NQR-sorry to ask

[RitaR]

I'm so sorry, and it makes ones heart hurt to hear of others going thru much of this.. her and your situtations.. She needs to confront your hubby and repeat what she slanders with, not you. We both know that won't happen..

Another thing I found out when our son died, is much of grief is depression, and medication can help the body while the mind heals it self.

Prayers for the Lords will, peace of heart and mind for both of you.. In my prayers.

God Bless

[sewhappy]

Rita- I am so very sorry to hear about your son-I hope this topic doesnt make it difficult for you!

No they did not suggest I transfer- I asked what my options were. & yes I know that it is the overwhelming grief talking & if were any other Coroner on call that day it would not be as painfull to see me every day & yes I know it will subside eventually But I am unable to see it through to that point! There is of course more and I have already gone into more detail than i intended to! The worst part is that I am the new one & they have known her for so long! She has turned things around when being spoken to to & they believe her I feel because no one wants to "upset" her. The boss has said she wishes she could put up a "nanny cam" to see what really is going on but it is illegal! I told her I would sign a release just to get proof. I do NOT like confrontations and I just want it all over with! I have the brunt of it due to the working office.

I really hope to get the transfer. Boss has allready signed the approval & I had the initial interview- seemed to go well just hoping to hear soon before this goes any further!!!!

[Tevera]

What a terrible situation to be in, we know it's not yours or your husbands fault for your co-workers sons passing. My prayers is that you get your transfer and for her to get help to deal with her pain.

[WestieMom]

I'm so sorry that you are going through this and I feel sympathy for your coworker. Everyone gives great advice here. You are in a hostile work environment and there are laws to protect workers from this. I think the suggestion to meet with your HR department, along with your boss, is an excellent one...and specifically mention hostile work environment. You are not being selfish. This woman is deeply grieving and her mind can't grasp the reality of the situation yet so she is holding on to the anger just to get her through each day (JMHO). As Shana said this woman is in need of some time away from the office and intense counseling...let's hope she gets it. I'll be praying for you and your coworker that you will find peace and resolution. In the mean time I'm sending great big BEAR ((((((((HUGS)))))))) to you.

[cblevins]

I believe it would be better for you to transfer than to fight it. I know that is wrong but as you said...you are the new one. If you fight it and record everything that is said you would probably win and she would be moved. Would your work environment be any better though? If she has been there a long time and people feel sorry for her they will see you as even more of a bad guy if she is moved. I know it is lousy and unfair but I believe in this situation I would work towards the transfer and forget about HR and getting proof. No matter how you go about fighting it everyone will see it as an unfair fight because of what she is dealing with. I used to tell my students that their are times you are better off letting go and moving on even when you know you are right. I think this is one of those times. Please try not to hold a grudge against her for your sake. Starting fresh will bring you relief.

[JustSewSimple]

Don't be sorry to ask......we are here for whatever you want to say. Positive vibes coming your way!

[quiltmonkey]

Hi Sewhappy, your story here reminds me of a past similar story you had when you worked at the quilt shop and you didn't get along with your coworkers. I remember this. There was a lot drama there. Do you still work at this quilt shop still or is this a different job with different coworkers. Gosh you can't find a break anywhere. Seems every where you go there are issues with your coworkers. Not sure what I can say to help.

[sewhappy]

Wow! Now I am sure sorry I brought this up! The quilt shop was years ago! Dishonest people there that had their own family drama & tried to pull people into it-This is a woman who is having terrible pain & grief over her son's passing & directing her anger onto me as my husband was the Coroner on the case causing problems at work for me! Oh by the way no "issues" with others at work. I brought this here for the comaradie - thought is was a "safe" place!?! Oh well ....guess not

[sewhappy]

BTW

I have read many others continuing "dramas" & have never seen a comment like that directed to them!

[cblevins]

What just happened??????

[quiltmonkey]

Sewhappy, I think you took my advice completely wrong. I was supporting you and sorry for you having these issues with coworkers. I wasn't blaming you. Please don't get defensive when people are trying to help. My adivce and words were misconstrued by you. I never meant harm. Sorry you took things the wrong way. Good luck with everything you are going through.

my goodness! I think my head just got bit off...

[quiltmonkey]

I'll just say one more thing and I'll shut up.

Sewhappy, in my experiences with life, when I come across conflict with other people, I just step back and tell myself

"Shana you have no control over other people's actions or behavior, but you do have control over your actions and behavior." And that sets me straight and I take the high road and I keep my actions and behavior in line as best I can. Why? Because I can. Control. My. Actions. And. Behavior.

All my best to you. I sincerely mean that.

[ffq-lar]

Dear Patty,

You are sore and smarting from all the anxiety you are experiencing at work. Everyone is wishing you well and hoping the situation will improve in a way that makes sense for all concerned. We are your friends here. That's a fact that you can hold close to you and take some comfort from.

Shana's post was not meant to be critical and since body language and inflection are absent when posting, perhaps was misconstrued.

Believe her when she says she was supporting you--her heart is huge and she is not one to inflict pain upon anyone. I have tears in my eyes right now knowing that you are in so much pain and that you think Shana has added to it....

Patty, want to come to Olympia and stay a while? You will be close to your daughter, I have a Milli you can play on and a sleeper sofa ready to be made up. We can go Christmas shopping. Sending big hugs and a prayer of hope for a resolution a work.

[aktbone]

Will include the whole situation in my prayers.

God Bless!

[cblevins]

I have to admit that my first thought when I read Shana's post was "ouch"! But then I remembered this is Shana and I don't believe she has a mean bone in her body. I can understand why sewhappy took it wrong but I hope she reads this and realizes the post was not meant that way. Linda is right...it is sometimes hard to pick up on how a person means something when you can't see them. I believe that everyone here is hoping and praying things work out well for sewhappy. She is stuck in a miserable situation and we all want the best for her.

Come back sewhappy!

[Daisy2018]

Dear Sew...

My heart goes out to you and to her in this situation. I lost a son and found it difficult to face a world that was still going on as normal. I found much comfort and guidance in my faith, years later I realize that it really helped me channel my anger, of which everyone who loses someone feels in some way.

Your coworker has way too much anger to be working productively, and of course a target is usually found for anger....That said, transfering is probably the best thing for a situation where the boss isn't really addressing the issues...but I seriously doubt that this will help your coworker, the problem won't go away easily. Your boss will continue to have issues until they are addressed in a constructive manner. I hope and pray for forward progress in the situation..

[Guest Linda S]

Aw Patty - I understand that it was easy to read that wrong, but I agree with the others, Shana doesn't have a mean bone in her body. You are stressed out from being put in this horrible place by your co-worker and I totally understand your reaction. Maybe going to Linda's to play and Christmas shop, and see your daughter would be a wonderful thing? I think so. You really need a break.

[Deb2bie]

Yup, Shana doesn't have a mean bone in her body. She was tried to support you, Sewhappy. I imagine you are feeling quite sensitive at this point. YOU are really going thru a lot. So is your coworker but you need to take care of YOU. We are all concerned when "one of us" is hurting, whatever the reason.

Take care and you are in lots of prayers at this time so hang in there and things WILL get better!!!

Hugs,

[francine]

I like Lindas suggestion! You have my prayers.

[mswings]

I also went "ouch "when I first read Shana's post:( But I have never seen her say an unkind word on this forum. I believe she didn't mean it in the way it came across. She is a very positive and sensitive person. I'm sorry you were hurt by her post. If you go back you will see that she consistantly gives great advice. I hope your situation at work gets better soon.

[Anniquilter]

Sew

This work situation is a horrible experience for you to have to deal with. Yes, this other woman is going thru grief - and that can take different periods of time for different people. However, it's you we are mostly concerned for and you that you have to look out for. I hope and am praying you get this transfer as soon as possible and get your life back on an even keel. Sending lots of prayers for you.

Will say some for her too. She obviously needs help & is not getting it at work.

Hope you get good news very soon. Hugs.

[JustSewSimple]

Can you tell us how she can blame a corner for a death? Or was it the corner's ruling of the death that she is dealing with? I was just trying to figure this out and it is beyond me as to why she is mad with you and your family.?.?.?

[kerileann]

My heart breaks for you. It is so hard when you feel trapped by what you 'should do' (what you think or are told by others should be your response in a situation).

Listen to your gut, your inner voice. This is your spirit, the core of your being.

Your coworker needs a lot of grace in this season, but that does not excuse her abusive patterns. She is still responsible and accountable for herself as are we all. I have come out of a couple of very painful and messy years myself which were entangled with grief in the family. I have been helped by a counselor myself. We all need to be heard and understood on some level. It is likely that she is looking for this in the wrong place. We need help walking through the deep valleys.

As for her hostility and anger, well..... that is a guardian emotion. So much easier to deal with, and protects us from all of the other emotions that we are not ready to face. If she stays focused on the anger she can avoid being flooded by all of the pain. A pain so vast and consuming. The betrayal of losing a child. All of the questions that arise about God's goodness. The abandonment. It's so big, and will touch on every historic area within that is not yet healed. The anger is a coping mechanism. A way to get by. To stay in control.

As for you, I commend you for taking action already. Not liking conflict is natural (I historically hate it, but am getting better with it), but being passive will not gain you anything. You can only carry your own authority if you are willing to be responsible for yourself. And this includes standing up for yourself. If you don't value you enough to stand up for yourself, then whose gonna. You are responsible to take care of your needs. If you are in an unhealthy environment, then you need to decide how to get yourself into a healthy environment. (could be you transferring or could be her transferring or could be her taking temporary leave or you taking temporary leave or any number of other options) Be aware though that standing up for yourself and carrying your own authority does not include treading on others. That will only perpetuate the vicious cycle. (humans are so prone to repaying a blow for a blow, the outcome is devastating)

You are not responsible for her, and are clearly in no position to help her at this time based on where she is at. The Lord will place the people she needs to get through this when she is ready to walk through it. Legally you have a right to a safe workplace.

You are worthy of a productive and healthy work environment. You deserve to be treated with respect. I am so sorry for the pain you have endured and for the slander that has been directed at you and your loved ones. And then to be betrayed when you do speak up. And to not have your voice truly heard. Knowing that lies are being believed instead of truth. It's so disheartening. It's painful. My heart breaks for you.

I am sorry for her loss. And I am sorry for your loss too (you have lost your work environment to this situation). You need to be your advocate in this, however that may look for you (it is up to you to decide that). Blessings and prayers for this difficult time.

[RitaR]

sewhappy, prayers and hugs for the best outcome for you, and for her growth.

Our Lord does not give us problems we can't handle, when we let Him: Sounds like she needs to face the problem in herself and go from there. We know you deserve and need a change, be it there or somewhere else.

Our son died in 1995, so pain is always there, easier to live thru, and I only say God Bless Terry and God Bless the third person in the circle.. in this case, you. Hurt gets better also, it never goes away, just gets easier..

Hugs and God Bless,