sewhappy Posted December 2, 2011 Report Share Posted December 2, 2011 I am at a loss-I would like to ask for prayers for me but in my heart I know there are those that need it more. I have applied for a transfer at work due to my co-worker. Long story short she has been thru a terrible tragedy I realize that but she has made my job unbearable! I know she holds this tradgey as somehow my fault (My husband was the Coroner in her sons death case) She is unable to get that he was simply doing his job but she holds this against me! To make the entire thing even worse is that she is LYING about me & no one will stop it as "We all know what she has been through & she just is'nt thinking straight" I spoke with my boss about what is going on when is first started to become a problem. She seemed to understand that this annomosity towards me and the constant negative & depressing disscussion of the events of the day & the derrogatory comments about my husband and his job 8 hrs a day 4-5 days a week for months on end makes it EXTREMLY difficult to do my job & now hers as well as she spends the entire day telling everyone everything over & over again. If they don't ask her how she is doing she will get up from the desk follow them & tell them . when boss came back to me after addressing the problem with co-worker her demeaner changed- The co-worker started crying then boss gave in. "No one knows how she feels & she is going to have bad days occasionally & we all need to help her through this-" she told the boss that she is doing everything & that I am insensitive to what she is going through-& no she doesnt talk about it much at all!! LIES!!!I am the one that sits next to her all day-Everyone else avoids our desks because of what she is going through-so no one else hears it all day!!!! Every day!!! Now I am not a cold hearted person through all of this I feel terrible for her & the entire family.-I truly cannot imagine the pain she is in & the whole thing is soo very sad. But this has been going on for over 6+months now-It is increasingly more difficult to hold my tongue.I am not saying when someone is suppose to "get over something like this I really do'nt think you ever get over it-What I am saying is it does'nt belong in the workplace every day!! She has started to see a counsler,now she comes back from her sessions and tells everyone what she talked about! I hope to hear about the transfer soon-I truly don't see any other way. I hope she can find peace somehow, someway-I just cannot take it any more!! Please cross your fingers for me!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kay Anderson Posted December 2, 2011 Report Share Posted December 2, 2011 I do understand how this is impacting you. I will pray for a resoluction for you both. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sewhappy Posted December 2, 2011 Author Report Share Posted December 2, 2011 I realize that this may sound selfish to some & you dont how difficult this would be do go through every day but I feel the transfer would bennifit her as well-She would not be seeing that day every time she looks at me! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MtnBarb Posted December 2, 2011 Report Share Posted December 2, 2011 It's never selfish to ask for prayers for yourself. There are times when it seems like yours aren't being heard so many voices will make a chorus. I pray for you and your coworker both. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sewhappy Posted December 2, 2011 Author Report Share Posted December 2, 2011 Thank you I appriciate that more than you will ever know!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
quiltmonkey Posted December 2, 2011 Report Share Posted December 2, 2011 The coworker that is grieving needs to take a break from work. She is the one that needs to go not you. Really, she needs a long vacation. She can take family medical leave to help find her peace. She needs to speak regularly with a therapist to deal with her grief. She needs to take a break from work. What she is doing to you and all of the coworkers is detrimental to the operation of the business. I hope your boss steps up to the plate and takes charge here, rather than allow the employee run rampant and create more damage. I am sorry she lost her son. She needs to take a breather away on a quiet place to get her perspetive again. She needs guidance, counseling, and peace. She needs time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quilting Heidi Posted December 2, 2011 Report Share Posted December 2, 2011 Prayers for you and for her. You are not a selfish person. HOpefully she will learn to deal with her grief and realize it is her grief that is taking it out on you. She obviously needs somebody to blame and I'm sorry she has decided it is you. I'm sure that is very stressful. Your boss should have handled this much differntly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Linda S Posted December 2, 2011 Report Share Posted December 2, 2011 I will send all the healing vibes I can muster for both you and her. I lost a friend after she had been through a tragedy, because she was not thinking straight and blew all sorts of things out of proportion. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bekah Posted December 2, 2011 Report Share Posted December 2, 2011 I am so sorry that you are bearing the brunt of her grief. Anger is a natural part of the grieving process but it is not fair you should be on the receiving end. I agree with Shana in that she needs to take some time away from work. I can only imagine what you must go through every morning thinking about the day to come. I certainly will add my prayers for both of you and for wisdom for your boss. I am glad you felt safe enough here to share your prayer need. We are, after all, a big family and that is what families do, be there for one another. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anita Posted December 2, 2011 Report Share Posted December 2, 2011 So many words of wisdom here...you're not being selfish. I'm so sorry you're going through this. What a difficult position for you to be in. She needs to take the time off, but may fear taking it in this economy. Or she may, like I did when my nephew committed suicide, feel like getting back to "normal" would help heal faster...it doesn't. Coworkers aren't counselors and don't always have the right words. Prayers for you both. Anita Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LauraJ Posted December 2, 2011 Report Share Posted December 2, 2011 Shana has the perfect advice. But.....your boss is the one who has to recommend she take a family leave. May you find strength and patience to get through your day. Prayers for both of you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DoryJM Posted December 2, 2011 Report Share Posted December 2, 2011 My family went through almost this exact same thing when my four-year old niece died in 1978. My sister, her mom, could not handle the grief. She and her husband divorced because she wanted to talk about it constantly, he wanted to try to move on. They would go to dinner with friends who would talk about everyday issues; she thought it was stupid that they even mentioned their issues since her daughter was dead. After divorcing her husband, she alienated our mom, my other sister and myself. She even left her other children behind and moved away. She spent several years going to school and, after all this time, in the last 10 years has finally come to grips with everything. It took many years of counselling and she actually turned that into a profession. She has her MSW and deals with people who are dealing with death and/or dying themselves. My point, is that it took a long time. Shana's right, it is her issue, not yours. However, people have a really tough time dealing with death. This woman would really benefit from leave and intense counselling, but my guess is she has no one else in her life to talk to so she's using everyone she can for a sounding board. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cblevins Posted December 2, 2011 Report Share Posted December 2, 2011 When my first husband died at 41 I was angry with everyone. I knew it didn't make any sense but I couldn't help it. The anger was easier to deal with than the pain. It took a very long time to come to terms with it. I hurt a lot of people before I started to heal. You are not being selfish and I don't believe she is behaving this way on purpose. It is almost unbearable to see life go on when you feel like yours has stopped. There aren't any magic words to help her move on. Everyone deals with grief differently and she will eventually find her way. Taking time off would be wonderful but I know I wasn't able to afford doing that. I will pray for both of you. She will likely be much better satisfied if you don't see each other constantly and you need to be away from this for your own peace of mind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Della Posted December 2, 2011 Report Share Posted December 2, 2011 So sorry you are having to go through all this! Also sorry for your co-workers' loss. Will keep you both in prayer!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DB Posted December 2, 2011 Report Share Posted December 2, 2011 I am so sorry that your husband is somehow being blamed for this tragedy and that you have to listen to it. Six months might have passed in our world but time has stopped in hers. It could be years before she starts to process the events leading to her son's death. This woman needs to vent, she needs professional help. I can't imagine the pain in losing a child, it just shouldn't happen. This is such a blow to the way things should be that anything else pales in importance. That being said unless you or your husband (I know you didn't) caused this loss you shouldn't be the brunt of her blaming someone. I wish you both luck in the healing process. You need to be able to go into work and function with a clear mind and she needs to be able to start processing her loss in a healthier way, what ever way she can to move forward. He's not coming back. Dianne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ffq-lar Posted December 2, 2011 Report Share Posted December 2, 2011 I will step outside all the tragedy and drama (although I feel deep sympathy for your co-worker and the terrible thing that has impacted her so dramatically) Whew.... YOU are owed and must ask for a drama-free work environment. Every company has an HR department to advocate for workers who have serious problems at work. They are mandated to address every issue to protect the company from loss. It is actually a loss-prevention department so someone who is sexually harrassed, lied about, or impacted by other's unreasonable actions will not take the final step to hire a lawyer and SUE because they feel unsafe at work. Whew again! Get a recorder of some sort and keep it very obviously displayed on your desk. Contact HR and tell them you are recording EVERYTHING that is said in your vicinity and post a sign on your desk that states this fact. And then DO IT. Record all vindictive comments. This will force HR to deal with the situation. You aren't able to transfer her or require her to get more counseling, but a talk with HR might do a world of good. I have been in situations and also offered counseling to others and the key is documentation. Start a journal and make copies of every day's situations and drama. Drop off copies to your immediate boss and copy to HR-- EVERY DAY. Though this may seem harsh, it will force the company to deal with her and take the pressure off you. You have rights and don't deserve to have your health ruined or quit your job because of this tragedy. Off the soapbox now..... You have my fervent hopes for a good outcome. Crazy is contagious--and she is not in her right mind now, as unkind as this sounds. But she doesn't get to make everyone else crazy too...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SandraC Posted December 2, 2011 Report Share Posted December 2, 2011 What an extremely wise group we are a part of! We are so lucky to be able to come here in a time of need, sorrow, happiness, etc... I can only add my prayers, as well, for both of you. And, good on you, Linda Rech!....maybe harsh, but very good advice! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
o2b Quilting Posted December 2, 2011 Report Share Posted December 2, 2011 Prayers...everyone else has the great advice!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pam.Nagle Posted December 2, 2011 Report Share Posted December 2, 2011 Does your company have an EAP program? This is defintely a hostile environmeent. She needs counseling badly and your boss is just exacerbating the issue by not doing anything. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sewhappy Posted December 2, 2011 Author Report Share Posted December 2, 2011 Yes its all wonderfull advice! My problem is she & the boss go back for 7+ years-boss believes her-I have only been there over 1 year. Told the boss that I don't talk about missing son or dght in college as I WILL be able to see them for Christmass and such & co-worker will NEVER see her son again! If I were really insensitive to her situation I would have talked about the Thanksgiving holiday & how difficult it was for me not being with my dght-but I didnt out of respect for what she is going through! I worked on my day off so she could take off the day that WOULD have been her son's 6th wedding anniversary-It was MY 22nd wedding anniversary! She told boss that I am not a team player & when she told me to do something I told her no she could do it- Out & out LIE!!!! I have never spoken to anyone that way!! I told boss if I were not a "team Player" signs of that would have shown up long before all of this happened! Boss appears to see what I was going through then once she talks with co-worker the tears start and then I am the bad guy again because I am voicing my concerns when she is going thru the worse time in her life!! The day I was told I do not play my music loud enough for her to hear it & I that it is so terrible that I take it with me when I go lunch I knew I am fighting a loosing battle! 1st of all the music thing is redicullis! She could have @ any time ask me to turn it up-she never did 2nd IT IS MY CELL PHONE!!!! I played Pandora on my phone & yes I take my phone when I go to lunch!! I text my family & play words with friends during MY LUNCH BREAK!!!! I hope I get this transfer!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibbyG Posted December 2, 2011 Report Share Posted December 2, 2011 I can see both sides of this situation, but in her grief she's blaming you. That constant criticism is not fair to you. I'd ask for a meeting with your supervisor and her. At that meeting I'd take in the recordings you made so she can hear exactly what she's saying and how it sounds. Hopefully she will be to start to heal or agree to transfer. You shouldn't have to leave your job because essentially she's harrassing you and we have laws about that in the workplace. My thoughts and prayers are with you that you'll be able to find some peace soon. Hopefully, your coworker will too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sewhappy Posted December 2, 2011 Author Report Share Posted December 2, 2011 Forgot to say yes I have been to HR thats how I found out about being able to transfer! But the longer this goes on the more tears she cries while talking about everything the more people see me as cold hearted! She has been talking about how she is not suppose to talk about it! Then denies it!! ARRGGHHH Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
appr216 Posted December 2, 2011 Report Share Posted December 2, 2011 Prayers for you and your co-worker. Hugs for all, Judi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DL Semmens Posted December 2, 2011 Report Share Posted December 2, 2011 Linda is absolutely correct! I use to be a manager at the Postal Service, and by law you are entitled to work in a non hostile work enviroment. AND if the company does not provide that once you have notified them of the problem, they are opening themselves up for civil action. I realize that you don't want to cause additional stress, but you need to think about yourself, and protect yourself. Do you have a family attorney? I'm not saying to contact him yet, but I do want you to name drop his name when you talk to HR. When you schedule your meeting with HR, ask to have your boss present also. Tell them that you consider the current work enviroment hostile. That the constant verbal attacks on you and your family is causing you to be unable to work effiencetly (SP). And that you expect them to take action to correct the problem, and that should not be you having to transfer, but if that is what you want to do that is okay. Then tell them that on the advise of counsel you will be using a recording device to document your work enviroment, and that you will post that information at your desk. OF course that only means that you might be cornered away from your desk, so make sure to carry one with you also. Also tell them that you have started a journal to document the attacks, and that the journal will document time, place and witnesses to any and all future infractions. Once you use the term Hostile Work Enviroment, HR will understand the gravity of the situation. BTW if you work for a company that has over 50 full time employees.....you could also be entiltled to use FMLA stress leave. Up to 16 weeks in a rolling 52 week calander. If this would have happened at the postal service I would have had to removed the offender from the immediate area, until a long term solution could be achieved. I do feel bad for your coworker, but I also feel bad for you and your fellow coworkers. Please take care of yourself, and follow Linda's advise. Prayers for both of you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DL Semmens Posted December 2, 2011 Report Share Posted December 2, 2011 Shame on HR for suggesting that you transfer! It is time for you to contact your attorney. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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