobbin forever full….

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Cagey,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.  C has been living at mom's house since her passing.  For several months she talked and talked about all the work she was doing, but then when I went back there I couldn't see any difference in anything (not even cleaning the bathrooms or kitchen -- I mean NOTHING was done).  After I rented a moving truck and loaded up the furniture that mom left me (and I took all of mom's fabric out of the trash where my sister C had thrown it out), I left the stove so that she could use it until she cleaned out the house and got it ready for sale.  That has been dragging on and on and on for months now.  Apparently C has taken what she wanted and every thing else -- furniture, clothes, china, records, books, etc. etc. etc. was thrown into a 40cy dumpster.  She's filled and hauled away five or six dumpster loads so far.  It just makes me sick!!!!!  I know without a doubt that this is most definitely NOT what mom would have wanted to happen to her possessions.  In NM there is no requirement for probate unless the departed dies without a will.  Since mom had a will, no probate required.  I did confirm this with the county processor and one atty.  I made sure that every item that was mentioned in mom's will went to the intended recipient, except for one tool chest.  Originally my dad had four huge snap-on brand rolling tool chests.  They were monsters.  In the will, my mom left one to my son, one to my sister V's son, one to V's grandson, and one to mom's nephew.  A few years ago V went out to "help" mom clean out the garage.  She ended up selling all of the tool chests FILLED WITH TOOLS to one guy who couldn't get them loaded fast enough.  Mom said she got $1400 for the lot.  She didn't want to sell, but didn't tell V no either, so she let them go.  I was furious.  I told V that she was not allowed to dispose of anything ever again as she had no business pretending to be an executor where she was not named so.  (mean I know, but I was sooooo angry about the sale of what each of the boys would have cherished and for the pittance she got for everything).  V did the same thing with mom and dad's motorhome -- sold it for $100.  What?@!!!  Are you kidding me?  Again, my mom didn't want to sell but also didn't want to make a fuss, so she let it go since after my dad passed she wasn't going to be using it anymore.  But seriously $100.  -- brand new tires, brand new refrigerator, new upholstery, and my parents ALWAYS stashed cash in it for emergencies.  Mom seemed to think there should have been $3000 in there stashed around in three or four spots, but she wasn't sure anymore.  My guess is there was more.  So this guy got a steal of a lifetime!

Your point about not having to replace the stove and the lamp comparison is a good one.  And you're right.  That is not my responsibility.  I do feel bad that I haven't been able to be back there and help work through things like C has, but again, I'm the only one with a job.  (that sounds way worse than it is, my sisters are unemployed, they're both retired).

C keeps telling me that she feels like she's doing my job as executor.  I say "no, as executor, my job is to ensure that mom's wishes as documented in her will are carried out, and all inheritance items and given to their intended recipient. I've done that!  I've done my job.   As trustee on the house, disposition of non-inherited items, cleaning up the house, yada yada yada, is HER responsibility.  However, she can eliminate this problem by doing what the trust said and transferring the property into all three of our names.  THEN (and only then) does it become all of our responsibilities.  She called me selfish and a few other choice hurtful things. 

When I do go back to get the stove, I will do as much cleanup behind the stove as I can.  I can at least do that much.  Since there are no tools there to work with any more, I can't build the sliding spice/cookie sheet cabinet anyway.  I can't build it here and take it there because I don't know what kind of stove is going to be purchased for the space (I say you don't need one, sell the house without it and give the buyer a credit on the sale), but C won't hear of that.  Anyway without knowing the actual dimensions to work with, I really can't fix the problem.  I know I'll catch a lot of flack for pulling out the stove and doing nothing (even if I clean behind and arrange for everything else to be done, it will still count as nothing), but I guess I can live with that.  I've caught a ton of heat from doing everything in my power to honor my mom's wishes even when it wasn't what others wanted.  I WILL honor my mom and hold true to her desires.  We spent a lot of time talking about them over the years, so more than anyone, I know what mom would have wanted.

Honestly, I'm so tired of fighting and crying and feeling like not only did I lose my mom, whom I loved more than words can express, I've lost the rest of my family too. I definitely lost my sisters.  I'm an absolute wreck, but I can't give in to my sisters about the disposition of bequests because I refuse not to honor mom's wishes, even if it means loosing my sisters in the process.  Guess we weren't as close as I thought we were if material possessions could separate us.  This is sooooo stupid.  Some of my friends tell me that with time the relationships can be healed, but I don't think they will ever get to where they were before mom died.  I'm tired and losing the will to battle.  Some days, most days, I just want to curl up and go back to bed. 


Lora.

Lora in California -  Ultimate I with IntelliStitch and IntelliQuilter.  The Thimble Bee http://www.thimblebee.com

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Lora, I'm so sorry for your loss.   It's sad that death brings out the worst in people even relatives.   When a loved on dies unexpected and as quick as your mom, it's hard to sort through their personal possessions/wishes  along with the grief.  It sounds like you are following your mom's wishes through her will.  The stove is "yours" legally through the will, you should get it even if you can't install it yet.  I think not getting the stove would eat at you for a long time.  Get it into you possession then you will have time to think about what to do with it.  I think you have a real issue with sister "C" not honoring the Trust on the home.  It seems something could be done about it legally through the local courts.  I would call the city/county clerks office for their advice. You also could see a lawyer that does "free consultation" for an opinion, you only have to pay them if retained to handle the issue.    Is your sister going to remain living in the home?  This may come into play legally, some states have squatter's rights.  Would she be devious enough to sell the house without you and sister V's approval or knowing about it?  The house will sell without the stove, people don't buy a house for the stove, most want to buy their own anyway.  I just bought a home built in 1958 and the first thing I did was replace the stove and fridge.  You don't owe your sister a replacement stove or space filler.  I agree, if the purchaser brings up the stove, take the cost of a stove off the selling price.  Anyway, take care of yourself and take a breath, sounds like you have fulfilled your mom's wishes   It is very easy for someone to "take you down"
"give you a guilt trip" when your most vulnerable.  Stand strong, good luck.  You are in my prayers.


Connie
Port Huron, MI   48060
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Lora:

I'm with Connie, and would suggest you hire the attorney that originally wrote your mother's house trust.  Have him write your sister C a letter demanding the house be placed in all three of your names.  Then once that is done, have the house sold.  I for one believe the sooner your are out from under the house the sooner you can start getting on with your life, and honoring your mother's memory.  

Until, then the house is sold, it is only going to divide you as sisters, and cause you great stress.  You need to sell the house as is.  If your sisters C and V want to put money into it to spruce it up, let them.  You can always agree that receipt documented updated expenses will be deducted from the sales price, with the remaining monies being split evenly between the three of you.  

Having had to sue my former brother-in-law, when my sister died and I took guardianship of his daughter.  ("Dad" had not been in her life for some 10 years)  I can tell you there is no better feeling then when the court awards you the proper child support.  I am sure you are just like me, you do not want one penny more than is proper, while at the same time you do not one penny less.

We can all learn from this, and ensure that we chose proper individuals to handle our estate when the time comes.  Unfortunately money can make our family members crazy and greedy.  You have to chose your executors and trustees wisely.  Your instructions need to clearly and definitively spell out how to deal with trustees that are not performing their duties.  I expect your mothers trust has these stipulations, though the court will probably have to make them come about if sister C does not pay heed to your attorney's letter.

I pray it all works out for you soon.  Take care, and God Bless you.

Cagey


May your threads be balanced, and your bobbin forever full….

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Oh Lora, I'm so sorry for your loss, and for the continued loss you are going through as your relationship with your sister "dies" as well.  No wonder you are crying and still reeling - the unsettled-ness of the estate/house keeps your heart and mind stirred up, not allowing you to move forward with the actual grieving of the loss of your mom.

 

I think you have received excellent advice about the stove - and I agree, bring it home and keep it.  It will make your heart happy each time you see it, whether you ever use it or not.  And most folks I know buy a house and replace the appliances pronto - so this precious, vintage piece will end up in a landfill in the first week or two!  Seems like people want the nicest and newest stuff - hard to find someone who will love such a wonderful antique! 

 

As to the relationships, they will never "go back to before" - you will now have a "new normal" and it will not be as close or loving probably.  That's something else you will have to grieve - the loss of the relationship you had with your sister, and any lingering resentment with the other sister for not stepping up and taking your side.  In time the bad feelings may fade, but you might never have that same closeness (and parts of you may wonder how close you "really" were all those years.)

 

Sending [[[hugs]]] because you need them, and keeping you in my prayers too as you navigate through this first Christmas without your mom - I hope the extra prayers from all of us for healing and comfort go a long way in helping you get through the next few weeks.


kat in indiana

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You poor sweet thing! Whatever you decide, I pray you and will have peace with it. And that God will restore you and sister's relationships. I have 2 sisters left, and we are all close. My Mom passed away 3 years ago. What our Mom left us is Love, Peace, Joy, Kindness and so much more than any tangible object would be. Hope this helps you!

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On ‎12‎/‎14‎/‎2016 at 5:59 AM, calicokat said:

As to the relationships, they will never "go back to before" - you will now have a "new normal" and it will not be as close or loving probably.  That's something else you will have to grieve - the loss of the relationship you had with your sister, and any lingering resentment with the other sister for not stepping up and taking your side.  In time the bad feelings may fade, but you might never have that same closeness (and parts of you may wonder how close you "really" were all those years.

 CalicoKat, you are soooooo right.  My relationships with both of my sisters will NEVER be the same.  Never in my life did I think the two of them could hurt me so much. 

I talked to C a couple of weeks ago and we actually had a very nice conversation.  I told her that I loved her and she said "really? do you really?  Hmmm".  I kept waiting, but nothing else came.  That spoke volumes to me.  We talked a few days later and I told her what she said and she said she was just "trying to figure things out".  What the hell is that suppose to mean?!!  Anyway, I thought we had a relatively nice conversation (other than the obvious - she doesn't love me any more - part). 

I had given a lot of thought to whether or not to take the stove.  First I was definitely going to take it, then a few seconds later the logical part of my brain couldn't rationalize the logistics and expense of bringing home a stove I would probably never use, so I decided not to take it.  Then I would remember cooking with mom and decide to take it.  I flip-flopped a lot unable to stick to a decision for very long. 

Then I talked to C and made the "final" decision to leave the stove in place at mom's house.  It would make the house easier to sell (according to C) and relieve her of the hassle of getting a replacement stove, etc.

THEN.....I noticed that I had voicemail on my cell phone.  When I listened to the messages, which BTW were left before my latest phone call with C, she informed me that she needed a decision about the stove and if I decided to take the stove, I would be responsible for the cost of replacing the stove ($8000 by her estimation), the cost of new countertops (upwards of $2000), new flooring ($$$ unknown) (because the new stove would have a gap and show how bad the flooring behind the stove was), and a few other sundry expenses that would all be my responsibility -- probably looking at $15,000 to $20,000, which she would subtract from my share of the proceeds from the sale of the house. 

Picture several rockets launching simultaneously and then all exploding in mid air at the same time.....yep, I was that angry.  I sent her a text and told her that legally she could not charge me for taking property that was legally mine, as bequeathed in the will.  She could also not charge me for all her gold-plated upgrades to a house that is going to be sold "as is".  She texted back saying "who else should bear the cost?"  The estate... DUH!  That is IF (and that's a very big if) the "repairs" are actually required, which I highly contest that they are not.  "As is" doesn't mean fix everything to showroom quality; it means what you see is what you get.  Well, that was the last nail in the coffin of my relationship with my sisters -- both of them.  I'm done!  It should make me very sad, but right now I'm too angry to be sad. 

Now I'm rethinking taking the stove just to spite C.  That's not my nature, so I'll chew on it for a while and come up with a decision later.  If I do end up taking the stove (which I probably won't) and she does try to charge me with all of her gold-plated expenditures, I'll hire a good lawyer and take her to court.  Not just for this, but for the title of the house, the "charges" she's made in the name of "repairs", etc. etc. etc.  She's in for a wake up call.


Lora.

Lora in California -  Ultimate I with IntelliStitch and IntelliQuilter.  The Thimble Bee http://www.thimblebee.com

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Lora:

I say this politely;  TAKE DANG THE STOVE !!!!!  

Your mother wanted you to have it, so take it as soon as you can.  

Do not worry about the cost to take it home.  It costs next to nothing to rent a Uhaul trailer.  I am sure it will fit in the biggest one they rent.  Get the insurance to cover the trailer and the stove, and you are looking at less than a hundred dollars for all of that.  Even if it cost you $10,000 to ship it home, you will get the money back when the house is sold.  Mom wanted you to have the stove, so TAKE IT.  It is a gift from her to you.  I assure you, if you do not take it, you will regret it for the rest of you life.  

So take the stove NOW.  I will say it 66 times, because that is what it takes to make people remember things;

LARA, TAKE THE STOVE...IT'S WHAT MOM WANTED, LARA, TAKE THE STOVE...IT'S WHAT MOM WANTED, LARA, TAKE THE STOVE...IT'S WHAT MOM WANTED, LARA, TAKE THE STOVE...IT'S WHAT MOM WANTED, LARA, TAKE THE STOVE...IT'S WHAT MOM WANTED, LARA, TAKE THE STOVE...IT'S WHAT MOM WANTED, LARA, TAKE THE STOVE...IT'S WHAT MOM WANTED, LARA, TAKE THE STOVE...IT'S WHAT MOM WANTED, LARA, TAKE THE STOVE...IT'S WHAT MOM WANTED, LARA, TAKE THE STOVE...IT'S WHAT MOM WANTED, LARA, TAKE THE STOVE...IT'S WHAT MOM WANTED, LARA, TAKE THE STOVE...IT'S WHAT MOM WANTED, LARA, TAKE THE STOVE...IT'S WHAT MOM WANTED, LARA, TAKE THE STOVE...IT'S WHAT MOM WANTED, LARA, TAKE THE STOVE...IT'S WHAT MOM WANTED, LARA, TAKE THE STOVE...IT'S WHAT MOM WANTED, LARA, TAKE THE STOVE...IT'S WHAT MOM WANTED, LARA, TAKE THE STOVE...IT'S WHAT MOM WANTED, LARA, TAKE THE STOVE...IT'S WHAT MOM WANTED, LARA, TAKE THE STOVE...IT'S WHAT MOM WANTED, LARA, TAKE THE STOVE...IT'S WHAT MOM WANTED, LARA, TAKE THE STOVE...IT'S WHAT MOM WANTED, LARA, TAKE THE STOVE...IT'S WHAT MOM WANTED, LARA, TAKE THE STOVE...IT'S WHAT MOM WANTED, LARA, TAKE THE STOVE...IT'S WHAT MOM WANTED, LARA, TAKE THE STOVE...IT'S WHAT MOM WANTED, LARA, TAKE THE STOVE...IT'S WHAT MOM WANTED, LARA, TAKE THE STOVE...IT'S WHAT MOM WANTED, LARA, TAKE THE STOVE...IT'S WHAT MOM WANTED, LARA, TAKE THE STOVE...IT'S WHAT MOM WANTED, LARA, TAKE THE STOVE...IT'S WHAT MOM WANTED, LARA, TAKE THE STOVE...IT'S WHAT MOM WANTED, LARA, TAKE THE STOVE...IT'S WHAT MOM WANTED, LARA, TAKE THE STOVE...IT'S WHAT MOM WANTED, LARA, TAKE THE STOVE...IT'S WHAT MOM WANTED, LARA, TAKE THE STOVE...IT'S WHAT MOM WANTED, LARA, TAKE THE STOVE...IT'S WHAT MOM WANTED, LARA, TAKE THE STOVE...IT'S WHAT MOM WANTED, LARA, TAKE THE STOVE...IT'S WHAT MOM WANTED, LARA, TAKE THE STOVE...IT'S WHAT MOM WANTED, LARA, TAKE THE STOVE...IT'S WHAT MOM WANTED, LARA, TAKE THE STOVE...IT'S WHAT MOM WANTED, LARA, TAKE THE STOVE...IT'S WHAT MOM WANTED, LARA, TAKE THE STOVE...IT'S WHAT MOM WANTED, LARA, TAKE THE STOVE...IT'S WHAT MOM WANTED, LARA, TAKE THE STOVE...IT'S WHAT MOM WANTED, LARA, TAKE THE STOVE...IT'S WHAT MOM WANTED, LARA, TAKE THE STOVE...IT'S WHAT MOM WANTED, LARA, TAKE THE STOVE...IT'S WHAT MOM WANTED, LARA, TAKE THE STOVE...IT'S WHAT MOM WANTED, LARA, TAKE THE STOVE...IT'S WHAT MOM WANTED, LARA, TAKE THE STOVE...IT'S WHAT MOM WANTED, LARA, TAKE THE STOVE...IT'S WHAT MOM WANTED, LARA, TAKE THE STOVE...IT'S WHAT MOM WANTED, LARA, TAKE THE STOVE...IT'S WHAT MOM WANTED, LARA, TAKE THE STOVE...IT'S WHAT MOM WANTED, LARA, TAKE THE STOVE...IT'S WHAT MOM WANTED, LARA, TAKE THE STOVE...IT'S WHAT MOM WANTED, LARA, TAKE THE STOVE...IT'S WHAT MOM WANTED, LARA, TAKE THE STOVE...IT'S WHAT MOM WANTED, LARA, TAKE THE STOVE...IT'S WHAT MOM WANTED, LARA, TAKE THE STOVE...IT'S WHAT MOM WANTED, LARA, TAKE THE STOVE...IT'S WHAT MOM WANTED.  

You need to have closure with youR mom, and for you it is going to be the stove.  Mom wanted you to have it to remember the good times.  Mom did not say, you can have the stove if you sister say it is OK, do not object, and you pay to replace it.  She left it to you.  So take the stove as a gift as your mother left it to you.  You can let is sit in the garage, in the basement, or even rust in the backyard, but whatever you do, take the stove now.  Leaving it for you sister's or the sale of the house is not going to do anything to improve your relationship with them.

They are BSing you, as I just replaced the stove, microwave, and refrigerator in my deceased sister's house, that I rent to support her youngest daughter in college.  All three items cost me just under $1,300.  The stove was $500.  You buy black; cheapest color, and you get one dented or scratched on the side.  You buy rent quality.  Your not going to live there.  You just fill the space as best you can.  Oh, by the way....it is not your problem.  It is sister A's issue.  

TAKE THE STOVE HOME WITH YOU ASAP, BEFORE THEY DESTROY IT JUST TO SPITE YOU!

Cagey

PS:  I apologize for yell typing, but looking at this from a neutral observer, you need to to accept your mother's final gift to you.  I can tell it is a big part of your life and memory with her.  You need to graciously accept the gift your mother wanted.  It was a free gift from her, with no strings attached.....

 

 


May your threads be balanced, and your bobbin forever full….

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Deaths can bring out the worst in families.  When my parents died, I had a sister who decided she was being cheated.  She paid $1000 for a lawyer to tell her everything was done fairly and correctly.  She figured since she was married, she deserved more than my other sister, brother and I did.  It did cause a lot of hard feelings and we never did resolve the issues before she died of cancer.  But she let herself be influenced by other relatives who were jealous and told her she was being cheated.  Since I couldn't control her feelings, but could control my reactions to them, I didn't care.  I tried to be nice, and it wasn't accepted.  I don't feel guilty about anything because I knew I did my best and had nothing to regret.  Basically, I refused to let her actions control me.

We have very little left of my mother's things, who died when we were very young, as my sister took everything she wanted when she got married.  She just got boxes and packed and stacked them.  I would take the stove because you aren't sure if you want it. You may feel worse later if you regret not taking the stove.  If you have it, you can decide later on what to do with it.  If you like to can, you can put it in a basement and use it as a canning stove.  I loved the idea of putting a board on top and using it as a cutting board.  But really, you could find a way to repurpose it without using it as a stove.  And finally, one day when you're feeling better, it may be time to get rid of it.  Sell it to a good home. But it's not a decision you should make when you are having to deal with so many issues.  And...I'm not sure I'd have anything in common with a sister who throws everything in a dumpster.  

It sounds like you had a wonderful relationship with your mother.  Let those memories fill you with happiness whenever you look at that stove.  GO GET THE STOVE!  

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I dunno.....I am in my parents house....and we did not fight over much other what do with all the stuff in the house....my siblings told  "yep, I want that but I don't want to take it right now"  Oh dear...well I still have some of that stuff....and I have taken several truck loads and one construction dumpster to the dump....and had numerous rummage sales and my one brother passed on and he and his wife were traveling in an RV and had sold their house so no longer wanted some of my mom's stuff...the other two siblings now really don't want what they said they wanted including an lovely old cast iron wood stove that belonged to my great aunt and uncle...none of nieces and nephews want any of the furniture....I sold my grandmothers old rocking chair at a garage sale last summer and cried as I did so because it was so hard to do that...but I wasn't using it, never would, and nobody in the family wanted it.  It is just stuff....I still have the memories....and when I don't have the memories anymore...the stuff will just be stuff.....I still have stuff to get rid of and I still have the memories...and the memories are what are important...in my opinion...not the stuff and actually the stuff has become more of a burden than anything else.....Lin

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I think you should remodel your kitchen with all of the modern appliances (resale appeal, etc) and I think you should keep mom's stove without fixing it up. Use it as a decoration piece in your home. Maybe you can put quilty stuff on it, in it. LOL ... you know what I mean. Keep it as is. 


"Of all the things a woman's hands have made---The quilt so lightly thrown across her bed---The quilt that keeps her loved ones warm---Is woven of her love and dreams and thread." excerpt from The Romance of the Patchwork Quilt by Carrie A. Hall
 

:rolleyes:  :rolleyes:  :rolleyes:  :rolleyes:  :rolleyes:  :rolleyes:  :rolleyes: 

Shana in North Pole, Alaska ---- The Farthest North APQS Sales Rep  
 Always quilting with her faithful friend, Mademoiselle Madeleine Millennium, Bliss-fully skating gracefully...and having lots of fun with IntelliQuilter

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I'm with everyone on this - take the stove. 

If you take it and eventually don't want it . . . . you can dispose of it.  But if you DON'T take it, and eventually want it . . . . you're stuck.

Even if you only put it in your garage and occasionally sit there in a lawn chair and drink a lemonade and visit it, it will still make you happy and remind you of good times with your mom.

Now, full disclosure.  We had a similarly sticky-wicket situation with "she of whom we no longer speak" (feel free to adopt the title for your sister, trust me, it begins to roll right off you toungue once you say it enough, LOL) and a piano that had been in my dad's family.  We finally did send movers to the former step-mom's home for the piano and paid a fair amount to get it.  It sits in my sister's living room, hardly ever gets played (holds laundry pretty good though ;) ) , but it reminds her of dad whenever she sees it - and that's a good enough reason for all the fuss we went through!

 

Good luck, there are just no good answers here, and each choice has a list of "cons" that almost outweigh the "pros" - that's how it is sometimes.

 


kat in indiana

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I am so sorry to hear about your sisters but I do understand as my sister and I are very distant and it will probably never change.  My Mom is still alive(she is 93 and doing good) but living with me and sister is already trying to get what little our Mom has.  Really makes me sad and mad all at the same time but I agree that you should take the stove as your Mom wanted.  Take it before they sell it or destroy it.  Hugs and prayers for you and your family to have this done and over with.  I know you are in pain.


Judi Burr Customworks by Judi judib@gvtc.com  FRIENDS ARE ANGELS WHO LIFT US TO OUR FEET WHEN OUR WINGS HAVE TROUBLE REMEMBERING HOW TO FLY Author Unknown

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I'm sorry you have gone through all this.  Why does the death of a parent have to bring out the worst in the kids, adult kids at that?  When my father died it was horrible.  My oldest brother hadn't talked to my dad in probably 20 years at the time of his death.  I called him to tell him he had died and that if he wanted to see him before he was cremated he would have to do it by the next day but that I could make arrangements for it.  He said nope he didn't want to see him.  I then asked him if there was anything he wanted, not even knowing exactly what my dad had left.  He said nope I don't want a thing.  OK.  Next thing I know my phone rings and it is him calling back to say if there was any money he would want his 1/3.  What a jerk.  Then my youngest brother agreed we'd meet at my fathers place in the morning at 8 to see where things were and to get started making funeral arrangements.  By the time I got to the house my brother and his kids had been there for several hours.  I wasn't happy about this but it was what it was.  They were so busy just figuring out who could have what and I couldn't even wrap my head around the fact that dad was gone.  I was the one that got to the hospital first and had to tell them to stop trying to save him.  It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do but I know that is exactly what my father wanted.  He drank himself to death and it wasn't pretty.  Anyway my father had told me probably a year before that he had had a stein appraised and had put a business card in the stein saying if I die don't sell this at a yard sale it is worth $675.  My father had told me many untruths over the last year and I needed to find something that was true.  I started looking for the stein, not to take it but to find the message.  I finally asked my brother if he had seen it.  He said, Oh I put that in my truck.  He had loaded up the grandfather clock and anything else of value, given his daughters their pick of what they wanted, they were in 10 and 13 I think.  I was so angry.  My mother who had been divorced from my father for over 20 years was there, she was actually the one that found my father collapsed on the floor, and she was directed what should go and what I should take.  They kept telling me this was your grandmothers and I would say nope that was his 2nd wives stuff.  I wasn't at all ready and didn't even want to go through his things.  I wanted to make funeral arrangements.  That day was the single worst day of my life and I was sure I would never talk to my mother or my brother again.  I mustered through the funeral and told them to take whatever they wanted, I just didn't care.  The only thing that I wanted were my father's metals.  My mother decided that she should have them.  I then got accused of taking them.  I took them and told them both that I was taking them because I didn't want them lost and we could decide later.  The fight over the metals continued until my mother told me I wasn't even a Herbert anymore because I was married.  I have never been so hurt and upset ever in my life.  My husband took the metals to my mother and told her never to come near me.  Long story short I still have a relationship with my mother but it is very strained.  She decided that on the 1 year anniversary she should return the metals to me.  I couldn't even look at them for over 5 years without thinking about that horrible day.  Now I have them and will get them remounted and honor my father but it has been a long time, he has been gone for 13 years!  I told my mother I will NEVER go through any of that when something happens to her.  My two brothers can do whatever they want.  I have no relationship with my oldest brother.  He got mad at me for being the first to help my mother when she got hit by a car and told me he wanted me to die and hoped I died before my mother.  Then he said he wanted me dead now.  I haven't talked to him since.  My youngest brother and I haven't really talked much in the last 5 years.  I've decided at this age I'm done with my families abuse and I will no longer take it, my mother included.  It is hard at times but I know it is what I had to do to be happy again.  They can weigh you down like a brick.  Hang in there and know it will all be ok!

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