Time for a little humor!!

[eswindy]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZ48TDpK7ho

Christmas Dinner

[crawysong]

A police officer running traffic controll out on rte 24 so many people cant seem to contain themselves to the 55 mph speed limit on the straight boring stretch of road, he cant help but notice the bright red BMW creeping up the road at less than 30 miles an hour.

He pull out onto the road behind them just to watch and the car slows down even a tad more 22 mph -25 mph- 24 mph. He watches closely for a few more minutes and finally flips on his lights to stop the car

Puzzled he walks up to the car and finds four older women, the driver seems fairly well composed but the three passengers are all very disturbed. All three have death grip holds on anything stable in the car and seem to just be barley able to catch their breath.

Not sure what has caused the drama he asks the driver to step out of the car so he can seperate them all and probe for more information.

She is more than gracious and steps out right away. Once out of the car she does inquire as to why the officer pulled her over in the first place. She was doing exactly the speed limit In fact when she had noticed the officer she set her cruiz controll at 24 mph just as the sign had said, and she was quite shocked that he bothered pulling her over when all these other cars were just flying by her.

He was confused for just a minute then he understood she had confused the speed limit sign with the road sign. after all he was patrolling rte24

and they both had a small chuckle at her mistake.

Then he asked about her passengers, was there a tragedy or something that caused their reaction? The lady just blushed and than begin to giggle

The officer finally got her to stiffle her chuckles and explain

"well sir, see we just got on this stretch of highway a few miles back, I just pulled off what im sure now must have been rte 110"

[Katydids]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies. 'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife. Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price.'

On the PA system: 'Clean-up needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down'

[love2qlt4u]

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving

and says," I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your

mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what

are you talking about?" the son screams.

We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says.

"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you

call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck

they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this," She

calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT

getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm

calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.

Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and

hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says,"

They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

[quiltmonkey]

The Six Commandments of Electrical Safety

I. Beware of the lightning that lurketh in an undischarged capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most embarrassing manner.

II. Prove to thyself that all circuits that radiateth and upon which thou worketh, are grounded and thusly tagged, lest they lift thee to a radio frequency potential and causeth thee to make like a radiator, too.

III. Tarry thou not amongst those fools that engage in intentional shocks, for they are not long for this world and are surely unbelievers.

IV. Take care that thou tamperst not with interlocks and safety devices, for this incurreth the wrath of thy supervisor and bringeth the fury of thy safety officer upon thy head.

V. Trifle thee not with radioactive tubes and like substances, lest thou commence to glow in the dark like a lightning bug and thy spouse be frustrated and have no further use for thee, except for thy wages.

VI. Verily, Verily, I say unto thee, never service equipment alone, for electrical cooking is a slow process and thou might sizzle in thy own fat upon a hot circuit for hours on end before thy Maker sees fit to end thy misery and drag thee into the fold.

[quiltmonkey]

I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes.

When I came out there was a city cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a name. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So I called him a worse name. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner and this one had an "Obama for President" bumper sticker on it.

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm old. It's important at my age.

[nineva]

Shana, you are too much. You ROCK!!!!! Hilarious.:P:P:P

[RitaR]

True happening in North Carolina , on Sun. A man was trying to carjack a car and was beating on the woman.. another person saw him and whacked him in the head with a frozen turkey. Knocked the hijacker out and he spent 2 days in the hospital.. unpon leaving the hospital, he was arrested and taken to jail.

Go Gettem.

RitaR

[quiltmonkey]

...the ones I remember aren't really "dirty" but probably not very appropriate for this nice quilt chat site. LOL!! Anyway, I remembered another one that was kinda cute...

A secretary, the office manager and the boss were walking through the city park on their way to get some lunch at a nearby cafe and they came across a small oil lamp on the lawn.

Out of curiosity, the secretary stops and picks up the lamp. Suddenly a genie pops out from inside and says "Thank you for releasing me from that stuffy lamp. For your good deed I will grant each of you a wish."

The secretary thinks for a moment and then says "I want to be on a speed boat in the Bahamas with the wind blowing in my hair and a handsome guy at my side."

Poof! The secretary was gone in a moment's flash.

The office manager says "I want to be on a beach in Hawaii with two gorgeous women slathering sun tan lotion on my back and a Mai Tai in my hand."

Poof! The Office Manager was gone in a moment's flash.

The boss says "I want those two back here in an hour."

[ffq-lar]

The new CEO of a manufacturing business was determined in his first weeks to get rid of slackers and show his leadership skills.

His first day he accompanied his managers to the factory floor to instill some fear in the workers.

Everyone knew he was there and scurried around being very busy except one employee who was leaning against the wall and staring into space.

Wanting to impress the underlings, he approached and screamed at the slacker "How much do you get paid!!??"

"I make $400 a week", he replied, confused.

The CEO reached into his wallet and said, "Well, here's $1600. Now GET OUT!!"

Satisfied that he had made quite an impression, he asked a worker, "What did that guy do?"

"Oh, he's the Domino's Pizza delivery guy."

:P:P

[matildanme]

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term: The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas >cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving.

I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY ³A

[sewhappy]

This is my all time favorite-To those that don't find it funny I am sorry....

It was "that time of the month" for Sally and of course she was running low on everything. So she ran into town to pick up a few things. Now she lives in a very small town and everyone knows everyone else. She was embarrassed at the market of the few personal items in her cart so she threw in items she really did not need to help camoflauge her purchases. When she got to the register the clerk said that she thought this box was on sale. Sally was so embarrassed and said it really did not matter. The clerk replied "Nonsense-a penny saved is a penny earned" So called over the store's loudspeaker "Jerry-I need a price check on Super Tampax at checkstand #8". Now Jerry was of course in the storeroom and did not hear her clearly-He thought she said Thumbtacks. So he announced back over the loudspeaker-"What kind? The kind you push in with your finger or pound in with a hammer?" :P:P

Patty

[JuliaDay]

I can just see the purse swinging in slow motion as it impacts the side of his face.

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Thud.

[Bonnie]

"How Nice"