NQR-Adoption

[MarieBrewer]

As many of you know, my son Ryan & Ashley lost their baby boy last year in January due to SMA. They have started the adoption process and were chosen by a couple in LA. Not final yet tho!!! Anyway, I could tell members of my family were not excited about the event so I asked my sis why today. She said she doesn't know why they are adopting a black baby because there are plenty of parents down there (LA) who would adopt the baby. Re: adoption benefit--if you can't afford to adopt a child you shouldn't do it. A benefit was held to help them out financially. With the help of good friends they are almost at their goal figure. Anyway, I know what I am feeling right now but how should I be feeling and how should I react. I tend to be vindictive when I get hurt but I don't want to exacerbate the problem. She's supposed to come here next mo. for a visit. I want to be in Alaska (any room Shauna) or Africa or Europe or anywhere but here. HELP!!

[ffq-lar]

Dear Marie,

Blessings on you and your son and his wife for spreading love around. That's really what adoption is--taking a leap and daring to love someone outside your "family". The relatives not as close to the situation are allowed opinions, but not allowed into the decision-making process. If your sister's remarks have hurt your feelings, perhaps tell her and let her know such talk is now not welcomed. Or step back from the rest of the family until everything is settled.

Now the "affordability" remark does sting! That was not well-thought-out. Think what would happen if only people who could afford it were allowed to have children! If that was the norm, I might be here, but all four of my younger siblings probably would not!!

If you need a place to stay, July is busy at my house. I have Doodlebug Shannon visiting in July for classes, and my separated-at-birth "sister" Bonnie B and her Gene coming as well. You are welcome to come--I have one couch left!

I am sending a comforting hug to you and a big fat congratulations to your son and DDIL for taking this step!

[DoryJM]

I truly think adoption is a gift, both for the child being adopted and for the parent(s) being brave enough to give their child up. Sounds to me like your sister has issues with the fact that this baby isn't white, which is even more sad than having issues with adoption. This world is such a melting pot now that race isn't even an issue anymore when it comes to adoption or marriage or friends. And that's how it should be. We are all people.

I'm so proud of your son and daughter-in-law for not only adopting another child, but for weathering the storm of losing one. My neice died when she was only four; my sister's marriage didn't survive the loss.

Oh...if you want a place to stay that includes a real bed (no couch necessary), let me know. Of course, you'll have to tend to my 94 yoa mother-in-law while we're gone, but you get the whole place to yourself. It comes complete with a yurt to quilt in....HUGE perk;)

[Quilting Heidi]

Marie,

I'm sorry your sister said those things to you. Here's the deal, no matter what you will always have somebody who doesn't approve or doesn't think it is right. I say, "Pee on them (Rita R's favorite expression)." My family would probably have reacted the same way but you know it isn't even worth being upset about. Life is too short to get too caught up on these things. I know that you, your son & DIL will love a baby who desparately needs it. Money isn't everything either! Unfortunately the adoption process is expensive and I'm glad that there are good people out there to help out with those expenses! Concentrate on getting ready to open your arms and your heart to that precious little baby and everything else will fall into place! If you need a place I have room in NY and you can stay as long as you want! We have lots of shopping nearby so that you can stock up on all those cute little baby things. I'll say an extra prayer that it all works out and that your son & DIL will have the joy of raising a child in their lives! Hugs to you!!!!

[Primitive1]

Marie,

Congratulations on becoming a grandmother! What a blessing and joy this new child will be! I'll keep your situation in my prayers....

[Linda G. Craig]

Marie,

I am so sorry your sister was not thinking when she said those things to you. Sheeesh! Is it possible she might regret those words?

My theory is this, you have to surround yourself with positive, supportive people, that bring warmth and joy to your life. I don't just mean in this case, but in life in general. People can do and think whatever they like, but I don't have to allow these people into my life or that of my loved ones. I think to protect your soon-to-be grandchild you may find it necessary to back away from people who put dark clouds over your your family. Life is tough enough, never mind negativity before a little one even gets here.

Now, I know about adoption. Our son (32) and daughter (28)are adopted, although I do honestly forget that point until someone brings it up. My husband and I have had some pretty dumb things said to us over the years such as, "Oh, I don't believe she's adopted, you two are so close." Huh? Or when my son was a toddler I often called him Booboo, after Yogi and Booboo, as he was such a chubby and cuddly toddler, and I had someone remark, "I wouldn't call him Booboo, as he is someone else's booboo (meaning mistake). There are countless other heartless remarks that I won't repeat here, but it does happen, people just don't think. My brother used to say to me, "Why don't you just reply back, Excuse me? or Why would you say such a thing?" There will be times when people will break your heart with their comments, but it just strengthens my resolve to protect. You can do this and so can your son and DIL. With your love and support for them and their child, and as many extended family and friends of like mind, you and yours will be able to raise a wonderful, happy well-adjusted child -- no matter how that baby comes to be part of your family. I send you the same big (((((Hug)))) that my grown children always ask for, I know it will give you strength too.

My prayers are with you that this adoption goes through as smoothly as possible, and I wish you and yours many, many years of love and happiness with this new babe. Keep us posted on your news.

Linda

[quiltmonkey]

Oh Marie I am so sorry you recieved crass and (not so classy) comments. That baby is a human being that has feelings and very much needs a loving family and it does not matter if it's black white, asian or whatever. That child needs love and to be raised in a safe home from two parents. I am so proud of your kids to take this very brave step. I think that once the baby gets home and the family starts to fall in love with him/her (?) it will not be an issue. Oh and you can come up and visit me any time.

[Bonnie]

Oh Marie...I too am so happy for your son and DDIL....what a blessing for them to be granted this blessiing. In turn I am so sorry about the comments made...sometimes people just don't think whether this is from jealousy or stupidity its always a wonder. Many many huges to you and your family.

[Sandra Darlington]

Hi Marie,

I feel so bad for you and the new parents to be! What thoughtless, mean things have been said by your family. These are people who should be loving and supportive no matter what the situation would be, because they are your family.

Hugs and prayers to you and your son and DIL, and "pooey" to the rest of your family.

Sandy

[meg]

marie -

you have so much to be happy about - try hard not to let those idiotic comments taint it. i bet your sister really regrets saying them.

concentrate on the baby and soon to be parents. surround yourself in supportive people. and ENJOY this time and the gift of family you are all receiving.

i will keep postive thoughts that all things go smoothly!

meg

[witha'K'quilting]

Children are a blessing from the Lord...and an inheritance from Him. Adoption is very special...we get to choose the child to raise...and the commitment is huge. I commend Ryan and Ashley for being willing to adopt a child. You will all be the better for it. Marie...I have no doubts that you will very much love this child and see what a gift he/she is to all of you.

[Gator]

CONGRATS Granny to be!! I agree there's always someone who will say stupid stuff or can't stand to see others happy, etc. I love what Barbra Walters said when her daughter asked her about being adopted, Barbra told her daughter "she wasn't born from her tummy, but was born through her heart." I'm sure her words were written better but I thought it was very touching.

[Gator]

CONGRATS Granny to be!! I agree there's always someone who will say stupid stuff or can't stand to see others happy, etc. I love what Barbra Walters said when her daughter asked her about being adopted, Barbra told her daughter "she wasn't born from her tummy, but was born through her heart." I'm sure her words were written better but I thought it was very touching.

[mrsbishwit]

Congrats to you and your son & his wife on the adoption, I also agree that all children are God's little miracles, does not matter what color their skin is, we are all part of the human race and all deserving to have parents that love and care for us. As for your sister and some other family members, well lets just say that there will always be some that just can't get beyond their own short commings. Don't give them another thought, they are not worth your time or energy. Focus on the new little one that will soon be calling you grandma and everything else will work itself out.

[mrsbishwit]

Congrats to you and your son & his wife on the adoption, I also agree that all children are God's little miracles, does not matter what color their skin is, we are all part of the human race and all deserving to have parents that love and care for us. As for your sister and some other family members, well lets just say that there will always be some that just can't get beyond their own short commings. Don't give them another thought, they are not worth your time or energy. Focus on the new little one that will soon be calling you grandma and everything else will work itself out.

[MarieBrewer]

Thanks to everyone for your support. This is a safe haven when a person is feeling attacked. I think my husband aptly described members of the family as a bunch of hicks. I'm still stinging today from the conversation and do not intend to share information or pictures with them. OMG!!! Why not be happy when someone is!!! Then again, as I say to my DH and children, if you don't want to hear the answer, don't ask the question!! I am constantly stunned by how much harder it is to get along as a family when we get older. Are we more likely to just tell it like it is and say so what to the outcome or what?

[MarieBrewer]

Thanks to everyone for your support. This is a safe haven when a person is feeling attacked. I think my husband aptly described members of the family as a bunch of hicks. I'm still stinging today from the conversation and do not intend to share information or pictures with them. OMG!!! Why not be happy when someone is!!! Then again, as I say to my DH and children, if you don't want to hear the answer, don't ask the question!! I am constantly stunned by how much harder it is to get along as a family when we get older. Are we more likely to just tell it like it is and say so what to the outcome or what?

[quiltingshirley]

Marie, I thought I'd share our story too. My daughter and son-in-law found out after much trying that they wouldn't be able to have their own children. Their daughters are from what is called "open adoptions". They keep in contact with the birth parents or parent and see each other about once a month. The oldest daughter is a mix of Hispanic and white and will soon be 4. Over the years we've become friendly with all of them. My mother lives near all of us and although elderly is very biased and has had alot to say about "mixed" children, parents, who give up their children, etc. We worked it out early that if she dared to say what we considered offensive to anyone we'd leave whatever we were doing with her, stop talking on the phone, etc. She did come around but I think it was cause she fell in love with her great grandaughter. We all live close and they come by and take her out to eat at a fast food once a week which helped. (She's widowed and lives alone) Now we have another grandaughter who will soon be one. She's also mixed, black and white which caused some initial problems with mother but it's better since she's already gone through the process once before. People tell us when we take the girls to the park how much the little one looks like my husband and the older one looks like my other daughter. Her daughter is blonde, blue eyed and looks more like her sister. Kids are so cute it'll work out. They are most certainly a gift from God. My mother will never change completely and your sister will probably be the same but it'll work out. Feel free to contact me if I can help. (Or if you want Mother for a visit. She can make you feel lucky to be you.) LOL

[quiltingshirley]

Marie, I thought I'd share our story too. My daughter and son-in-law found out after much trying that they wouldn't be able to have their own children. Their daughters are from what is called "open adoptions". They keep in contact with the birth parents or parent and see each other about once a month. The oldest daughter is a mix of Hispanic and white and will soon be 4. Over the years we've become friendly with all of them. My mother lives near all of us and although elderly is very biased and has had alot to say about "mixed" children, parents, who give up their children, etc. We worked it out early that if she dared to say what we considered offensive to anyone we'd leave whatever we were doing with her, stop talking on the phone, etc. She did come around but I think it was cause she fell in love with her great grandaughter. We all live close and they come by and take her out to eat at a fast food once a week which helped. (She's widowed and lives alone) Now we have another grandaughter who will soon be one. She's also mixed, black and white which caused some initial problems with mother but it's better since she's already gone through the process once before. People tell us when we take the girls to the park how much the little one looks like my husband and the older one looks like my other daughter. Her daughter is blonde, blue eyed and looks more like her sister. Kids are so cute it'll work out. They are most certainly a gift from God. My mother will never change completely and your sister will probably be the same but it'll work out. Feel free to contact me if I can help. (Or if you want Mother for a visit. She can make you feel lucky to be you.) LOL

[ffq-lar]

Originally posted by MarieBrewer

I am constantly stunned by how much harder it is to get along as a family when we get older. Are we more likely to just tell it like it is and say so what to the outcome or what?

"As we get older we do not change. We just become more like ourselves."

Sometimes the "filter" that keeps someone from saying hurtful things disappears, and sometimes they just stop caring what others think. It's a shame. Hang in there, share photos of your new dear one (I hope it will happen soon) and remember your family here is behind you.

[ffq-lar]

Originally posted by MarieBrewer

I am constantly stunned by how much harder it is to get along as a family when we get older. Are we more likely to just tell it like it is and say so what to the outcome or what?

"As we get older we do not change. We just become more like ourselves."

Sometimes the "filter" that keeps someone from saying hurtful things disappears, and sometimes they just stop caring what others think. It's a shame. Hang in there, share photos of your new dear one (I hope it will happen soon) and remember your family here is behind you.

[PamelaA]

Marie,

You will be a great grandparent, you already love this soon-to-be-child as a part of your family. Try to ignore the naysayers and just enjoy the new family member. I'll keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. I also send you a lot of (((((HUGS))))) as it sounds as you need them.

Pamela

[PamelaA]

Marie,

You will be a great grandparent, you already love this soon-to-be-child as a part of your family. Try to ignore the naysayers and just enjoy the new family member. I'll keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. I also send you a lot of (((((HUGS))))) as it sounds as you need them.

Pamela

[quiltmonkey]

I forgot this story until now. About 15 years ago, a friend of mine adopted two little girls from China. She and her husband had to fly over to China twice before the adoptions were finalized. As they were growing up and beginning to understand their cultural and heritage differences, my friend explained to the two little girls that she traveled far across the world to find them, and that they are extra special girls because they were chosen from the heart to become her children. :)

[quiltmonkey]

I forgot this story until now. About 15 years ago, a friend of mine adopted two little girls from China. She and her husband had to fly over to China twice before the adoptions were finalized. As they were growing up and beginning to understand their cultural and heritage differences, my friend explained to the two little girls that she traveled far across the world to find them, and that they are extra special girls because they were chosen from the heart to become her children. :)