Time for a little humor!!

[sewhappy]

With all that is going on here on this chat, - Patty and Nancy JO my heart goes out to you both. DH is CSI & deputy coroner - 3 of his cases last week were personal friends and neighbors, & DD told me last nite that one of her close friends has been out of school for a while-it turns out that he is losing his sight! he is 15 & will be completly blind by 16. All of this is compounded for me as the holidays approach and the passing of my father around this time last year. My heart goes out to all.

Now, I hope no one thinks I am making light of all of this- I just think it is time for a little humor. Lets hear your favorite jokes! Nothing dirty or insulting! Just good or even corny to help "lighten it up" a bit...

I'll start....I Have two...

1.

"What's the last thing Batman said to Robin before they got into the Batmobile??"

"Get in the Batmobile Robin"

2.

Did you hear about the woman that was so dumb that she got fired from the M&M factory? She was throwing away all the "W"s. :P

Hope this helps put a few smiles on out there!

Patty

[Laurie]

Smiles, indeed! :)

Thanks!

[Neher-in-law5]

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, 'Well your Honour, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honour, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it.'

'CASE DISMISSED!!'

[Neher-in-law5]

The Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's

mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for

over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully

intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

[doodlebug]

Three elderly sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night, the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head, knocks on the table, and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful. Knock on wood!" She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

[mestuart]

Thanks Ladies, I had my giggle for the morning. Happy Stitching

[IBQLTN2]

BAKED STUFFED TURKEY

Here is a turkey recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing -- imagine that. When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.

BAKED STUFFED TURKEY

14 - 15 lb. TURKEY

1 cup melted butter

1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is Good.)

2 cups uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S LOW FAT)

Salt/pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush turkey well with melted butter salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.

Listen for the popping sounds. When the turkey's stuffed end blows the oven door open and the turkey flies across the room, it's done.

And, you thought I couldn't cook...

Ok, I died laughing!!!

Never know till you try it, but not suggesting you do. LOL

Jeanne

[VictoriaG]

A Really Terrible Horrible Bad Day author unknown

I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block number three of the accident reporting form, I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more and I trust that the following details are sufficient:

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of bricks left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at the ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh 135 pounds. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured scull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground - and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately 50 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel, slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks in pain, unable to move, and watching the barrel six stories above - I again lost my presence of mind.

I let go of the rope!

vg

[April W]

VICTORIA,

Waaaaay too funny.........ROTFLMAO (in tears)

[JoleneK]

OMG Victoria, I know that guy!!!:D:D

[mark]

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't

seen you In a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a

cannon Ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK,, but what about that hook? What

happened To your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship

and got Into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a

hook. I'm fine, Really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds

flew Over. I looked up, and one of them pooped in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just

from Bird poop."

"It was my first day with the hook."

[Stagecl]

Too funny....all of them...I sure got a good laugh today.

[nineva]

OMG you guys are hilarious.:P:P:P:P:P:P:P That took care of one of my homeworks for the day. I am still laughing. TOOOOOOOO FUNNNYYYYY. Thanks for starting this, Patty.

:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

[Greg]

Long before my wife was a quilter, I built log homes for a living. One day while working on a large log home in Ellensburg Washington, we discovered there was room enough to build a "secrete" attic in this home. All we would have to do is install some big hurky logs for joists about 22' feet in the air and about 4' in a row. During construction I asked our owner's brother to jump up and trim off these 20" diameter logs so we could get ready for the roof decking. Dean did so and he tied a rope around the 3 foot chunk he would cut off and fired up his chain saw. Zip! the 40 pound piece hurtled through the air, slipped through the rope, and punched a nice hole right through the subfloor. Haha. We laughed because we knew he was going to ruin his Saturday patching up the floor hole he just made. He went to the next joist and proceeded to tie the rope off real tight and fired up his chain saw. Zip! the 40 pound piece hurtled through the air, broke the rope and punched a bigger hole in the subfloor. Now he has two holes to fix. By this time the whole job stopped to watch Dean do the next joist. The air was blue with cursing from about 20 feet and and we were all laughing pretty hard. Dean tied both ends securely and used extra rope. He fired up his chainsaw and ...Zip! the 40 pound hunk crashes through the floor because the rope was a foot too long.... We were in hysterics.

[LauraJ]

True story.

My daughter (now 23) in Kindergarten was doing the Red Ribbon Week thing that all of our kids do. The motto then: Drug Free and Proud. Hugs not Drugs. Being a room mom I was there on Friday, the last day of the campaign. The kids sat in a big circle, one of the female district employees came dressed up as the Huggy Bear. Kids could get hugs if they remembered the motto (that's when hugs were ok to give to kids - not like now!)

The kids were coming out of their skin they so badly wanted to say the motto. Little Sharon, my daughter's best friend, just about jumped up and the teacher asked her as the first one to go ahead stand up and say the motto.

She stood up, took a real deep breath and yelled "Free Drugs, Be Happy!"

[AnnHenry]

Five Jewish men influenced the history of Western civilization:

Moses said the law is everything.

Jesus said love is everything.

Marx said capital is everything.

Freud said sex is everything.

Einstein said everything is relative.

[barbm]

The Seamstress’ Tale

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, “My dear child, why are you crying?” The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires. “Is this your thimble?” the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, “No.” The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies. “Is this your thimble?” Again, the seamstress replied, “No.” The Lord reached down once more and came up with a leather thimble. “Is this your thimble?” the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, “Yes.” The Lord was pleased with the woman’s honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, “Why are you crying?” “Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!” The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. “Is this your husband?” the Lord asked. “Yes,” cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. “You lied! That is an untruth!” The seamstress replied, “Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ‘no’ to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said ‘no’ to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said ‘yes,’ you would have given me all three. Lord, I’m not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT’S why I said ‘yes’ to George Clooney.” And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is:

Whenever a woman lies, it’s for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That’s our story, and we’re sticking to it!

[yeoldeforest]

Ok, my grandmother used to tell this joke all of the time. Imagine a southern 70 yr old woman smoking on the back porch, who would stop telling the joke every time her southern baptist son, my grandmother was methodist, would walk onto the back porch...

This was her joke:

An old man and old woman went to the doctor's office for the woman's annual checkup. The old woman went back with the nurse to answer a few questions. As the nurse went through her questions, she got to the last question and paused... She asked the woman, "Do you and your husband still have intercourse?"

The old woman looked confused and thought and thought and thought. Finally, she said, "I don't know, I need to go ask my husband." So the woman went out to the lobby and asked her husband, "Dear, do we still have intercourse?"

The old man sighed, shook his head and said, "I've told you and told you...We have Blue Cross and Blue Shield!"

----------------------------------------

Get it??? I still smile and tear up when I think about her telling that joke on the back porch!

[Quilting Heidi]

Thanks for the laughs! Those were great!

[Stagecl]

Here is what happened to my daughter, Jenn. When she was around 7th or 8th grade she wanted to steep some tea for herself. So I told her to put the tea kettle on the stove with water and bring it to a boil.

When the water came to a boil, I told her to pour the water in to her tea cup when hold the tea bag over the steaming water (not in it) so it could steep. I just get a chuckle every time I think of her standing there holding the tea bag over the cup of steaming water. She finally said that the bag wasn't steeping and she was so serious...well, I lost it with laughter and told her to put the bag in the water.

It that too mean:P:P I just couldn't resist...it was too funny. And maybe you had to be there to appreciate it.

[RitaR]

My Foster Sisters boy friend, in the military, had to have an emergency appendectomy. She was telling Daddy as he drove the two of us to a dance, and she called it an apendixotomy. Daddy said it must have been a acute appendectomy. She replied, "Well, I don't know how cute it was but they had to take it out."

Another she was famous for was, after watching a head of beef being butchered, and they'd saved the organs to the tub of water, asked where the Gizzard was!"

[sewingjunky]

Betty May, had always been a proper lady, but she did have one vice! It was homemade baked beans. Now unfortunately for Betty May, the baked beans gave her terrible issues with unwanted bodily smells and sounds. As Betty May was a single gal, she would indulge herself fairly regularly on this delight, and during the evening she would "pass" the time in the privacy of her own home.

Now one day she met this very handsome gentleman, very proper and mannered. They married shortly after they met, and Betty May knew she would have to give up her love of baked beans because Ralph was just too mannered to tollerate that kind of behavior.

One day as Betty May was heading home her car broke down in front of a diner. She went in and called Ralph and told him she would be a little bit late because she was going to walk home. He said fine and they hung up. As Betty May was getting ready to leave a waft of that ever so good smell of baked beans hit her. She had to have some, so she quickly downed three helpings. Figuring the walking home would give her plenty of time to relieve any unwanted aroma's.

When she arrived home, Ralph surprised her and said "Darling I am so glad you are home, I have a special dinner for you, first I need to blind fold you and have you sit in the diningroom". Then the phone rang. Ralph made Betty May promise that she would not peek under the blindfold, while he went to answer the phone. She gladly promised as she was starting to realize the effects of the beans had not yet totally worn off.

The minute she heard Ralph on the phone, she lifted one cheek and let all the build up from the last few minutes go, not only did it smell like rotten cabbage, but it was loud too! She took her napkin and waved it so if Ralph came back he wouldn't smell it. Well, his conversation seemed to still be continuing so she proceeded to lift the other cheek, this time she let rip with 3 or 4 big ones. She waved her napkin as if she was in the 4th of July parade.

Ralph came back into the room moments later, he asked her did you keep your promise and not peek under your blind fold? Betty May replied "of course dear". Well then he said, you may now take off your blind fold.... much to Betty Mays astonishment when her eyes cleared there were 12 of her good friends seated at her diningroom table waiting to celebrate her birthday!!!!!!

:P:P:P

[Nadia Wilson]

OMG! Brendalee that is sooo funny! I laughed so much I just about peed!

[IQ'd]

Question:

What's the first thing you know?

Answer:

Old Jed's a Millionaire!

[matildanme]

Q: What's the closest thing to silver?

A: The Lone Ranger's bottom!

And

Q: Why do bees hum?

A: Cause they don't know the words!