Protect yourself (long)

[jeri]

This past year has been a nightmare that isn't quite over yet. I bought my Mille Sept. 2002 one year after marrying my now almost ex husband and opened my business a few months later. I left him last August 29, 2006 (Friday). I had one of my duaghters and a son in law lined up to help me move my things including my quilting machine and supplies out of the house into my mother's house on The following Sunday. He would not let me remove anything--was glad I took my computer on the 29th-- pulled a pistol on me, threats, etc. etc. Needless to say I left without my machine.

I finally recieved a court order on Nov. 17th to enter the house the following day to retrieve just my business equipment. Luckily I took the police with me as he pulled a gun on them. He was arrested and hauled off to jail for several weeks. By then my machine and all my rulers were gone from the house. The table was there, my pantos, thread, some of my records etc. etc. I managed to take those, personal belongings, and items I had prior to my marriage to him.

To make a long story short I finally recieved my machine back 1 month ago and the divorce is still not final and I am still a tenative owner of my machine as it's joint property. I'm hoping it will be final Oct 30th and I will still be the owner of my Millie.

Check with an atty. when setting up your business to see how you can protect your ownership of your machine and supplies in case of a divorce. Each state has different laws.

My atty. here in Missouri wished that I had purchased it with monies that had never been in an account that mingled his money with mine as it was purchased with a work comp settlement that I put into a savings account that he had also contributed to. I was injured prior to our marriage but the settlement was after. She also wished that I had set up an LLC at the time of purchase. If both of those had in effect he could have little or no claim to my machine.

You never know what the future holds.

jeri clark soon to be jeri methe

[MarieBrewer]

Wow. What can a person say. I hope your single life will be filled with many ups. I think you are a lucky person to be able to tell your story!!!

[Sheri Butler]

I think your lucky to be OUT of that relationship Jeri! I am so happy for you that you have your millie back. I'll put you in my prayers.

[quiltmonkey]

Oh Jeri, I am so sorry you had to go through this! What a sad thing all around. Thanks for sharing your story and lesson learned with your ex. I know you are a survivor and you will not only recover from this setback, you will thrive like you never thought you imagine. Women have a way of finding that instinct, I think. Keep your positive thoughts and always dig into your soul to find your center and what you know is the truest truth. One step and one day at a time you will find happiness, security and all your dreams. Please keep us posted on how things pan out. I will keep you in my thoughts. (((hugs)))

PS: Anyone stupid enough to pull a gun on their wife, and then later pull a gun on the police is a stupid freaking idiot. So, with that knowledge, you can use his stupidity to help regain ownership of all of your belongings, no matter if it was filed under "joint" accounts or if it was "sole proprietor" -- and, get yourself the best attorney you can afford and nail that dork to the wall with a major huge staple gun. He deserves it!

Shana

[mrsbishwit]

Jeri, I agree with everything Shana said.

Thank God that you are all right and that you are almost out of that marriage. With that said I do hope and pray that you do get your Millie back...nobody should ever come between a quilter and their long arm. Plus if you haven't done so already, with his violent nature you should take out a restraining order against him.

I'll keep you in my prayers.

(((Hugs)))

[kennan100]

Jeri,

I've followed your posts on this since you started, I'm still praying for you! I went through a similar relationship, someone finally intervened and helped me get away one night. But I watched him beat up my car with a pool cue when he couldn't get to me with it. This was in the late 70's when the police just didn't do much in domestic violence issues. I was very young and it took me a long time to get over, however I have a tendency to react strongly to any kinda of bully to this day. I get a little "Dirty Harry" about it. You'll get your machine back, part of my praying is that's it's in one peice when you do.

[Mary Beth]

PS: Anyone stupid enough to pull a gun on their wife, and then later pull a gun on the police is a stupid freaking idiot.

I love this quote!! Shana, you hold no punches...

Jeri, I too have been following your story from the beginning. I was happy to see you at MQS. I know it has been a very difficult year for you. After October 30th you will be able to get on with your life. I hope you get your machine back and you have happier days ahead. Life is just too short to spend it like that!!

Blessing,

Mary Beth

[tsurich]

Jeri,

Since we have all been "listening" along the way, thank you for telling us that you are on the brink of having your life in order again. Bless you and thank you of thinking of us. My first reaction is not my Tony, but I figure no one would imagine the man we are marrying would change so drastically. Please post photos of quilts when you get your grove back.

[Cheryll]

Oh Jeri,

I'm so sorry to hear of your problem with your machine & the Jerk. Men can be real pains in the butt. He must be kind of mentally off to pull a gun on you and the police. I'm glad he did it to them too so they will believe you. I hope and pray that all will settle down for you soon and that you will have your machine back and that all will be fine. I once lost a treasured horse to a jerk for about 3 years. I had the I.R.S. after me because he didn't pay some taxes. He had people after me to garnish my wages to pay his bills. I tried to get some of the vehicles to pay the bills owed. The vehicles were titled in my name but in a small town the rules can be different (things not checked on) He actually had me arrested and I spent a few days in a real jail must I ad that I was about 7 months pregnant at the time. Oh well it falls under the bumper sticker sometimes --it Happens. I pray yours will be over and forgotten soon. Cheryll

[pigletaz]

I'm sorry to hear about your troubles - I too am going through a divorce, but no firearms are involved at this point (thank goodness). Luckily, my husband was against the machine and everything, so he is totally uninterested in it at this point (and the house). And he doesn't live here anymore either! I'll be thinking of you. And, yes, get the restraining order if you don't have one yet!

[Karen McTavish]

Jeri -

I am right there with you – this is such a good thing- you got out of there. You are amazing.

I got married briefly in 1998 because I just wanted someone to handle the business end of quilting. I wish someone would have said, "Karen, dont get married, get an accountant!". Seriously! Major error.

I made the mistake of getting married (only lasted 11 months) and during the 4 year divorce, he went after my quilting business, even though it was pre-marital. He went after my batting, thread, machine, everything. Of course - he didnt get anything but he tried! But it took lots of money to fight him with an attorney. After I left that nightmare, that’s when my focus was completely on quilting – and good stuff came to me – books, teaching, awards, all of it – came after the nightmare of this insane person. Its just part of my quilting story – of course – I have never talked about it until now. But lots of quilters, have gone thru this or are going thru this on some level.

On another lighter note that I can relate to your story ...I made the grave mistake one day of painting this guys toenails "sparkle silver" while he was sleeping on the sofa. To say he didnt handle it well, is an understatement. But let's just say - his reaction to the nail polish was enough for my entire family to rent a U-Haul and come and pack up my quilting business, my home and get me the heck out of there.(In my haste, I forgot my entire closet of clothing and shoes-I was so focused on my quilting business and my daughters things). It’s been years since I left, and I am still jumping for joy that I didnt stick around. That was a very scary moment in my life. So I can feel exactly what you are going thru.

Anyway - I have been with my partner, Dan, now since 2004 - and once in a while - when he has his foot too close to me, and if there is pink nail polish around, I do some cathartic therapy and paint his toe nails. The entire time I am freaking out – looking at Dan, to see if he’s going to put a gun to my head, and Dan will just smile and say, “I love you, Karen – and I will never hurt you”. And I get to paint all his toes. I only wish I could get my hands on some “sparkle silver” nail polish.

Life gets good after nightmares – I promise.

:cool:

[Beverly]

Wow, Karen. You need the tee shirt that says, "Been there, done that, have the tee shirt to show it and don't want to go there again". --- Jeri, hang in there and all will eventually be well. You are so much better off without this big four letter man. J E R K!!!! How can they hide their true nature so well until they get a woman trapped? You can bet you would not have gone out with him a second time if he pointed a gun at you on the first date. He gets my vote for slime ball of the year. Peace be with you.

Beverly

[CucumberQuilting]

You guys are so brave and good to share your stories with us. Keep it up, it's good for the soul. Life is good and meant to be that way.

PS: Jeri M. ~~ I know you are far away in another state but if you need a second opinion on things, I have the number of a TOUGH attorney and she's also a quilter/quilt shop owner! How's that for stacking the deck in your favor.

[jeri]

Thanks everyone for your support. I would not have made it through this last year with out the support of so many of my quilting friends. I haven't talked much here much throughout because I haven't wanted anything I might say to be used against me by my almost ex.

I do have a good atty. who finally pinned him down and managed to get my machine back for me. I have faith that I will get to keep it once all is done.

I just don't want anyone else to have to go through this nightmare. So protect yourselves, your machines, and your businesses. Wrap your machines, supplies and equipment up in legal protection. Not to be a pessimist but even a "perfect" marriage can take a fatal twist. My first "perfect" one did and all the counseling etc. couldn't put it back together to stay. After 22 years it ended but without the battle of this 5 year mistake. jeri

[jeri]

Karen, so sorry that you went through that. Had to laugh about the toenail polish tests as I totally understand. My 2nd DH actually passed all the little tests but changed and actually until I went to remove my belongings was not physically abusive. As I left the relationship I realized he was emotionally abusive. I saw Dan with your child when you were at MO-KAN guild here in KC. He seemed like a wonderful father.

I don't talk about it often either. Did that with my first DH. Tried the counselling etc. etc. because we had had 14 years of a "perfect" marriage, but after 6 fairly peaceful years I could see the abuse cycle starting to surface again again though it hadn't gotten physical. He would not go back into therapy. I couldn't handle a second go round so I packed up and left. Should have stayed away the first time I left 6 years earlier, would have been better for me and for our 3 daughters.

Since then we have found out that he has a chemical and neurological imbalance in his brain that can cause behavior changes and grand-mal seizures. After having a major seizure at our daughter's wedding he finally consented to neurological evaluation. This was 5 years after our divorce. Since we have 3 children and now 9 grand-children we do see each other now and then. My girls have told him about my hostage quilting machine and he has offered to help in any way he can (surprized me).

For all of you and anyone you know. Whatever the reason for the abusive behavior, if you are in that situation or know someone who is. Get Out. There is a wonderful book that helps to understand a woman's reaction to the situation. Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood.

Jeri

[Phyllis]

Jeri, I'm so glad that your life is starting to turn around for the better. Pray God that it stays that way.

Karen, you are such an inspiration to all of us. You make us all proud to be fellow quilters.(and women) Thanks for being you.

[Jhend]

Jeri, maybe I watch too much 20/20, but always watch your back. A restraining order isn't bullet proof. Now my word of advice.....don't get married again. I have been single many, many years and would not trade it for the world. I will never take a loss again and give to someone else what I worked so hard for. I have a license for my dog, one to drive and one to buy wholesale; don't need no more than that.

good luck

[Guest Linda S]

Oh my! Some men are so loony. I'm sorry to hear the problems you gals have had. I just had an experience this spring. Met a man on line. We had so much in common, started talking on the phone. He finally flew in to visit. We spent a blissful month together until I had to go to MQX. He went home to pack up and move in with me. When I got back from MQX, there he was, with a cold and a temper that probably could only be rivaled by Satan himself. Well, he got better, but the temper didn't. I'd come home from work and he'd just be getting in the door, reeking of perfume! Turned out he'd been in the strip clubs all day! Then I got the cell phone bill! He'd been calling dating lines and (get this) a dominatrix! Well, I didn't confront him, because I knew the temper would be insane. I waited till I put him on a train to Portland (for a medical checkup) a day later, and went home, moved his stuff out against the fence and changed the locks! I called him in Portland and told him what I'd done and that I was shutting his cell phone off in 5 minutes. He came back and tried to get in, but I didn't allow it. He's now long gone. I learned a big lesson on that. I found out later, from his sister, that he's bi-polar and refuses to take medications. OMG I wish I had known that before hand!

Linda

[barbm]

Ladies,

My heart bleeds for each of you that have suffered at the hand of a significant other - really it does! There are beasts out there, and they're not always recognized as such on first glance...

But there's another type of guy out there, too. My high school sweetheart and I have been married for 35 years (not all of them wonderful, granted), have two grown sons, and he's been nothing but supportive of my new longarm venture. My DH even took a line of credit on his own business to finance my Millie.

Just wanted to put a little positive into the stream....

[Bonnie]

Barb, I too was thinking the same thing....They say it take a bunch of frogs to find a prince....Like Barb, I hit gold the second time....almost 34 for us, we got married 7 days after I graduated....

When I hear these tails I just want to gather everyone up and protect you. I don't do well with bullies...my first high school sweatheart was a bully and someday ya should ask him what I did to him the last time I allowed him to get abusive. Wonder if he even remembers being in the hospital for 2 days because of it.....its been 35 yrs ago some of us just don't remember things that far back.:cool:

[Karen McTavish]

Bonnie!!! Now that is awesome!!!

(Bonnie put a dude in the ER!! ....you guys!! SHE PUT A DUDE IN THE ER!! Dont be messin' with the Bonnster!)

You sooo rule.

[MarieBrewer]

Speaking of bi-polar--I think my son's gf is such. He's an alcoholic and she has mental problems. They can't seem to see that the relationship sucks. I have encouraged her to leave him but why would you chase your meal ticket away? If I didn't have a GD from them, I'd tell my son to fly a kite and not come back until he is flying solo on it. How do you get people to see how destructive a relationship is? I can see the baby turning into a terrible 2's brat right now. I think their fighting has a lot to do w/it. HELP!!!

[kennan100]

WooHoo Bonnie! Beating up one guy and finding a keeper on top of that! I bow to "The Bonnie".....

Karen, You really need to find the silver nailpolish and go for it! (then we can refer to Dan as "Twinkle Toes"!!

[Bonnie]

Actually I could have hurt him way worse than I did....I took a pitch fork to him....got him pretty good before he stopped beating me and holding me down. Don't mess with the cowgirl....

My hubby was one of the hired hands that worked for my first boyfriends father, that's how we met.

My not then husband left the area to go to school in Denver my Junior year and he came back before the next summer and he had heard about what had happened....but wasn't really sure it was true.

After dingbat and I stopped dating the summer between my Junior and Senior year...he told everyone that he gave me to Gene for his birthday..... Well, by then Gene decide he had also had enough of his mouth so he too shut it. Didn't land him in the hospital like I had, but he sported a black eye and a few sore ribs for a few days.:P:P

So I guess you could say I married my "Hero"...

[schnoo]

Ladies!!!!!!

Karen thanks for sharing your personal experience with us.

We need more Bad-Ass quilters in the world like you and Bonnie to look up to!

My heart goes out to all of you that have had to endure the A-HOLE!!!!! I myself have been there done that ( except putting one in the ER!!!!wow!girl's gotta do what she's gotta DO!!)TWO FAVORITE BOOKS OF MINE: (loaned out to many friends)

"Men are Jerks ( until proven otherwise) and

Too Bad to Stay; Too Good to Leave . I think EVERY WOMAN EVERY WHERE should own a copy of both of these to keep on her "reference shelf".

Number one thing to remember is to Never let go of your Power. I know its easy to say (in hindsight) but hard to do

when things start degrading by what I call the" slow drip".

One day you wake up and can't understand how or why you ended up in this insane/awful/screwed up situation. It's very encouraging for me to hear all these stories and realize just how much strength we have inside when pushed. And how much strength we can "borrow" from each other.

I finally ( after totally giving up) got lucky after 40 years(!!) and found a guy that makes up for ALL THE JERKS ( there were A LOT) I've known.

He remodeled my garage into my studio and refinanced his house so I could get my Milli.We aren't married ( at this age who cares !!) and it doesn't matter. I guess my point is that there are good guys out there it just may take a ( long)while to find one. IF you ever decide you might want one!