starting over

[nora123]

this is off topic but has anyone lost a marriage because of long arm quilting?.

Thanks,

Nora

Washougal Washington

Millenium

[LindaB]

Oh dear....

I've been longarm quilting since '01. I was totally consumed by learning by craft, living/breathing it....even quilting in my mind as I went to sleep.

I found my husband supportive of my "business" but after a while he would make remarks of "I'm leaving him by himself" and he'd want to go here or there and I'd "can't go, have to finish up this quilt".....

As a result, I found I had to take a few steps back away - had to put life into proper perspective......it's a lot better now that I'm not quilting customer quilts.....

I've learned that there has to be a balance of quilting and family life.....

[JudyL]

Do you mean gotten a divorce because of long arm quilting? I hope not but I think with most anything that any married person does, it takes support and encouragement from the spouse for any project.

While I don't pretend to know circumstances of every home but I'm thinking a marriage that fails because of a longarm, is a marriage that was teetering on the edge anyway but . . I could be very wrong.

[smhowell]

I think I heard that the number 1 cause of divorce is financial stress, but infidelity probably runs a real close second. Workaholics often lose their marriages. I've heard it said, and I believe it, that every marriage is a lifelong job that you have to work at every day to make it a success. Enough neglect can kill anything.

I've heard of marriages saved by going to a marriage retreat so that the couple is more likely to refocus and recommit.

[Patch]

Here's my experience living with a work-aholic who uses Science as his excuse: I decide every day if I can stand being second to his career with no respect for my dreams anymore, and everyday I say "I don't want to reach old age alone". Yup. I wonder if your spouse feels like I do with mine....

I think what was said above are valid points, and if you are having trouble with the longarm there are other, deeper problems it would be good for the marriage to address - together. I have seen counselors off and on for years, alone, and it's useless for the relationship, but good for my self- esteem. If you are going to address any issue in the marriage, remember, it takes two. You did not get to this point alone, and you won't get off the rocks in your marriage alone.

Oh, so easy for me to give the advice...

And I really do have a lot to be very thankful for in my man, when he remembers he's my man. Mostly he's the kids' dad, which I guess I can't complain about. I just am so tired of doing everything alone. And if your spouse feels this way it would be VERY good for you to pay attention.

Alright, that's enough from this disgruntled housewife, LOL! Someday I'm going to see "Angry Housewives", as I've heard it is very therapeutic.

[Bonnie]

My experience in longarming is that if I and my husband weren't trying to devote equil time to TWO businesses, my longarming might have caused a riff....as it was he was welding as long or as many hours as I was longarming and there were weeks or months that he wasn't even home because of a job he was on. But if we weren't trying to do the business thing, I honestly think we would have done the balance thing to make things work....Its a give give thing with marriages, and NOT always a 50/50 or a 60/40 its what you make work for you.

With that said, we each bring to a marriage certain things...things change and if you can't change with those, things start to stress and become festered and chinks of doubt start to form.

A marriage is a work in progress, each day brings a different set of rules, a different set of outcomes and when you go to bed each night you are not the same as you were when you woke up...if you did things right that day you grew a bit wiser, a bit stronger and made a few right choices for life.

Unfortunaitly, my life didn't come with a day to day rule book and kids don't come with owners manual....I know this because when our daughter was born I wasn't given one, and I know I have made some mistakes in her life as well....but as time went on I grew to be responsible for my actions, and my thinking process. Because of every action there is a reaction....and I learned that the fork in the road does mean something...and both roads do not come to the same ending.

I would hope that no one would ever loose a marriage over something so superfical as a longarm quilting business or hobby. I'm sure that there are many many other things that have changed in your life beside just longarming that has caused this riff...and you are the only one who can take the right road to where you need to go. Wanting a successful business is also important, but balancing life is a must.

[Bekah]

Oh Bonnie, what you said is so true. Marriage is work and sacrifice every single day and sometimes every single hour, but the blessings that come from sacrifice and commitment and honoring that commitment, learning to share and give, and sometimes being the only one that gives is well worth the joy that can come your way. Please seek some counsel with a trusted person, your pastor if you have one, and if not maybe seek one. Try with all you have in you and see what happens. You might be surprised. but if this relationship cannot be repaired, then think through your options carefully. Remebering that crying only lasts a nighttime and joy comes in the morning. Please take care of yourself and give any one of us a call if you need a shoulder to cry on or jsut a listening ear. we promise not to ever judge but only support you in anyway we can.

[gable428]

This is a touchy one. I totally agree with those who said there must be bigger problems and not just the longarm. If something like this happened to me, I would never stay in a marriage where I was expected to give up something that meant so much to me and that I loved. For me, I would rather be alone than with someone who didn't respect my feelings, wishes, etc.

Gable

[lizziesgirl]

There is a wonderful book out there that saved my marriage. Nine years ago DH and I were a month and a half away from our divorce being final and a friend of mine suggested this book. We both read it and went to a marriage seminar and it made a world of difference. Please read: The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. You see my husband was speaking german as far as I was concerned in trying to show me that he loved me, I was speaking Italian back. Once we both learned how to speak English when it came to love its made it a whole lot better. I will pray for you becuse I know its hard.

[kerri]

Is your DH a little jealous of your new found joy in Longarm quilting. Maybe he'll realize that loving this hobby doesn't take away from your love of him. After awhile life will balance out again, when you have had your machine for a little longer.

Not sure if that is any help, but thought I would mention it.

[TinaC]

Okay I could get myself into some trouble here but this is what I think. I went back and looked through some past posts and it seems to me that you would prefer to do this business all by yourself. It also sounds like your DH wants to be part of your business as you helped him with his in the past. Please forgive me if my assumptions are wrong, I'm just basing this on what I've read so far.

One thing I know for certain and from personal experience is that going it alone makes things misserable for everyone. I started my business in 2005 and my DH was adamant that I do the business plan myself, why, so I could prove I was serious. Well I took that to mean that he didn't want to help at all which made no sense to me. He's a business grad and works with small business for a living. So once I got started I believed that I must do all things by myself.

To make a long story short, we finally got on the same page and started working together. I mean using his strengths where I lacked and involving the rest of the family (ie: our 2 kids) and everything else fell into place. So now I work on the quilting, advertising, trade shows and anything else I excel at while my DH does the admin stuff, online work, correspondence, paperwork and all things that we feel he does best. But the thing to remember is like the other gal stated every day brings new challenges and the only certain is that nothing will ever stay the same, things are always changing and if we want to succeed we must change with it or fall behind.

So in the end I believe that marriage, is like a business partnership. And like a partnership no one person can run the show but together anything is possible.

[Guest Smile&nod]

But what if the business is a sole proprietorship? Sorry for the levity...the point stands though. Even in a sole prop, an owner has to know how to cooperate and work with other people who are integral to the successful operation of the business, regardless if they have a vested interest or not.

I'm Tina's hubby, and on pain of getting lynched by everyone, I though I'd just add the male perspective here.

A lot of the time its hard to understand why a person acts a certain way, or says a certain thing because you know that you yourself would never have done or said that thing. You must try to realize that you can't impose your value system on another person, and expect that they will react the same way that you do. They have their own motivations, and before you can deal with another person, you have to try and understand the motivation.

When T first started the business, it was actually quite a few years ago. From my perspective, I didn't think she was ready to run yet, she had so many "pie in the sky" ideas but not much of the foundation work. And my tough love mentality told me that unless she had done the proposal herself, and understood the plan intimately, she wouldn't be able to move forward. Buying a machine and putting your name on a shingle to hang on your door does not automatically mean you are a business.

Problem I had was, if I had done the proposal for her, then it wouldn't have been "her" business, especially if I suddenly started to manage the business. She had a fear, IMO, of losing control. But while she was totally prepared to come up with the creative side of things, she had no interest in doing the planning, paperwork, administration, etc...the boring stuff. And in my experience, I'd seen several craft based businesses start and struggle and fail, because the owner didn't have a workable proposal. I DEFINATELY didn't want that for T.

Its in my nature to want to step in and fix the problem if its presented to me. Probably one of those "guy" things. But how could I do this without it seeming like I"m "rescuing" my wife? How much will she resent me for wresting away control of her business? But if I don't do anything, then I'm faced with a potential financial fiasco? And then like a typical male, I get stressed out over this, put on a brave face, and try to act like nothing bothers me. And of course, she can sense this and trys to help, but I don't say anything. And before you know it, things start spiraling down.

We do have a happy ending though. T finally had something click in her mind. I think it's that she realized that once she was willing to be accountable to herself (and to a smaller extent, us)for our business, she'd be better able to handle constructive criticisms or even offers of assistance, rather than thinking that to accept help/advice is to give up control.

And yes, this is our business. Has been for quite some time now. I feel I can voice an opinion and not get "the look". T also understands that when I offer an opinion or a criticism, its not a dig at her, but merely pointing out a facet that she hadn't considered. We are partners in the truest sense of the word, both in our marriage and our business. We cooperate. We discuss. Most importantly, we communicate. But yeeesh...what a ride to get to this point. Its so worth it in the end though.

You and your hubby have a challenge...I won't sugar coat it here. And one of the toughest things for both of you will be to realize that you both have faults, and both need to work on some personal accountability for your actions. I don't know yours or his motivations, but you need to be willing to really look at both sides of the coin...his views and yours...and try to understand what makes him tick. And yes, he has an equal responsiblity to do the same for you.

I hope you can find some common ground and develop some understandings so that you both can move forward. I wish you all the best.

And on a lighter note...as someone mentioned before, a partnership is not always 50-50. It changes, depending on the cirumstances, and you both need to be able to adapt. But its funny...regardless of the split ratio, I've always found that in a 50-50 or 60-40 or even a 90-10, the lady always wants the hyphen too.

[Bonnie]

Smile&nod,

You are safe with me....no lynching here....But I did want to add...I have been known occasionally to share MY hyphen.

[Guest Smile&nod]

Oh be-haaaaaaaaaave

:cool:

[CucumberQuilting]

Hi Nora,

Since you are located in Washougal you should meet, if you haven't already, and develop a relationship with another serious quilter. Her name is Barbara Shapel. I've seen and admired her beautiful, two-sided, art quilts for quite some time. It would be healthy for you to get another perspective from a fellow quilting gal face-to-face over a cup of coffee or something.

Her contact infomation that I have from her awesome business card: Barbara Shapel / contempory fiber artist / 360-335-1200 / 3900 SE 327th Ave. Washougal

http://barbarayano.com/

She's teaching two classes at Sisters this year but they were both sold out before I got around to signing up. You'd think I'd learn!!!

Peace and Best Wishes ~~ Eva H.

Yep, I'm side-stepping the original topic all together!

[JudyL]

Smile & Nod: Love your name! I think that should be every husband's motto -- just smile and nod!

What you said is so true. My husband looks at things so differently from the way I look at them. Sometimes I wonder what planet he came from but I'm sure he wonders the same things about me. I rarely (if ever) make a major decision without involving my husband because (1) we are partners in everything and (2) I want to blame him if things don't work! Seriously, by talking things out, we're usually able to come to a conclusion that makes us both happy.

It took me a while to understand that men do want to "fix" things and sometimes when my husband is trying to "fix" something, I see it as he's trying to take over and tell me what to do and when we end up talking about it, I understand that he has my best interest at heart and is trying to "fix" everything for me.

Marriage isn't always easy but there's nothing better than having a great marriage.

[Mary Beth]

My DH is a General Foreman at a plant that repairs and leases railroad tank cars. He is totally in charge of about 80 men in the plant. He schedules all cars in for repairs and makes sure everything runs smoothly. He doesn't turn that off when he comes home. Well, he may, but it's hard to tell sometimes He tries to give suggestions on what would make things run more smooth in my business. Sometimes he gives very good advise, sometimes he needs to go outside and find something to do Even though he says it is my business, or that on paper, it is listed as a sole propietorship, it is our company - at least that is the way I see it. for one thing, my business doesn't make enough money to be independent of out other incomes, yet. And because I'm old school I guess - what's mine is yours and whats yours is mine. I just know when to tune him out, and when to take his advise. And Bonnie is right, marriage is 40/60 or like Smile & Nod said 80/20 or whatever.

[Bekah]

The book mentioned by Sheryl above is a wonderful one. It was one of the books used at the Bible college I graduated from. It has helped a lot of people and I heartedly recommend it for anyone that is struggling in their marriage. It is also good just to read for relationships in general.

[Patch]

I've read that book. My mom gave it to me years ago. My DH wanted nothing to do with a book by Gary Chapman as he was suggested by my mom, and DH does his religion so differently from her. So he never got it. Probably never will... but I hang in there.

So much wisdom has been typed here, Nora. I hope something here can help you out a little. We're all pulling for whatever is best for you. But I think at the end of the day it's the time you spend with someone who really, REALLY knows and understands you that counts for something. Sometimes we have to take a lot of yuck before we can see the gold. I hope you find your gold soon.

[kennan100]

Somehow we've ended up with 2 versions of this topic. The other one picks up in mid conversation with no clue as to what Nora started this with. I'm replying on this one because it's the original thread.

Joann made a good point on the other version. Nora, you'd mentioned before that your husband wanted to help you in your business and you didn't want him to. This struck a spark with me. Men are NOT good at expressing what is in their hearts, they just don't know how to interpret it themselves much less SAY it so they tend to act it out and we just have to read between the lines. Kinda like a 2 year old, they just do not have the words.

Is he wanting to be involved in your business as a way to be involved with YOU? Now that you are occupied with something that has you very focused as you work he may be missing you. This may not be him trying to take over your business or run you in any way. And if he's complaining about the time you spend at this it sounds like he just misses having some of your time for himself and is blaming your business for taking time he thinks should be for him. And "time for him" really isn't right either, it's more like time for the two of you together. And if you've completely shut him out of the business he may feel like your hands off the business means hands off you, too. Read between the lines a little and go talk to your husband, it's not like you don't know and love him, and the same goes for him. It may not be easy to get started if it has become so big an issue that your marriage is in danger. You've known each other and been partners in everything except work for how many years now? Through what kind of ups and downs? Maybe things timewise are just a little out of balance. It's a business, yes, but it's also a marriage, and a family, and a life. You don't have to give up one in order to have the other...you just have to draw some lines. He needs to understand to stay back while you are working, (after all it is a job like any other job), and you need to know when it's time to punch the clock and go home! It's a balancing act for both of you to learn.

[Mary Beth]

I've been thinking about this situation and what I would do if I were in your shoes. Yes, we all have an opinion and are always ready to give it. We can give great advise on quilting and piecing, but this situation is different. I think in this case you really should seek the advise of a professional counselor, like a marriage counselor. There has been a breech of trust and some very hard feelings. Just my 2 cents, for what it's worth.

[Carolyn]

An interesting thread, with a lot of viewpoints.

When I read the original question, my first thought was that if someone is putting all their time and energy into 'longarming', it stands to reason there won't be too much left over. And, like JudyL alluded to, there are probably some more serious underlying issues and the issue of 'longarming' simply becomes a convenient catalyst.

If there's 'nothing' left over, then you can't each give 100% (not 50-50, not 60-40, not 90-10) to your marriage. I think people make a mistake when they say '50-50' - a good marriage requires (the effort to give) 100% from both partners.

I don't think that it's true in all cases that men don't know how to express themselves, but I do believe that wanting to 'fix' the problem is part of their inherent nature; just, perhaps, as 'ours' is to debate things to pieces, without really resolving the issue(s).

Patch: You say that you don't want to reach old age alone: if your DH is a workaholic and has no time for you now, you are already 'alone'. Don't let your therapy be a show about angry women - like someone else said, find a good counsellor to help you decide what you need to do for you and let your husband know that's what you're doing.

Good luck

Carolyn

[Patch]

Hi Carolyn, sorry I missed this for so long. Thanks for the words of advice to me too. I've been handling my DS's health problems alone for over a week, but yesterday DH got home from his meeting in Palm Springs. No, it wasn't a case of "Bye, honey, I'll have a good time in P.S. while you deal with DS's issues", it was a scientific meeting they have once a year in different places, and they keep them so busy they don't have a chance to enjoy where they're at. He also visited his crippled mother in a nursing home in Duarte on this trip, so he did not have any fun. (But MIL looks great, he says, so a good visit.)

Since having to make major decisions about our son's treatment and what it is he is dealing with all alone by myself, I truly have a huge amount of appreciation for both my husband's dedication to our children and his expertise as a scientist, as well as his insights about his own mental and physical make-up which he bequeathed to our son. I also so very much respect the pediatrician's knowledge and her caring about our child. I hope these two pieces of gained wisdom (I hope it's wisdom...) can help both our relationship and our son in the future. DH is still as annoying as ever in some ways, but I can't do this without him. I am so stressed out over this I will need a little trip to my bestie in Texas soon, and could never do that without DH's support. So.... this is just to say, yes I feel alone a whole lot of the time, but now that we have our son's issues to deal with, we will be working together to help him, and there's no one else I think would be a better dad for this boy, since DH knows him from the inside out, as it were.

Only..... I wish he'd decide to go to Scout camp with DS this summer, as it's truly not up my alley anymore. Well.... we'll see what other moms go. Maybe I'd be in good company.

So how's Nora doing with this, anybody know?