birthday toys!

[Sandra Darlington]

Hi Mary Beth and Beth and everyone,

Yep, shoes are much easier to bring home without anyone noticing:)

I already have a New Joy frame with a Brother machine, which is about 9 1/2 feet long and about 4 feet deep. I've had this set-up for about 3 1/2 years, maybe 4 years. I thought this would give me an idea if I liked moving the machine instead of the quilt, which I certainly do. However, after a few months I realized I wanted a bigger and better machine. I have been trying out the different brands at shows and even took 3 classes in Paducah on a Gammill. I am planning on getting a Millie when I have the cash, or most of it.

I think DH has finally decided this quilting stuff is going to be a part of me and he better adjust to it. I told him I want to quilt when I retire, but I would like to get the machine asap so I can have a nice slow learning curve.

I planned to retire in about 4 1/2 years (at 62), but things may happen sooner...maybe within the next year. No, I didn't win the lottery, darn! My daughter is expecting her 2nd baby the end of January. Her husband's grandparents are babysitting their first baby who is almost a year old, plus his sister's 3 kids (3,5 &7). My DD feels it is too much for the great grand parents (in their late 60s), and I'm thinking she is right on target with that. DD and DSIL asked my husband and I to sell our house, put the money into an addition on their house for us to live in. Then I can babysit and live there...forever. Humm. It sounds good, but I'm not sure I want to do this forever. I still have my last of 5 kids at home, and there would be no room for him in the one bedroom, one bathroom addition DD will build. DSIL said I can quilt in their basement and he would fix it up for me, but I think I would wind up sharing it with kids playing, and lots of their storage. Not a good mix with rotary cutters and customer's quilts, and expensive equipment. It also doesn't sound like it would be a nice studio where I could have customers come to, plus they would need to come through the house to get to the basement steps, as there's not a direct door for the outside.

DH is very much in favor of this move, and we do want to move out of our neighborhood do to the changes in the area - increased crime rate, etc. (we're in Philadelphia). My DD is in the suburbs about 18 miles out of the city. It is such a tough decision to make. I also want to travel a little and go to quilt shows, but, I would be responsible for the babysitting, except when DD is on her vacation.

I have a lot to think about. Has anyone had to make this type of decision? What are your thoughts?

[Mary Beth]

Sandra,

Since you already have a large frame set up....DH may not notice a different machine!!

As for moving in with family, thanks, but no thanks. I have done that before and I have had my grown kids move back, I don't do well with that. It may work for you all, just not for me. Also, will you have time to quilt if you are babysitting?? I think about that one too. I raised my two kids and did other things, but when I think back, I use to sew a lot and even did some tailoring, but not after I had kids. Hmmm...something to think about.

Have a great 4th and good luck with your decision.

Mary Beth

[Sandra Darlington]

Thanks, Mary Beth. It certainly is a lot for me to think about. I am also sick of cleaning up and picking up after others. I know kids are messy, but I think my husband has always been much worse than my kids were, and the grandchildren will be. I put things away, and he pulls them out and stacks them up so he can see what is there. Every surface has stuff piled on it! He likes it there! He is driving me crazy with his messy ways. Sometimes I think I would like to buy my own house where I could live and have a quilting studio and not have to clean up after anyone but myself. ANd, I could make my own decisions. I love the country, and really don't like the city at all. Where my daughter lives is a nice area, but it is just like living in the city, except a lower crime rate. The traffic is terrible, because everyone is living in the burbs and commuting to the city. I always wanted to move to a cabin in Alaska, but realize the cost of living is much higher than here, so that wouldn't be affordable. Plus the travel time to get back to the east coast where most of my family lives is an all day, long and expensive trip. I also like northern Minnesota, especially the town of Ely. Then there is the Taos area of northern New Mexico. Not exactly out in the woods, but an artsy type of area. My oldest son lives in Los Alamos, so I would be closer to him.

I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place! Sorry to beat your ear (and everyone else who is reading this), but you guys/gals are so helpful and understanding, and have so many interesting suggestions, or just some kind words to help us get through the problems we have. You're better (and cheaper) than a psychologist, and have better hours:) Thanks for always being there!!!

[Mary Beth]

But...do we know what we are talkin about?!

We live on the outskirts of Kansas City. You can hear a cow moo early in the morning sometimes. That is not so bad. There is very low crime rate where we live, but we watch the news every morning to see how many people were shot/stabbed/or are in a crisis situation. I hate that. I only turn on the news to catch the weather cause I can't take all that stuff. We have some property at the lake and that is where we intend to land when we retire. However, my parents had property at the lake too, they didn't retire there, they are still in their home in Springfield where I grew up.

I love the country and the peace and quiet. I think I would like small town life too, except that outsiders are not usually - really - welcome.

You should really think about the living with your daughter situation. Sometimes when you are with the grandkids all the time, it stops feeling like you are the grandma (and all the fun that comes with that), and you start feeling like the hired help. Wow, that was profound...something else to thing about.

Hey, and remember, we are all friends here...but don't take our advice to the bank (they are really just opinions).

[mrsbishwit]

When my children are older and out of the house the only way I would move in with one of them would be if I was incable of living by myself do to an illness or financial hardship. I don't know your DD or SIL but it looks like they just want a full time babysitter. Unless you would be living in a seperate structure such as a guest house you would have no control over your own life, where would your other kids, family or friends stay when they visited you from out of town? If you had a friend over for the afternoon or for dinner, how would that work out if your DD's family is there?, Do you have to include your DD's family in on every aspect of your personal life? Also if your quilt studio is in the basement, what if at some point you are no longer to go up and down the stairs? Then what happens to your quilting?

Is this the last time you plan on moving? You are still young, in your late 50's early 60's right? do you really want to be living with them for the next 30 plus years? What if you take the money from the sale of your house to put in the addition to your daughters and then you find out that you can't live under the same roof?

If I were you I would buy my own house, close or within a reasonable driving distance if you really want to become full time babysitter to the grandkids (after all you already raised your own kids do you really want to raise more?) I mean you have your own life, you have your own dreams, when do you get to stop sacraficing for others so you can do for you?

Don't get me wrong helping out your DD with the kids once in a while is great & will be alot of fun for you and the grandkids but full time would be just that a full time job and leave little to no time for what you have wanted to do...quilt as a business.

Good luck

Joann

[quiltmonkey]

Sandy, you are so sweet and always put everyone else first. This is a big decision for you as this affects your retirement years. You've worked hard and sacrificed your life for others (family) and always put them first. You need to be happy, put your desires first for a change, and do what Sandy wants, not accommodate where it is convenient for everyone else's life, like being a full-time unpaid babysitter for another generation of kids just because it helps financially or is convenient for your daughter's situation. Your daughter needs to make adjustments in her life/finances so she can stay home and raise her own kids (just my humble opinion....lol). Bottom line is you need to listen to what your heart is saying to you. I agree with Joann & MaryBeth. Your grandchildren are for YOU to enjoy spending time with when it fits into your schedule, not the other way around. Please don't let the blessings in your family (kids, grandchildren) become the burdens in your daily life. You deserve everything you want in all of your dreams: Traveling to see the world, going to quilt shows, taking quilt classes, having your longarm in a little cabin in the countryside surrounded by flowers and animals; a place where your grandkids can come over and spend time at Grandma's gingerbread house and they can roam around and play safely. Days filled with anticipation of fun, spoiling them rotten, and then shipping them all back to your daughter to contend with! Ha! The kids come to visit you, not you go to them. Right? Follow your heart and your dreams. You deserve it it all...including hiring a maid to clean up after your DH! (((hugs and love))) Shana

[Sandra Darlington]

Oh, thank you so much, Mary Beth, Joann and Shana. I knew you sweet, wonderful ladies would chime in here with your warm, concerned thoughts. I know I am the only one who can make these decisions, but hearing your feelings and ideas really are helpful.

Usually I am very upbeat, but this past year has been full of ups and downs and has me turned upside-down half the time. I guess that means I'm right-side-up the other half of the time. There's a positive thought!

Background: My boss and friend of 12 years died in June 2006 from a long battle with ovarian cancer. That forced me to switch jobs and I moved into a job within the same company, different location, to keep my benefits, but I found I hate it. It's a full time job, have after 10 years, accrued 4 paid weeks off a year, plus paid sick time. That's not easy to give up. I looked around the job fairs and I am making more here than I would moving to another company and starting over - pay and benefits. And, this is only 15 minutes from my house. So, I feel I should stay here as long as I can to get my youngest through college - 3more years) and out on his own, get out of debt and possibly ahead, buy my Millie. Quitting now to babysit would be financially difficult. My husband has been retired for over 4 years, so we are really depending on my income, as we can't live on his, especially with college bills. If we were with my daughter, we wouldn't have the regular bills, so his $1200 a month SS would be OK, mine won't kick in for over 4 years yet- if we didn't have to help Tim with college, and if I already had my Millie.

The ups are having my first grandchild last July and a new one due in January - DD's kids) Also, I have been able to travel a little - love it!

Shana, we've written back and forth about Alaska, so you know how much I love the beauty of the natural surroundings and open spaces there. After 13 vacations spent in the state, I still can't wait to make it 14, etc. I never get tired of being there. My husband has never gone with me, as he thinks it is an awful place. (He would rather go to Florida - nice state, but I like colder climates.)

I think I am going to try to bury myself in some sewing this afternoon and just let my mind wander and not to try to make any decisions just now. I have to finish (try, start it) a block for Thimbleberries Club tomorrow evening.

Thanks again for helping with my problem. Hugs to you all.

Sandy

[ffq-lar]

I think we need a Quilter's Sanctuary--you know, a place where quilters can come to be safe from grumpy partners and demanding relatives.

There would be machines for everyone and support from like-minded quilters.

Also, we will need a chef--if only a pastry chef.

And massages for everyone!

Chocolate!

Fabric up to the ceiling!

What else do we need at Quilter's Haven?

Linda R for fun on the Fourth!

[Phyllis]

Linda R, I think I've found the ideal "Quilting Sanctuary". It's in a town called Savannah, about 50 miles south of me. It was a nursing home(I think) and it is just gorgous. It has something like 19 bedrooms. I had my husband drive by it last Friday so that I could drool. I told him what I wanted it for and he just rolled his eyes. He has no sense of humor. So if anybody has an extra $300,000(+) that they don't know what to do with...........I think it would take double that to "fix it up", but boy, would it be one nice sanctuary!

Sandra, while I love my children dearly.....my grandkids too, I really don't want to live with them. Grandkids are fun to sugar up and then send them home for the parents to deal with. Plus, my grandkids think that I have too many rules and regulations at my house. (No bouncing balls in my house, no yelling and screaming in the house, no food in the living room, put things back where you found them...etc. etc. etc.) My feeling is that we raised our kids and I really don't want to raise my grandchildren. Of course I would if push came to shove, but unless I'm shoved it "ain't gonna happen". I'm too old for that. I'm needing some peace and quiet in my old age.

Just an old timer's thoughts.

[mrsbishwit]

Sandra,

based on your last post it seems pretty clear (or at least to me anyways, LOL ) Stick it out for 3-4 more years at your job. Benefits are important especially since you still have your son on your medical insurance until he is out of school/college. Pay off the debt your were speaking of, buy your L.A. and then retire in your own home where ever you and your DH choose at that point. Don't put yourself through more financial hardship, what if medically something happened (if you quit) and you had no insurance? not a good thing...also if you retire early how will that affect your future SS benefits if you aren't paying any more in will it reduce the amount you will receive monthly? If you retire now will you ever have the $ or the place to put a L.A. that you have been dreaming of.

3 years is not that long and you are close enough to your grandkids that if you want you can see them every weekend until you do retire or spend those 4 weeks of vacation being full time grandma.

Joann

[Sandra Darlington]

Linda, Phyllis and Joann,

Thanks so much for your words of wisdom. I really like the idea of having a Quilter's Sanctuary! Wow, what a wonderful idea. Can I be the first to reserve a room, complete with dark chocolate and a massage, followed by quality quilting time with my quilting friends? That really makes me smile this morning.

Thanks so much for your concern. I am feeling much better this morning already.

Sandy

[Mary Beth]

Phyllis,

DH and I bought 16 acres near Truman Lake a few years ago...I have him convinced to build a "bunk house" of sorts to conduct quilter's retreats....he fell for it !! He hasn't built it, but he was talking bout it....he bought it for hunting...he thinks I'm spoiled...wonder where he gets that:o?:cool:

[Sandra Darlington]

Wow, Mary Beth,

16 acres near a lake? It sure sounds like a good place to build "our" quilter's sanctuary. 8 achres for his hunting lodge and 8 acres for us.

Sandy

[OntheLAM]

It is wonderful to read the kind words of support in response to Sandy's dilemma of retirement. Almost two years ago we moved from our lifetime stay in Seattle to a small Idaho town to end our working years quietly and accumulating enough to enjoy our retirement years. HAH!!! Fixing inexpensive house = big $$. (but used the non-extra for my Liberty!!) But, then my DD finally extricated herself from a horrible controlling husband in Seattle, arrived at Christmas with two young babies and a restraining order. Well--we now help her with rent, are paying generously for the (second) lawyer, will pay for two years of technical college training so she can support her family--but, more insidiously, we have every weekend taken with their needs. The emotional toll is unbelieveably draining, between the slightly (but understandably) out of control kids; the legal nightmares and screaming meltdowns (vaguely understandable) my DD has. But, what I really wanted to share, is how nice it is to hear the support for trying to carve out one's own life. As was said, we already did the family thing; it's time for us now. My favorite non-support line from our family has been "Be careful what you wish for!" Helpful, what?

So, Sandy, good luck with your decision. Right now, three years seems like an eternity!!!! Caroline

[Mary Beth]

You should have your DD check into pell grants or whatever they are called. When I was a single mom - after going through a horrible divorce - I applied for grant money through the financial aid office at the college I attended. My classes were paid in full and it was a very expensive college. I had to purchase the books, but I was working full-time and even though it was difficult, I was so grateful to have the classes paid I came up with the money for the books. My parents paid for my attorney fees, court costs, etc. And as I remember there was a lot of tears, and fights on the phone. It is a terrible time for everyone involved, including you the parents. We all survived that time and I am so thankful that I had my parents to help me, I don't think I could have done it on my own.

I tell you all of this to say....look for help in some of these things. Don't jump in with the money when there are places to go for help...and I'm not saying a handout...I'm saying things like her education. Hope this helps some. I know it is a very difficult time and it takes time to heal these kinds of wounds.

Mary Beth

[OntheLAM]

My hat is off to you, Mary Beth, for going through what must have been an incredibly difficult period. (And to your parents!) Yes, she has indeed qualified for a Pell and has subsidized loan aid as well. But working full time isn't possible during school, since it will take 6 hrs a day; she will work half-time. How did you do it? Did your parents do childcare? She has subsidized daycare, but we (so far) have avoided the 'fill-in' hours. We are so glad to be there for her and so very, very glad that she wants our help. There are times, though, that we just crave some quiet! And, so, back to my Liberty! Caroline

[pigletaz]

I may be out of line, but what the hay, have you considered not financing your sons' college education and having him take out student loans, grants, etc.? I know it sounds hardhearted, but I heard advice on a financial news show that paying for your childs' education is the worst investment you can make (considering you will never get that cash back) apart from making sure they finish college of course or if your educated child supports you later in life! We've been trying to put some money away for college for our kids and realized ...hey, they really should contribute at least half of the cost through scholarships, grants, loans, etc. Would that alleviate some of your financial concerns? However, my children are 6 and 8 years old and no where near college age, so that is 10 years off. Also, don't give the babysitting away for free... get something in return. Can your daughter barter something that you need...help around the house. Like, real help? I'm definitely into the barter system - you help me, I'll help you. When the first grandchild was born in my DHs family, his mother said - I am not a free babysitter. And guess what, she isn't. I know what you mean about husbands, my husband does the same thing! Piles things up. Can't get over that! GOOD LUCK!

[Mary Beth]

Caroline,

I grew up in a neighborhood where neighbors were neighbors. My mom and dad worked, but the lady down the street would let my kids come to her house before and after school. I worked days, and went to 2 classes a week at night. My mom and dad made sure the kids had dinner and stayed with them until I got home from school, usually about 8:30 pm. My kids were about 11 & 12, so they could fend for themselves...but they hated each other and fought like they were going to kill each other, so I had to have someone around to sit on them once in a while. My ex and I had joint custody so the kids lived with him in the summer and came to my house every other weekend and one evening during the week...plus 3 weeks consecutive for vacation. So that freed up some of our time during the summer and gave my folks a break.

If it had not been for my parents we would have been living in a cardboard box, I am convinced of that. Like Pigletaz said, if the kids are old enough to do things around the house, by all means have them do that. We needed baseball cleats - my son mowed grandpa's yard - 1/2 acre, until he could pay off the cleats. My dad didn't want to do that, but I think it was good for my son.

It would be in everyone's best interest if you DD could be as self sufficient as possible. My parent made a down payment on a mobile home for me and I made the payments. It was used, and not fancy, but it was in very good shape. And I felt like it was mine. I didn't have to do things a certain way because my mom and dad did it that way. My kids were 6 and 7 when I first got my divorce, I can understand how hard it would be with babies, but there has to be a way.

I wish you the best of luck, you can email me personally if there is anything else I can do to help at maryquilts@kc.rr.com.

Mary Beth

[Judi]

Mary Beth - When are you going to start building that retreat? Will you

sign me up and safe a place for me??!!?

Sandra - I do hope all works out for you..... sounds like some really tough

things to work out.....

Everybody - I wish you all had a partner as loving and supportive as I have,

he is such a joy! The girls run to the door (like right now) when Daddy

comes home! He is the level headed one in our family too, I just "do it" -

he reads the manual first! We make a great team!!

I have always wished the "Elm Creek Quilts" was a real place! I love to

read those books and wish I could go there...... who will be our Silvia?!?

[Mary Beth]

Elm Creek Quilts...hum...I can't remember the last book I read. It was before I bought my Millie. Maybe I should go to the lake and read a book instead of taking a quilt to work on.

I am a lucky one too. My DH spoils me rotten...I need to let him buy a fishing boat, his is so old it doesn't run any more...he hasn't been fishing except when we went salmon fishing....he really needs a boat.

[annlittle1]

Sandra,

The best thing about grandchildren is that you can spoil them and enjoy them and when they get cranky and tired you send them home to Mom and Dad!

I babysit my grandchildren three to five days a week, depending on my daughter's work schedule. Joshua will be two in August and Keira will be three months old on Tuesday. I love every minute that I spend with them, but , I'm also glad when they go home and things are quiet again in my house. The days they aren't here are the days that I quilt.

Everybody stayed at my house for a month after Keira was born. My daughter had pre-eclampsia and her blood pressure stayed high for a while. She also had a C-section, so couldn't lift the Joshua for six weeks. I did absolutely no quilting that month. It was so nice when they went home and we had the house to ourselves again. I need to quilt; I mean I really need to quilt to keep my sanity!

As for the job situation; if this job is affecting your health either mentally or physically, there aren't any benefits or money that will make it worthwhile to stay in it. I've gone through that twice. The first time I wound up with neck and shoulder problems from stress that became a chronic situation. I still suffer with that and its been over fourteen years now. The second time I hung on for three years at a job that was creating an anxiety/depression problem. I finally got to the point that I told my boss what I thought about things and told another underwriter that I was "royally pi**ed" because of his childish behaviour. I was invited to leave the credit union a few days later. It was the best thing that could have happened to me. It was a night and day change for me.

I love quilting and being home with my grandchildren. In a few years I'll have more time and will be able to go full time with quilting. We have half the income we had before, and my retirement was invested in my machine. Somehow, we manage. I'm much happier and my DH has decided that he prefers me at home, too, because of that.

Everyone has to make their own decisions, but like others said, I would think very carefully before I moved in with other family members.

Just my 2 cents worth.

Phyllis

[Mary Beth]

Hey Beth...Have you played with your CL yet??

[Sandra Darlington]

Good morning Mary Beth, Caroline, Phyllis, Judi, Pigletaz, Shana, Beth, et al,

I am overwhelmed with the kind words from everyone at a time when I am so "confused." I still don't have any answers, but I am calmer than I was when I wrote my original post about this dilema, thanks to all of you.

It seems so many of us have gone through similar situations where we had to, or wanted to, help our kids, and where our parents were there to help us through the difficult times. I am touched by your stories and tenacity to pull yourselves up by your boot straps and get it together, never giving up. There's always an answer out there, although sometimes these answers seem to be playing hide and seek with us. Thanks for sharing with me; it sure is helping.

I think our quilting, knitting, etc. is what keeps us sane! I know I love to excape to my sewing room (basement rec room) and get lost in quilting. In fact I am going to spend most of today sewing. I called out sick this morning after being up a good part of the night coughing from a lousy cold. I guess this is a combination sick day/mental health day - AKA quilting day - LOL.

Hugs to all of you,

Sandy

[April W]

Sandra,

I just don't see much benefit of quitting a good paying job with benefits, selling (a whole) house... then building an addition onto somebody else's place when you need at least 2 bedrooms and a quilting room that's off limit to grandkids due to expensive or dangerous things. Can they not find a decent stay at home mom in their area to babysit their kids?

I've been on my own before (yep that divorce thing) and with 2 small kids. We lived in a one bedroom duplex for some time. I paid rent, car pymt, babysitter for two and all the utilities and groceries. Surely if your DD and DSIL both work they can afford a good sitter.

I would think long and hard on this decision and follow your heart girl. Best wishes.

[Sandra Darlington]

Thanks, April.

You've sure been through a lot and seem to have held your head up high and moved forward through it all. Your last sentence sums it up in a nutshell..."follow your heart girl." Thank you. I do have to listen to my heart to make the right decision.

Sandy