VENT VENT VENT

[saratogaquilter]

I can't say that I'd trade places with anyone of you who have MIL issues. I'm having enough trouble with my SO's 23 year old, college graduated, unemployed son. Now, before you say that the job market is tough, and I do agree, his degree is in "wellness". Personally I think that translates to "big, dumb jock who wants to play the rest of his life". And I know I'm old school about job hunting. I think you should actively knock on doors and not keep applying on-line. This young man has only had one job in his life and that was one summer working at a greenhouse! What would you think of an applicant with such skinny job history? All he wants is a job at a fitness center. Not here in NE Iowa. He stays up all night and doesn't get out of bed until 2pm or later, then off to work out. He doesn't talk to me like his brothers do, it's like living with a ghost! I get the feeling that he thinks he's entitled to free room and board because his dad divorced his mother. He even invited his "girl friend" over and never said a word to us. I'm of the opinion that he should have at the very least mention it. Nope, she just walked in the door.

Oh I could go on and on and on, but enough. Thanks for letting me "vent". This has been festering for quite a while. For all of you with older parent issues, you will be qualified for "Sainthood". I wish you all well and ((((((HUGS))))) to you!

Sheryl

I just re-read this and I sound like some crazy woman. See what he's done to me!!! AAAACK!!!!

[GrandmaLKB]

I SUPPOSE all of us will be one of those "old people" who insist on doing for ourselves, too. Independence is a hard thing to give up. Our DD keeps telling me that she will remind ME of all the things I complain about with my Mom when I am the 85 year old person!

[sewcrazy4quilting]

Originally posted by VIVIANMABLE

VENT away !!!! Why is that old people think they are invincible and always find the "need" to go out in the worst weather ??? It's like they revert back to childhood when they had no fears of what could happen to them.

I know they do!! I guess they figure if nothing has killed them by now they are probably invincible. Just like kids, they seem to have no sense of mortality leaving all the fretting to the rest of us who love them so dearly. I have a 94 yr old FIL and my dear Grandma is 97 both VERY independent just ask them!!!

[connieb]

Just talked with my 85 year old grandmother yesterday. She lives alone on 200 acres in southern CA, my uncle, her son is close by and stops in everyday to say hi. She kept saying how glad she is that she is a quilter and it's so nice to have something to keep her busy. All we talk about is quilting, mostly piecing as she handquilts all her quilts. She's sharp as a tack and very independent. I hope I can be like her (but with my longarm) when I'm that old.

I wish all of you smoother waters with the in-laws and elders in your lives. My prayers are with you.

[sammi357]

sheryl, That boy needs a time frame. "Uncle Dave" Ramsey has lots of calls like that on his program, and he says that if they're out of work, LOOKING for a job IS their job...8-5, they get UP, get dressed and GO look for a job. Sleeping til two then going to work out, where is he going to find a job doing that? There's always someone hiring pizza dudes...

And, Uncle Dave recommends that they get a sit down with the rules laid out, (get a job and house rules, for example) and a time frame for doing so.

They need to contribute to the running of the household...financially or otherwise... geeze, what was it in that other thread, someones 90+ year old parent was at least dusting, starting the bread or rice for din!

[mountainquilter]

My 33 year old daughter has said to be nice to her because she will pick out the nursing home she will send us too. Ha! My only fear is that my 2 daughters are not quilters and will get a huge dumpster and there goes all my 30 + years of collecting. Not! I will come back and haunt them.

Diana

[QuiltFaerie]

Man, this thread is hitting close to home. My soon to be 85 year old mother lives 3 doors down from me. My parents followed me and I was, at the time, not happy about it.

At least she is close enough to check on. There is no way in heck I would ever have her move in with me. I couldn't take the constant comments regarding my life and what I should be doing differently. One of us would have to go. :-)

I am an only child with two siblings and the only one working full time. At times, I feel very trapped. More so in the winter which is not a good time of year for me.

My grandmothers where 86 and 93 when they passed. My dad was 86. Mom's cousin just went into assisted living, she is 95. Longevity seems to run in this family which is both good and bad news. I would love to move to a warmer climate that won't happen until whatever happens to mom, happens to mom. I am her binky and to uproot her at this point and move her away from her friends would just be flat out selfish on my part.

To be a caregiver is not an easy task, you are all to be commended for your efforts.

[Phyllis]

My in-laws(both 89) live a block away from us and my husband is the lucky one in his family that gets to deal with them on a daily basis. I keep telling him that he needs to learn patience(he has none) and to remember that we, too, will be that old one day all to soon. They have a tough time dealing with all of the changes in life...banking, telephones, t.v.s, medical. They are constantly saying, "But it's never been that way before!" It is so frustrating for them and in turn for my husband.

Like Judi, I, too, tell our kids that I want to apologize now for what we will be like in a few years. But maybe old age is the opportunity for parents to pay their children back for all of the crap that they put their parents through.

[catsigler]

I've always thought I would "take a powder" when I could no longer care for myself. I would not want my children to bear the responsibility for my care. But lately, I've begun to wonder if something happens to our minds when we get old that makes us unable to think rationally about this. I've been pondering the need for long term care insurance, thinking that I don't need it because I plan to be dead before I become a burden to my children, but this thread has changed my thinking on insurance. Thanks to Cheryl for starting the thread, and thanks to everyone who contributed. It should get us all thinking.

[JustSewSimple]

Sheryl, my husband would have long ago changed the lock and broken that boy's plate. There would have been little speaking about it. You either go to a job to work or you finish Mike's list and his list is long and hard - harder than going to a paying job.

when they lived at home they were never allowed to sleep past 7 in the morning. We had chores to do and time "it was awasten!" It is not too late for you but there needs to be an agreement about the rules - who makes them and who follows them. You will sleep much better at night.

[GrandmaLKB]

Gail, I love your comment about being and only child with 2 siblings............same for me..........I am an only child with a brother who is hiding from all responsibilities concerning our parents care. As soon as Dad got sick (Alzheimers), Lee was gone and moved to Minnesota. I've given up on him and pretty much written him off as EVER coming to help out. Oh, he will show up again - when it's time to get his 1/2 of the inheritance. GRRRRRRR....... I am so thankful that Dad planned well and Mom doesn't have to worry about money, but sometimes I wish she would be down to her last dime when she dies just so my "brother" couldn't get anything. :mad:

[Robin]

I hope I'm like my Mom when I grow up (I'm 51 and she is 84). Last fall she had a little bit of an accident driving downtown to see her insurance agent of all things. Jumped the curb and bumped the barber shop building just enough to shatter the big plate glass mirror along the wall(old building, little old town). This smart alec guy made the comment to her "what was your big hurry?" She replied "I wanted to be the first one in the barber chair!" She has and always will have spunk. She has had a great driving record up until then, so that is pretty good for an 84 year old. She was always active and was playing first baseman on the ladies softball league well into her 40's or maybe even 50's if I remember right (it's me that has a touch of dymentia, I think). Mom does pretty good after raising 6 daughters with one bathroom. Anyway, she decided after the driving incident not to drive this winter, but will resume driving in the spring. Pretty cool mom, don't you think?

[elkayr]

As I get older, it gets harder to determine at what point I can no longer do the things I did. Was it yesterday that I was able to lift that heavy box or the day before? Was it yesterday that I was able to remember everything or the day before? Was it yesterday...or the day before? Peace be with you

[Quilting Heidi]

So my fun for the day. MIL took a shower and didn't put the curtain liner in the tub. Then it is my fault because I made her change bathrooms (no longer in my bathroom). Instead of interupting a phone call to say that she had flooded the bathroom she waits because I'm on the phone! Did I mention that the bathroom is on the 2nd floor? Yup down through the ceiling light & ceiling and all over the kitchen too. I'm not mad that she forgot to put the shower curtain in but I am furious that she would sit in the bathroom and not tell me she flooded the place! This is a woman that intrupts me to tell me she is making lunch, going for a nap, getting a glass of water but when there is a flood she shouldn't interupt! Does she know what an emergency is? Calgon take me away!!!!!

[JustSewSimple]

Oh, Heidi, now you have to worry about ceiling stains, mold and mildew. What will you do to get rid of all the moisture between the floors? You know, if MIL had to actually pay for the damages I'll bet she'd be more careful in the future. She sounds a bit passive-agressive. Could she pay to have an appartment added on to your house with just one big room with bath, sofa, TV, bed, and small kitchen. She could only come out when she wanted to be civil.

[LinneaMarie]

OH Heidi!! I feel for ya! That's a REAL problem that she can't discern what is a panic emergency and what is not!!! I'd have her in the Alzheimer's unit, ASAP!

I get frustrated with my mom sometimes because she wants to give me a play by play description of what she had to eat or what the dog did. Like she wanted in so I let her in, then I fed her and let her back out. yea, yea, yea. blah, blah, blah! whatever.

But today she is running the vacuum in my house, so I'll quilt bitchin'! She really is a sweetie. Just has some REALLY old-fashioned ideas. She thinks giving $5/month to the church is "enough" and if she gives my son a $20 bill he'd better kiss her butt cause "that's quite a bit". Uh, no it's not even enough to fill your gas tank. I mean he IS very thankful, but she thinks he should go on and on about it.

I know, we'll be there someday; God willing! Let's hope we learn from their mistakes!!!

Ok, I'm really finished now! Sorry!:o

[Quilting Heidi]

Originally posted by JustSewSimple

She sounds a bit passive-agressive.

A bit? Really she is making me crazy. Everything is like this all day long. THankfully I'm back at work most days. She is mad that I won't let her use my shower anymore. There is no reason why she has to. We have a 2nd bathroom but it is a tub/shower and not a walk in. Well if she can walk up and down the stairs then she can get in and out of the tub. The tub isn't even high. It isn't all about her and sooner or later she'll get the message. My stomach hurts and I'm sure it is just from the frustration. Then she says to me, "Well I won't help clean it up cause I know you don't want me to." Well if she had she would have slipped on the wet floor and then it would have been another trip to the ER. She is really wearing me out. NOw had this dripped on my quilting machine I would have packed her bags. LOL Messing with my kitchen is bad enough but not my quilting machine!

[nineva]

LOL....my DIL (whose darling baby I am in Florida taking care of) said they will just put me in a nursing home with a muzzle on. :D:D

Hey, at least she jokes with me now. That's progress! (It IS a joke, right?):P:P:P:P

[saratogaquilter]

Sylvia, I'm ready to move to Mississippi. Is the house next door to you for sale? The good news is, he had a job interview yesterday!! Don't know how it went though. He must have spent the night with a friend. I guess his Mom, who lives in Des Moines, told him there is a temporary spot available at the school that she works at. Please say a prayer that something works out.

Sammi, in my stupor, I forgot about Uncle Dave. I have some of his books and a few others that he recommended. I'm getting them out a putting them in strategic places.

When Brian and I started dating I told him, in my obvious delirium, that I wanted to get to know his boys. He reminds me of that daily. We had his oldest son and his wife move in with us 3 years ago. They were here for about 15 months. I know there were some tense times but it's a lot like having a baby, you only remember the good ones. They had their first child while they were living here. I really hated to see them go. His next one is a ladies man, trouble from the word go, but he is a real charmer. He will talk to just about anyone. I like that. The oldest one is like that too. You get him on the phone and you can't get him off!! The youngest one......I can't put my finger on it, there's just something about him. He's very quiet, speak when spoken to type. I'm just praying the job thing pays off. We have a horse/car trailer factory here that is hiring, but Daddy doesn't want his baby welding. I think a job in a lousy factory will give him a wake up call! Maybe he will want to do more with his life! Oh, by the way, could you tell by my tone that I work in a factory too?

On the mother/MIL note, I feel very, very sorry for you Heidi. You must be a very strong woman to have put up with this for so long. ((((((HUGS)))))) to you. I remember thinking years ago, that I hope I never have to worry about my mother coming to live with me. She would have driven me crazy!! Now in hind-sight, I'd give anything to have her here. She was one of a kind. "Old too soon, smart too late"!

Ok, enough for now. Gotta get to work! Love you all!!

[QuiltFaerie]

Taking care of an elderly person is hard work. I don't care how you slice or dice it. It takes one heck of a lot of patience and maybe some happy pills on really really bad days.

Robin, I wish my mom was like your mother. She sounds like a blast. Mine has been a cream puff her entire life and never had to make any really difficult decisions. She quit working when my older sister was born and that was the end of that. When she complains that my dad never would spend money on the house, I asked why, when we were all in school, didn't she get a job to pay for what extras she wanted? Her answer? I liked being home. Then, I tell her, quit complaining, you made your choice.

She is of the age where she went from having her father take care of her every need to having my dad take care of her. Now I have the job and really don't want it but you do what you have to do.

If you met my mom, you would think I am a world class brat. She really isn't disagreeable or a game player, just naive beyond believe. She really is a very nice woman but completely clueless. She cannot even begin to imagine what one of my weeks is like and truthfully, she really doesn't want to know.

Sheryl, my one sister lives 250 miles north. She comes down maybe once a year for a weekend and acts like she deserves a medal for her sacrific. She does call fairly often. My brother, the Village Idiot, also calls. He lives 45 minutes away and god forbid he ever visit. In the 3 years since my dad passed, he has come over maybe once or twice. He sure can call though and ask her for money. Still calls her "mommie". Pretty pathetic for a 51 year old man, don't you think?

Patience is something I need to work on every single day and fail often. I also get a blow by blow replay of her day. It is very hard to listen to and try to care and act interested in. I can usually feel my eyeballs rolling back into my head within minutes of seeing her. I check on her every single day in one form or the other. If I didn't and something happened, I would never forgive myself.

Yup, I probably sound like a lunatic also. I just keep reminding myself of how worse it could be. Some day, my time and life will be my own but not today and not this week.

[Quilting Heidi]

Originally posted by QuiltFaerie

Patience is something I need to work on every single day and fail often. I also get a blow by blow replay of her day. It is very hard to listen to and try to care and act interested in. I can usually feel my eyeballs rolling back into my head within minutes of seeing her. I check on her every single day in one form or the other. If I didn't and something happened, I would never forgive myself.

You make it minutes?My eyes start rolling as soon as I open the door! :P:P:P I call my mom everyday, sometimes twice a day if I know she isn't feeling well. I call her at 10 pm because she is supposed to take her insulin shot then and usually falls asleep. The only problem is that if she hasn't fallen asleep she goes on and on and on and on and I've usually heard the same things before. I think I need to grow a garden of patience!

[Robin]

Oh, Gail and Heidi, God Bless You! I mentioned my Mom and how great she is but I didn't mention my MIL. My husband and I dealt with her in her final years, well actually long before that as we lived close by and my husband's siblings lived far away. But for me, it ended up being the best thing as I really got to know her and understand why she was the way she was. It is hard for people of that generation to adjust after losing their spouse. They did nothing but wait on their husbands and take care of others, that is all they knew. And she had lost her mother at the age of 8 years old and had one older brother, and six younger siblings. They shipped the two babies off to relatives but my MIL pretty much became the mother to the others at 8 years old. Thus, she became in life a very controlling but caring person. All she knew to do was to cook and clean and look after people. She told me once that she got a dolly for Christmas after her mother died and she thought "What would I want with a dolly?" Isn't that sad?

The day with my MIL that I almost lost it (or one of the times) was when I was staying with her at her house as she was afraid to be alone at the time, she asked me to go down to the fruit room and fill up a jar with grape juice about "so high" pointing her finger to the spot on the jar. So, I dutifully went down and put some juice in the jar and brought it back up to her. But, alas it was too full! So, I had to go back down and poor some back out! About that time, my SIL (her daughter) called and told me she was going to the Hollywood Bowl that evening! My nose was quite out of joint that night!

And one thing I know for sure...if I ever worry about my every bowel movement and what time I had one or didn't have one...just shoot me!!

Take care girls and hang in there!

[QuiltFaerie]

Originally posted by Robin

And one thing I know for sure...if I ever worry about my every bowel movement and what time I had one or didn't have one...just shoot me!!

OMG, I have tears coming down my face. Way, way too funny! Just think... Our turn is coming!

[JustSewSimple]

Sheryl, the darling yellow 2 story farm house at the top of the street is for sale. Come on down. The weather will eat you up in the summer and your son can cut yards as that is a booming business here. It is too darned hot in the summer to cut and edge and rake and all that sort of stuff so folks all over pay to have it done. I have known many men to retire and go into the lawn and pool business. We could quilt together!!! Or move on down and leave him there. Either way would be a win win situation!

[Quilting Heidi]

Robin I'm so right there with you. I've already told my kids the first time that our conversation goes down that path to please just put me out of my misery!