Have a beef with your Bank? NQR

[quiltlover03]

Just received this in my e-mail...needed to share with you.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it..

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

P.S. And remember, don't make old people mad.

We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.

[The Crafty Unicorn]

Thank You Thank You Thank you... I just got a letter from my bank about that same type of $30 nano-second gap. I would love to send this to them, but I think I am just going to start using the "Mason-Serta National Bank" ...You know, a canning jar under the bed.

[JustSewSimple]

How funny. I know a banker I will be sending this to. the Mason-Serta Bank is just too much! Hahahahaha!

[LinneaMarie]

Love it!!

A friend of mine pulled all her accounts from Charter One because they will be outsourcing their customer service to INDIA! She said I don't want someone making $7.00/week (or whatever) to have access to my bank numbers!

I like the Mason-Serta system. My DH has used the Diebolt-celler system for years. It weighs about 800 pounds!!

[o2b Quilting]

Love it! Thanks so much for sharing with us.

[Gator]

Great letter!!! I need one for a credit card payment that was 1 day late (automated payment)!!! I've been with them for over 20 years with not 1 late payment and they had the gaul to charge me $45.00.!!!! I paid them off and closed the account, now I'm ready to try and find a human (who speaks unbroken English) to tell them to quit sending me "great offers" junk mail.

[quiltlover03]

Connie, just send all their "offers" back unopened. Write on the envelope "return to sender". It works!

[kennan100]

LOL! All my mail comes to a PO Box. I enter the Post Office joyfully, pen in hand, and proceed to write return to sender on all the junk, including the birthday card that my Insurance agent sends me which means nothing to me because it's not someone I know personnally. He also gets back all the little post cards he sends, and I reply to all of his emails asking him to remove me from his list. I send back everything that is unsolicited crap and enjoy it tremendously. Especially the part where I go shove it all back into the mail slot for the Post office to send back.

[quiltinginthecountry]

Thank you Monica for sharing this.