IQ'd Posted May 31, 2009 Report Share Posted May 31, 2009 I guess I just need to vent and tell you all what is happening with me. My husband, Les, died over two years ago (can't believe it has been that long in some ways-but seems like forever since he left). He died at home after over a ten year battle with cancer, with our DD, myself, his mother and sister by his side. I am missing him so much because on May 25th would have been our 37th wedding anniversary and on May 27th would have been his 55th birthday. We met in 1970, married and had our DD in 1972, we were both very young. Our marriage was great most of the time but I know I could have made his life alot better had I known then what I know now. Oh how I wish I could have a do over! Although I got to tell him how sorry I was and that I loved him and told him goodbye I am filled with so much regret. Thank all of you so much for being here to vent to! I really don't want sympathy-it's just something on my mind almost every minute of every day. Thanks for listening....................... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quilting Heidi Posted May 31, 2009 Report Share Posted May 31, 2009 Julia, Sometimes we all just need to get things off our chest! I'm sorry you are missing hubby and I'm sure he knew how much you loved him! Here is a giant (((((((hug))))))) from me to you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dnice Posted May 31, 2009 Report Share Posted May 31, 2009 Julia, Sometimes it is best to get things out.We all need to vent. I understand very well. My DH family has a history of all males not making it to the 6oth birthday. My DH is 62 and just started collecting SS. I thank the Lord every day that I have this time with him. You are in my prayers for extra strength and to know that he is still loving you at this time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KathG Posted May 31, 2009 Report Share Posted May 31, 2009 Julia I totaly understand, and its ok to vent. I lost my DH in the Janauary of 2006. He was only 54 and was working thousands of miles away, and died suddenly. Like you I wish I could do it all over again. I have many regrets, and know I gave him many a head ache, I say sorry to him everynight before I go to sleep. But like my DH I am sure your DH new how much you loved him, and would want you to be happy. I found the second year pretty bad. everyone told me that is because there is so much going on in the first year, that the true grieving process has not kicked in. I still miss my Kev terribly always will, but now at last I can talk about him with out bursting into tears all the time, and the kids and me can now smile at some of his antics. So do not be so hard on yourself. it takes along time to come to terms with losing a partner. If you need to yell do so. Or come to the forum to chat with your friends, who will always be here to listen, when you need it. I am not great with putting my thoughts on paper, but I hope this helps a little. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jmcclannan Posted May 31, 2009 Report Share Posted May 31, 2009 Julia, I can feel your heartache and I am so sorry for this tough time you're going through. Nobody has a perfect marriage and I'm sure we all would have some regrets in your position, but don't beat yourself up. Your good memories are the treasures to store up and clean out that dark closet of regrets. (((hug))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DB Posted May 31, 2009 Report Share Posted May 31, 2009 Julia, I know what you're going through. I know you hate hearing that. I lost my husband to cancer almost 4 years ago. In many ways the second year was worse than the 1st. It does give you a little different perspective on what's important in life and what isn't. I remember sitting in the Oncologist's office and listening to him tell my husband his diagnosis and thinking "OMG, he's not going to live long enough to see his oldest son graduate High School" and dreading the thought that I would be sitting there alone. Next Sunday my oldest son graduates, a day of mixed emotions for me. My kids were 10, 12, 14 when they lost their dad. I never imagined that I would be here, a single parent raising three boys. Would I go back and change things if I could, absolutely, but I can't and neither can you. You can only go forward and maybe change the way you handle things now. I attend a group for people who have lost their spouses, ages 30's to 70's it's amazing to me how everyone has very similar experiences and emotions as they travel down their paths working throught their grief. One thing that really helped me, believe it or not, was this chat site. It was an escape to something that I always loved and is here 24hrs/day for those nights when I couldn't sleep. Julia, If I can manage to get a U2U through, I always have trouble with that, I'll send you my home phone number. Please know that you have some one to lean on who has been in your shoes. I know how those anniverseries are. They are all I think about for the week leading up to them. Hang in there. Dianne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MarieBrewer Posted May 31, 2009 Report Share Posted May 31, 2009 Julia, I lost my first husband when I was 21. I would look at married people and say, "I will always be kind and loving if I get a second chance." That's not reality. I have been married for 39 years now and have had many speed bumps in the road. Don't look back w/regrets. In your mind you can appreciate everything about your DH but the reality is that he was not perfect and neither are you. I would miss my DH terribly if he were to pass but I would not look back w/regret. We have been good to/for each other and we have been bad to/for each other. That's reality. I don't mean to sound uncaring, it's just that once in awhile we need to be perfectly honest. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IQ'd Posted May 31, 2009 Author Report Share Posted May 31, 2009 No, I know there are alot of people out there that have similar, if not worse stories than mine. I got to be with him 37 years from the time we met-we were 16-so there isn't much in life that doesn't have memories of him in them. We did have kind of a rocky relationship but we perservered and beat the odds of being married when we were both 17 and never got divorced. In fact our DD said that just the other day-she thanked me for never putting her through that particular he**. I am blessed in so many ways-our DD was 35 when her dad passed and while not out of the house (she is disabled due to cancer when she was 11) he got to see her grow up and she got to be with him when he passed. We did have to move the summer after he passed, then I found a new job, then I got laid off, then Memorial day came and besides the fact of the anniversary and birthday-he was retired Army-listening to Taps on what would have been our 37th anniversary was hard-as it was during his memorial. Right now though I live next to the best sister and bil anyone could have, and I have four other brothers and sisters that I am close to. I always say, life could be better but it could always be sooooo much worse. I just need to remember that along with all the good things in the past. Thanks again for listening.......................... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IQ'd Posted May 31, 2009 Author Report Share Posted May 31, 2009 Marie, Thank you for your true thoughts. I know what you say is very true-he wasn't perfect and neither was I. I guess you always think you could have done better but that probably isn't reality either. You did not sound uncaring-just speaking the truth and I took no offense where none was intended. Sometimes we need a dose of reality to help us out of the pity party we throw ourselves-and as long as I don't do it too often or for tooo long I think it's ok. In fact I am doing so much better than I thought I would when anticipating his death. Life goes on whether or not we want it to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beachside Quilter Posted May 31, 2009 Report Share Posted May 31, 2009 Julia: Your husband was blessed to have you by his side for so many years! Remember all the times you had together, the good and the not so good...they are all the memories you shared in a lifetime together, and each has its place in your life. Give yourself a big hug from me, and i hope that time helps you think about the good times far more than any regrets. Vickie Oliver Beachside Quilter Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beachside Quilter Posted May 31, 2009 Report Share Posted May 31, 2009 Kath G: So sorry for your loss, also. Time helps heal the sharpness of the pain, but never the sweetness of the wonderful memories. Hugs to you from me, Vickie Oliver Beachside Quilter Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SandraC Posted May 31, 2009 Report Share Posted May 31, 2009 Julia, Must be something going around!! I am having a hard time this past week, too. I don't know what set it off but am finding it hard to pull myself out of the doldrums. At my husband's funeral service there was a nice part where the minister reminded us of how much Greg liked nature and hawks, and when we would see a hawk we could think of him. Well, the other day was prom day for my youngest and while we were all taking pictures of all the kids together in their formal wear...I noticed the biggest red-tail hawk swooping and swirling around overhead. Got me choked up a bit, but then I made myself take comfort in the beautiful bird. I'm surprised that after a year and a half that I still find it hard to believe that he won't be driving up any minute. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimmiequilts Posted May 31, 2009 Report Share Posted May 31, 2009 Hugs to you all, I've still got my DH, he's got PD and that will never change, life throws us curve balls all the time. Forgive your self and remember the love that you had that lasted for so long. I try harder to be a better wife and partner and with all that you've shared I will try even harder. I can't imagine the holes in your life when you lose someone that you love, prayers to you all for your strength. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boni Posted May 31, 2009 Report Share Posted May 31, 2009 I always say, life could be better but it could always be sooooo much worse. I just need to remember that along with all the good things in the past. Thanks again for listening.......................... Julia, Thank you for "venting" here. I have learned so much from the threads on this forum--about quilting, about people, and especially about losing a spouse. My father-in-law died of cancer after living what he thought was a clean life. No smoking, no alcohol, exercise etc. He went through a very angry period of denial. After he finally accepted his illness, he lived for four years, left 2 yr. old twins (sperm bank) at the age of 78, and passed away peacefully in his sleep. (His second wife was half his age.) I said all that to say that DH and I are prepared for the possibility that he may develop cancer the older he gets. He already has pre-cancerous skin lesions that we are monitoring. He's young--56. We try to live everyday to the fullest. We tell each other often how much we love one another and we try never to go to bed angry. We didn't learn that until our youngest daughter left home four years ago. I can't take away your regrets, and I can't put myself in your place. But your story may help one of us on this forum to stop and think about our own situation and make changes to prevent regrets in our lives. I pray God will help you to see reality and the truth, and comfort your soul. May you find peace in the remainder of the days HE blesses you with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KathG Posted May 31, 2009 Report Share Posted May 31, 2009 I would like to share this verse that my sister in law sent me when I was feeling low It is for all of you that have lost someone close to you in your life. "Feel no guilt in laughter, They know how much you care Feel no sorrow in a smile that there not there to share. You must not grieve forever, they wouldn't want you to. They would hope that you would carry on, the way you always do. So talk about the good times, and the ways you showed you cared The days you spent together, all the happiness you shared Let memories surround you, but let them not be sad Remember all the fun times, the happiness you had A word someone may say Will suddenly recapture a time, an hour, a day That brings them back clearly as though they were standing here and fills you with the feeling that they are always near For if you keep these moments, you will never part And they will live forever, locked safe within your heart. " Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sandra Darlington Posted June 1, 2009 Report Share Posted June 1, 2009 Hugs to all my sisters out there. We have all lost someone we love, whether it was a Mother, Father, husband, son, daughter, or even a grandchild. It is helpful to know we can share our feelings with our friends on this chat and can emotionally feel the hugs and prayers that are sent our way whenever we ask for them, or need them, is wonderful. So, I'm sending lots more hugs to everyone who needs one tonight. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daisy2018 Posted June 1, 2009 Report Share Posted June 1, 2009 Dear Julia:and anyone feeling this way, I'm very sure you have heard the words "there isn't any timetable to grief".It's easy to beat yourself up, telling yourself it is taking too long to get on in life, but life certainly isn't smooth or predictable. Every one has different ways and time to recover their life. Sometimes I would feel the most grief when the weather was really nice, and I had a small (gulp) pity moment. I would realize shortly after that I was sad that we weren't sharing the good times, and be wistful for those times again. I was helped most by a compasionate friends group, where we could share without ever feeling like we were being judged. I think this forum is really a good one in this respect. Once you tell some one, it gets easier to be less angry and hard on yourself. I really like to believe most people do the best they can , at the time they are in. No going back, just try forward one day at a time. Be especially nice to yourself, you surely deserve it, and life always finds a way. Sit in the warm spring sunshine, take a fresh look at the stars right after sunset when the air is still, smell a newly opened rose, look at little kids in the sprinklers (diamonds!) Think of all the people you know who love you and whom you love, rejoice the best you can, tomorrow will come with a smile. I'll be thinking of this thread tonight, special prayers for all of the lonely and those missing someone precious. Take care, Pat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
seakitten Posted June 1, 2009 Report Share Posted June 1, 2009 I have been feeling a lot like that today also. It is a great comfort to have this group, and to know that we can share anything here, and the others will understand and take it seriously. I have truly never found a more supportive group. It's good to know that you're all great quilters, too! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bonnie Posted June 1, 2009 Report Share Posted June 1, 2009 Julia...I know you referred to it as VENTING....I don't when you have something like this eating at you and you come here to vent as you say....I don't think of it that way. I think of it as a healing process. We each may have not walked in your shoes, but we know how we would feel, and as scary as that seems, we also know that there is someone here that can make us smile or life our day or just give us the kick in the BOOT to get us over that next hump, be it a day of depression or knowing we have an anniversary to face. I so send you huge hugs.... If you need us reach out someone is always here, and we are a sisterhood who not only quilts together, but we do care for each other. chin up...tomorrow will be a better day I promise. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
meg_marsh Posted June 1, 2009 Report Share Posted June 1, 2009 Julia, So many kind and truthful thoughts have been shared. In the end, none of us are spared - venting as you put it was not venting at all .......... just sharing. Grief is so strange. Grief is just another response for caring/loving those we have lost. There are many stages and many aspects of grief - we deal with these aspects and stages in very personal ways. The fact that you are sharing so honestly is so healthy - it is just part of the grieving process. Do not regret what you can not change - instead rejoice in the love the two of you had no matter how rocky. I am sure he knows and will greet you with love when you are rejoined again. Keep sharing .......... sending hugs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LeeAnn Posted June 1, 2009 Report Share Posted June 1, 2009 Julia, We all love you and apppreciate you feeling comfortable enough to "vent" here. Here is another big HUG for you as you pass another anniversary. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IQ'd Posted June 1, 2009 Author Report Share Posted June 1, 2009 So much love out there--------I feel it and I thank you all for it. I know that when my DD was going through her cancer treatments (mid 80's) we had a group of families all with children with catastrophic diseases and it helped so much to come together and share. Helping others does help ourselves and is so healing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IQ'd Posted June 1, 2009 Author Report Share Posted June 1, 2009 Here is a pic of Les and our DD Jennifer-he took her to a Christmas ball... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IQ'd Posted June 1, 2009 Author Report Share Posted June 1, 2009 last one taken Jan 2000 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boni Posted June 1, 2009 Report Share Posted June 1, 2009 Beautiful! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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