family issues/question

[Peggy (SewAsylum)]

I see that this is a safe place to talk.  Here is what is bothering me. I am 58 and have a pain disability. I can't work and  am on disability now. I don't drive much and stay home most of the time to keep the pain tolerable. So I take care of my home and pets, with hubby's help, and I do crafts. I sew, quilt, machine embroider, and make greeting cards. I have a big extended family, siblings, nieces, nephews, great nieces and nephews, etc. I send a homemade card to  EVERYONE in my family, and some friends.  I put embroidery on my cards and gear them to each person. A lot of thought and time goes into each one. I also make the little ones things for Halloween, etc, sometimes.  But I never hear from any of these people. They usually don't answer my occasional email and they don't make many comments on facebook. I never get a thank you or a card from them. They all know I am stuck home.  I know they are all busy raising kids, but it would be nice if one of them said they liked the card, or thanks for the gift. MY kids and grandkids do appreciate my home made things and I continue to make things for them.  I am just thinking about stopping the whole thing for the extended family. It was my way to stay in touch but they are not reciprocating.  It kind of hurts my feelings, afterall, I have known these people their whole life, and changed their diapers when they were babies. I don't have any idea if they like my cards and stuff or think they are dumb. I went to see my nephew's new baby at the hospital and took a set of embroidered burp pads I had made.  They were very soft and very cute.  She put the package on her lap and did not even open it.  Finally someone said, hey, open the gift.  The new mother did not know what they were and said nothing, tho other people commented on them. I wonder if they think I am making this stuff to get attention, which I am not, I enjoy making things for others and for charity. It makes me feel like, even tho I cannot go out and do things to help others, I can make things to help others.  I wonder if I am overreacting.

[quiltmonkey]

I am sorry you are in so much physical pain.

 

Here are my (general) thoughts regarding giving:  You give because it makes YOU feel good.  You don't give because you are expecting something in return (such as email, acknowledgement or a thank you). 

 

It is unfortunate that people don't make an effort to show appreciation, or reciprocate with a thank you note or quick phone call. In all truthfulness, I think you should give these people the benefit of the doubt, rather than think the worst case scenario.  Yes, people are busy. Yes, people are selfish. Yes, people have more important things to worry about. Yes, people don't have very good manners. Yes, people are happy to recieve your hand made and very thoughtful gifts. Yes, people get distracted and tend to forget to thank you. Yes, people are clueless to your feelings. Yes, people most times don't even think about considering your thoughtfulness. Many times, people think "oh that is so cute, I should call her to thank her" and then they forget to call you. It happens. Good intentions go by the wayside.

 

Yes to all of the above.

 

So, that said, you need to do what you want; what makes you feel good in the heart, regardless of whether or not you hear from them. But, if it makes you feel better to stop doing these things, and perhaps focus your energy and gift giving to other people (outside the family) then try that instead.

 

I often make quilts and give them to charity. The people who get my quilts are complete strangers. I never know who gets my quilts. But I know they are used and appreciated. I never hear from them. That's OK. I did it for the right reason, and I did it because I felt the need to do it and it made me feel good to do it. Along the same lines, every year for the past 15 years or so, I have donated $1,000 to a local United Way charity. I don't know who gets the money, but I am glad to give to a charity where it can be used for people in my community who need it. I have no idea who gets this money, and I won't expect a thank you, but I know it's appreciated and that's good enough with me.

 

Maybe you should take a break from the extended family gift giving, and perhaps start giving those things to some of your local charities. You will be surprised how thankful they are for the cute and thoughtful hand made gifts. Do you belong to a quilt guild? You could ask for advice on what agencies might need or enjoy your cute hand made gifts. I can imagine your local hospital might appreciate the cute burp pad cloths for newborn babies? Sometimes the cute things for mothers with babies in NICU (Neonatal intensive care unit) would appreciate something that helps during their scary time.

 

Shana

[Peggy (SewAsylum)]

This is good advice, Shana, and it is not so much that they don't thank me, but that when MY birthday rolls around, or I am sick and in the hospital, I never get a card.  I do give things to charity and the fact that I don't know who gets it makes me feel so good because I know that a perfect stranger is being helped somehow by me. I just can't imagine having an aunt who is home and in pain, and never ever sending her a card or calling her or even answering her emails. I go out of my way to send greetings to people and keep in touch because we are family. I don't understand their indifference, especially since I keep contacting them with cards, and their children. It really hurts.  I have one sister that keeps in touch with me, but that is it.   I think I will stop doing it and focus on charities because it is NOT making me feel good to keep giving to these people. Even tho I am doing it for them, I don't need to be made to feel worse than I already do.  Thanks for listening and responding. I really don't have anyone to talk to about this.

[meg]

No one likes to feel used and unappreciated.

Perhaps a break will get you back to enjoying it.

It's better to give than to receive is only true when giving makes you feel good.

Unfortunately, many of the kids raised by our generation seem to be lacking the most basic manners.

I even see it in my own kids sometimes...(Once I give them a kick, they snap out of it, thank God)

I blame the gadgets of their generation.

No one calls, they text.

Video games and computers have taken a toll on this generation's ability to interact face to face.

These kids work so hard to have 'everything'.

They lose sight of what is really important.

I'm sure our parents felt this way about us, too, although for different reasons.

I know I got pretty self involved while I was in the midst of raising my kids.

I'm hoping time and age will bring wisdom to them, as it did to me.

In the meantime, do what makes you happy.

If it means keeping your tradition of giving, then give.

If its a break from it you need, take a break.

At least you still have your own kids and grands to spoil & appreciate you.

[quiltmonkey]

Be careful!  By your own admission, you are guilty of setting yourself up for disappointment. You are doing this to yourself. Your family is not doing this to you. Think about it!

 

Your high level expectations of other people are set too high. Your own standards and how you do things should never be measured up against the other people in your family. You can't expect everyone to be like you are. You can't set the bar to your level and expect everyone else to live to your level expectations. People are not like that. You have a high level of standards and I admire you for this, but......remember everyone else's level of standards are not yours. So... do not... ever expect everyone else to be like you are. They are not. They will never be. So, if you change your way of thinking, you won't be disappointed any more. Just know that you've set your bar high. You achieve your standards because it MAKES YOU FEEL GOOD!  Don't expect everyone else to have the same level of standards. For sure, their standards are lower ..... or for a better word.... their standards are "different" than yours.  So, change your attitude about that and it will fix everything you are feeling right now.

 

They are not indifferent. They are just DIFFERENT-- Remember that!

 

PS:  Regarding the "birthday" phone calls....... In my opinion, if I get one birthday wish and hug from my husband that is enough for me. I do not need the world or my family showering attention to me on my birthday. A simple, small little celebration (or nothing at all) is really OK with me. See? My level of expectation and standards on my birthday is set very low. And, I'm not disappointed on my birthday... why?  I am HAPPY on my birthday because I am 1) alive and glad to achieve yet another milestone... and 2) I am celebrating thsi day with my husband. Anyone else that happens to be around is icing on the (birthday) cake, so they say...

 

Attitude is everything. Remember that! 

[Peggy (SewAsylum)]

So true, ladies, so true.

[Peggy (SewAsylum)]

Not too sure, tho , about having to lower my standards for everybody. That seems to be the problem with society, everybody has lowered their standards of what we accept from others.  I realize this is not a world crashing issue, but lowering standards doesn 't seem to be right.  I know that I am upset and confused right now so I will sleep on it. Thanks for your advice.

[quiltmonkey]

Oh goodness!  I never said you should lower your standards.  Your standards are AMAZING!  Never ever change who you are!    And, I'm not saying that people need to lower their standards. I am saying that people's standards might not be yours.

 

Please continue to be proud of who you are, and the level of integrity and thoughtfulness that you have is awesome. Never change that.  Just remember, not everyone is as wonderful and good as you are. Their intentions might be..... their desires might be (to be like you) but... indeed they are not you. Continue to be who you are. Keep your bar high. Keep doing what you do. Never change who you are. But never expect others to be like you are. Othewise you will be always setting yourself up for disappointment.

 

Do like I do:  Keep things simple. Pull in. Don't allow external drama into your life. Push out the negativity around you and only surround yourself with hand picked / hand selected people that reflect back on you and make you feel good. Less is more. Keep it simple. Simple. Happy. Easy. You don't have control of everything in this world. Only you have control over the little world in the immediate area surrounding you. Control that area only. Make it sunshine and happy. Everything else (and everyone else) is beyond your control.

 

This is what I do. Life is too short. Make yours the happiest it can be.

[Peggy (SewAsylum)]

I see, thank you. I think I get it.

[WW Quilter]

I once received a bit of wisdom when I really needed it, and I remind myself of it often.

We cannot control what others do, say, feel etc., we can only control how we react to it. If someone does or says something nasty to me, I control whether I react with anger or hurt feelings...or even indifference. I have found it to be very powerful for me to acknowledge my control of my feelings. So, if I find myself thinking someone makes me feel bad, I try to remind myself...I control how I feel..not anyone else.

I am so sorry that you are dealing with pain. Hugs to you!!!!

[Lemon Tree Tami]

I'm sorry that your extended family hasn't thanked you for all the lovely handmade gifts and cards that you send them. If it doesn't feel good to you anymore then concentrate on the people and charities that makes you happy to create gifts.

 

I have a niece who's away at college for the first time this year. I thought that it would be nice to make her pillowcases for her dorm and send one each month. Well, I sent the first one plus her birthday card and money but no response. Then I saw on FB that she was asking for packages or letters because she was lonely. So I made a second one (both in her school mascot fabric) and sent it to her with fingernail polish in the school colors plus a little notebook with Spiderman on it because she LOVES Spidey. Once again, no mention that she received it. I figured a quick FB message or text saying "thanx" would be nice. It turns out that she called my husband but she didn't say whether she liked the pillowcases or not. But I'm not making more because I have no idea if they're wanted or not. Instead I'm working on a quilt for a younger nephew who was interested in the history of quilts. If I find out that my niece liked the packages I'll make something for her again. It may turn out that she'd just prefer cards with money instead.  ;-)

 

Hope you have better pain-free days to make up for all the bad ones.

[chickenscratch]

Give from the heart because you want them to have your love.  Receive whatever they are willing to give back, even if it is just once a year contact. If creating these gifts and cards for them makes you happy, then continue to do that.  Know that they probably do appreciate them, they just might not realize that a thank you or phone call would mean more to you than anything.

 

Now that I've said that I need to call my 80 year old aunt who lost her husband 3 weeks ago.

[Zora]

I would not expect an acknowledgement for a card, no matter how beautiful it is. I would expect an acknowledgement for a gift, such as the burp cloths. I don't think there is any excuse for not sending a quick thank you via Facebook or email. I'd drop them off the gift list and give to those who do appreciate the time and effort. No, you can't control everybody else's reaction to gifts, but you can eliminate this source of irritation from your life. There are worthy causes that would like donated goods to auction or sell during their fundraisers. I'd put my effort and money there instead or partner with a friend in a craft fair..you make the goods, she mans the booth. There are still people who appreciate hand made quality gift items. You will get appreciation (which we all need) and maybe some cash to boot. I don't think you have to apologize for having normal human emotions. (And I wouldn't leave them anything in the will, either!!!)

[Peggy (SewAsylum)]

Thank you for all the good advice. How did you guys get so smart? I think I am going to concentrate more on charities and less on them and I think I will feel better. I don't really expect them to thank me for a card, just to send me one once in awhile. But they just aren't like that.

[Peggy (SewAsylum)]

I would like to say one more quick thing. I am a reg. vet tech tho I don't work anymore. I have 9, yes I said 9, rescued animals in my house. Their pasts were not good. Their present IS good because they live with me. I shower them with love and good food, treats, toys, etc. Talk about appreciation. These animals know they have it good and they really love and appreciate me. I can tell. This truly makes me feel super good because I love animals.

[s.waits]

Petmomful,

Don't feel alone in this. My family is quite often just as bad. I decided a long time ago to do the things I want to do. If they like it, and say so, that's wonderful. If not, they may not get anything next time I'm making stuff. I also decided a long time ago, if I do make something for the nieces, nephews, cousins, etc. I make what I want to make. I don't take orders, I don't try to find out their favorite colors, what they're interested in or whatever. I make what I want that person to have. If they love it and appreciate it, great. If they stick it in a closet and never acknowledge receiving it, that's OK, too. I did it because it was what I wanted to do. I have a nephew for whom I made a quilt a while back. He was over the moon about his quilt. Did he call me to say "Thanks"? No. Did he send me a note, an email, a text or anything else? Nope. I wouldn't have even known he liked it if not for his grandmother. The next time I actually saw him (weeks and weeks later), he got out of the car, gave me a huge hug, and told me how much he loved his quilt. Now granted, he's only 13, but it had apparently never crossed his mind to let me know it.

Just do what makes you happy. Don't expect anything from the recipient. Many folks today just weren't raised the way we were, or if they were, they've forgotten everything Mom taught them!

[Peggy (SewAsylum)]

Sharon, you are right. I wonder why it is so important to me that I am appreciated in this way.  Something to think about I guess. Good advice. Thanks

[Neher-in-law5]

Petmomful,

 

I completely understand what you are feeling.  I am #6 in a family of 8, for 30 + years I have lived within 10-15 miles from #4 a brother on the home place.  During all those years sisters #3 and #5 have called, stopped in and stayed overnight at the brother's.  Never once in all those years did any of the 3 call and say, we are getting together, why don't you come over for a couple hours.  I just went to our family reunion and spent more time talking to the second generation than I did with any of the siblings.  I know if I need something, they will come through, but I'm not on their radar to visit or hang out. 

 

I do make quilts as the wedding gift for all those nieces and nephews and know that they are appreciated, the 2 best thank yous came in an email from one of the nephews and in a comment by his older brother.  I don't make random gifts or other occasion gifts for the full family, we just don't have the time and money for that.  I would encourage you to make the things you like, give to those you want to and if the others realize they haven't gotten the expected gift from you just tell them you have needed to cut down. 

 

Yes, there is a lot of not thanking going on in this society, so make sure you arrange your life to be the things you enjoy and let the others go.  I'm 58 (for a couple more hours) too, I wonder what was in the air that year that families learned to ignore us!

 

I hope things get better for you and this doesn't weigh you down.  I just wanted to let you know that you were not alone.

[cmkeindl1]

Sharon, you are right. I wonder why it is so important to me that I am appreciated in this way.  Something to think about I guess. Good advice. Thanks

 

You want to be remembered, that's o.k.?!  Even though a lot of people don't take the time to send proper thanks or acknowledgement, I bet most of them run across your things and it makes them smile!  But, when you drop some of them off your list - they WILL notice then!

Keep creating and take care of yourself - I really feel for you and your constant pain!

[pumpkinpatchquilter]

Chickenscratch gives really good advice here, in my humble opinion.  If it makes you feel good to give, then give.  If it doesn't make you feel good, then stop giving...and don't feel guilty about it.    It is SO true that no, you cannot change how others treat you...but you can change how you react...and if you just make the decision to put your time and effort where it is appreciated and have no hard feelings about where it isn't then I think you'll be so much happier.  

 

I notice something with being a stay at home Mother - I have the time to analyze things that others do not.  It is hard this day and age to be home...I don't think I have one friend or know one other person who stays home or works from home with their children in my area.  Times have changed!    It can get very lonely...and at times I even find myself being a little resentful.  I say this with love and care and kindness...but I wonder if some of what you might be experiencing is a little over sensitivity because you are home and not only have the time to think about it....stew about it...but also maybe there is a little resentment/depression/frustration with your situation mixed into these hard feelings?  I only say this (and I know it can be hard to hear) because I experience it myself.  I just get too upset over things others do and I truly think it's because they are so busy with their lives they don't realize how they are impacting me....and I don't think they are impacted the same way because they are again, just too busy.  LOL

 

I make a lot of home made gifts but I have a different problem...not only do many enjoy my gifts but I feel often taken advantage of.  I know it's not the sweetest thing to say but I finally had to put my foot down and tell family and certain friends that if they get a gift then I hope they love it but I cannot take special requests because I just don't have the time to make everybody all the things they want.  So it can go both ways!    

 

Please forgive the mother who didn't give you her full self when you gave her gifts in the hospital.  I know that it is hurtful after you put all that time and thought and energy into making something for her baby...but that is just such a crazy hectic time, she may have been overwhelmed by all that was happening and truly not realized that she was hurting your feelings.

 

I am 32 and I think a lot of what you all are talking about here are things people in my generation do!    I just want to say that I get frustrated too and I DO think some of it is generational.  I think it's how we live today...people aren't closely connected the way they once were.  But also - we are busier than ever before and I almost think it's unfair to expect my generation to feel and react the same way those before us did.  Neither of my Grandmothers worked a day in their lives and they were devoted to family and the home.  My generation it's almost as if I am looked upon as lazy because I don't work...even though I some days think I have sacrificed more and work harder than anyone I know for less money or praise!  LOL  

 

It's so hard to live up to everybody's expectations....I feel the pressure and I know I screw up all the time in many peoples eyes.  I rarely send out cards because I honestly find them impersonal...a handmade card is different though...but I do always try to call - email - say thank you or express in some way my appreciation.  I agree I think things are just different nowadays and I think the best thing you can do for those around you and yourself is to live and let live...forgive people their inadequacies because when you expect things from people they will always let you down.  Give for the joy of giving, and if it no longer brings you joy then find something else, you know?  Be easy on people because you really just don't know exactly what is going on in their lives.

 

Good luck and yes always come here when you need to talk or vent!  The people here are always willing to lend an ear and a hug!  

 

- Valerie

 

 

 

 

 

Give from the heart because you want them to have your love.  Receive whatever they are willing to give back, even if it is just once a year contact. If creating these gifts and cards for them makes you happy, then continue to do that.  Know that they probably do appreciate them, they just might not realize that a thank you or phone call would mean more to you than anything.

 

Now that I've said that I need to call my 80 year old aunt who lost her husband 3 weeks ago.

[Quilting Heidi]

Over the years I've decided that I will make homemade gifts for those that appreciate them and not for those that just don't get how much love goes into them.  I find that even though the kids don't always say anything about a special gift when they are little they do remember it as adults and even if they didn't like it they appreciate it and it gives them fond memories.  My view is that you should give what you want and not feel compelled to make a gift, give a donation or anything else that might do for others.  I do it for the pure joy of doing it and don't worry about the rest.  Of course we all want to feel appreciated and our gifts appreciated so if they don't appreciate it then don't do it unless it brings you joy.

[Peggy (SewAsylum)]

Thank you so much for your responses. It is nice to hear from different age groups and family situations. Valerie, I think you hit the nail on the head; I probably do have a lot of frustration mixed in with my feelings. I have days where I am so frustrated that I can't do the things I want that I just sit and cry. It is terribly hard to be in pain 24/7. If I didn't make crafts and sew I would go crazy. I am going to cut back on some of my gift giving. I can tell them, as Madelyn says, I need to cut down, because I do. I will continue to make things for my kids and grandkids. They do appreciate the things I make for them. Your advice, ladies, has really helped me to feel better, so I appreciate it. I wrote down some of your sage words and I am posting them in my craft room to help me remember that I am in charge of my little world, and my own feelings, as Shana, and some others of you have said. People are different today and I can't place my expectations on them.

[newmillie2010]

"Neither of my Grandmothers worked a day in their lives and they were devoted to family and the home."

 

I am assuming that you mean neither Grandmother worked OUTSIDE the home, because you better believe they worked INSIDE the home.  

 

Good topic, great advice ... give with an open hand, no hook (no expectations).  Do what your heart is telling you to do.  

[pumpkinpatchquilter]

I hope that you continued on reading to find that I am also a stay at home mother, just as both of my Grandmothers were.    What I was getting at was that it was the norm for mothers to stay home during that time - where as now it's more common that Mothers work outside of the home.  I wasn't being rude or snarky at all with that comment, just trying to say that things are so much different now.

 

- Valerie

 

 

"Neither of my Grandmothers worked a day in their lives and they were devoted to family and the home."

 

I am assuming that you mean neither Grandmother worked OUTSIDE the home, because you better believe they worked INSIDE the home.  

 

Good topic, great advice ... give with an open hand, no hook (no expectations).  Do what your heart is telling you to do.  

[Peggy (SewAsylum)]

Pumpinpatchquilter, I think everyone got what you meant. I did not think that you sounded mean at all. It is the norm for mom's to work now days. I was a stay at home mom and my daughter is now, too. If I was younger, I would do whatever I could to stay home with my kids. But that is just me. I realize everyone has their feelings on this. But your words were well taken. I feel a little better today, and realize I have been putting my expectations on others. I am going to cut back on all this stuff, and make some things for ME!