Need Advice Dealing with "Catty Katy and her Cohort Kim"

[quiltmonkey]

Is there a psychologist sofa here that I can lay down on for a while?? Along with a couch, I need a quilt to cuddle under, too...

I'll try to make this a long story short. I need advice dealing with two ladies in my guild who I will refer to as "Catty Katy and her Cohort Kim." They are best friends, apparently and pal around everywhere together. I've known these two for approximately approx. 5 or so years. They are both close to my age, 45, or maybe a little older (maybe around 50 years old). Both worked together in a local quilt shop that later closed down. I work with Catty Katy's husband. My employer does an annual Day of Caring each September for United Way and about 7 or 8 years ago, my employer also started an annual Day of Quilting (DOQ) for United Way. Anyway, Katy would be involved in my employer's event through her husband. Before I got into quilting, she assisted other quilters who work for my employer to arrange the Day of Quilting event. One year, several years ago, I was nominated to run the DOQ for my employer, so I asked Katy to help me. Well that ended up becoming a project from hell for me because Katy was unreliable, was argumentative, was a no show, and made it really difficult for me. She also lied to me many times and I thought I couldn't trust her! Through this event, I kept my cool but underneath, I was just steaming because she was impossible to work with. Afterward, I asked prior quilt volunteers who worked with Katy before about her "issues" and I was told "Yes, Katy is difficult to work with." YIKES! The year I helped, Katy wanted to turn this little event into something really huge gigantic community wide quilting event and wanted my employer to sponsor, foot the bill, etc. Anyway, when my employer denied her idea, she was pretty upset and ended up a "no show" at the event that Katy and I were in charge of that year, so I ended up juggling a gazillion things all by myself to make the event run smoothly. (Thanks, I needed that, Katy...NOT!). Every DOQ event since then, I have been running the event, and Katy knows she is always welcome to participate or help, but she never comes any more. I think she hates me. Through the years since Katy was supposed to help me with the DOQ event, I've maintained a polite distance from Katy because I don't trust her passive agressive motivations and childish behavior. What is it with 50 year old women who act like big babies?

Anywhooo...about a year ago, both Catty Katy and her Cohort Kim both joined my guild. That is fine and I welcomed them politely. But, I gotta tell ya that every guild event I go to, I have been watching their behavior around me. Whenever I am making conversation or whatever during a craft day, I glance over to where Catty Katy and Kim are sitting and every time, they are rolling their eyes or are looking at each other with expressions on their faces like they are saying to eachother "What an idiot Shana is." It is so immature! I almost feel like not even going to my guild events any more because I get to witness their childish snotty sneaky glances at eachother. Oh, and another thing: These two ladies, Katy and Kim, both have longarms and they are the two that were discouraging anyone else in the guild from buying their own longarm because "there just isn't enough business...". They've made that comment many times at guild events. Katy and Kim have absolutely no idea that I am aware of their passive aggressive behavior toward me.

OK, I've rambled on and on here. Sorry. I thought this type of childish behavior went away after high school. Apparently not! What is it with some women!!!

[Judi]

Oh Shana - I DO feel your pain!! You seem like such a sweet lady - I know

it is hard - but do your best to ignore them and have fun at guild. I am sure

you have real friends there, and I know you enjoy yourself, so why not?!?

Just go..... do you want to hear my story?.... (here it is anyways!)

Similar childish behavior..... this person is over 55 and acts like this:::

We had our Quilt Guild Show end of April. Then there was this big stink

about awarding prizes to "Viewers Choice" winners. I was a co-chair of the

show. They gave out prizes last time. I was NOT going to be the "ONE Who

DROPPED THE BALL" here and screwed-up. So - I personally bought the

gifts and handed them out at our guild meeting. This person, the other

co-chair was a NO-Show!! I had just talked to her that morning.... as she

gave me some excuse as to why she could not pick-up any gifts..... she did

not want to be stuck with the $$$$. (p.s. to that - now my guild is asking

for the receipts and wants to pay me back) guess it WAS a good idea to do!

Now the annoying part - she has just joined the Rec center I go to every

morning, I have been since they opened 6 years ago. She drives about 15

min. out of a much bigger town, that has a YMCA and many more gyms, to

this nice place I go to...... and Totally ignores me - not even so much as a

BOO! It is interesting to find out what people are really made-up of! I just

laugh - life is too short - and I am having TOO much fun with it!! Yes - it

bothers me - you think somebody is a friend, then they act like a little baby,

WHATEVER!!!??!? ( say that in the tone I mean it - - WHAT - ev - ER!!):mad:

You can talk to me anytime!! Feel free to email me directly - Oh - the lady in

town by here moved here from Alaska.... she owns a quilt shop here, did

up there too.... Very nice person! I was telling her about you.....

[BethDurand]

Dear Shana and Judi,

Sad, but true, no matter where you go, you're going to find stinkers like the one's you've described. I got lucky, mine moved to Thailand! I think the only thing you can do is grin and bear it. Keep your chin up, and keep in mind that sometime their colors are going to show to everyone else, and they will have shot themselves in the foot. People are going to come to you because you are friendly, reliable and I'm sure hard workers. You are going to get the positive recognition that you deserve, and while their little zingers hurt your feelings, you can rise above it. Of course, whenever you feel the need to vent, rant, rave or even scream and yell and kick your feet, you come talk to us. I am, after all, a "trained professional" (I'm a music therapist)

Hugs to both of you.

Beth, MT-BC (Music Therapist, Board Certified)

[QuiltFaerie]

Unfortunately, Shana, people are people no matter their age or where they work or live.

I used to work with a younger secretary who thought she was the cat's pajamas and all that and bag of chips also. She would look down her nose and roll her eyes at me all the time. I haven't had a "cool" day in my life. I don't think acting like an ass can be defined or restricted by age.

It is truly a huge loss on their part as you seem like a wonderful, friendly person to know and have as a friend. Too darn bad you live so far away from me, we could beat up on them together! Oh, I'm 49, getting closer to that half century mark every day, darn it!

[ffq-lar]

Grrrrr! Those two are jealous of you---they are jealous that you are a warm, caring, talented, hard-working, generous, well-rounded woman. (hey everybody--did I leave anything out?!!)

Anyway--next time you catch them doing the eye-rolling, snicker thing--- place your hand under your chin palm down and fingers pointing towards them. Flutter your fingers at them. That is a little wave that says you see them and know what they are doing. Even if they don't see it right away you will feel better that you have done something that is not confrontational and you can snicker to yourself about it. If any friends ask about the wave, you can let them in on it or keep it to yourself.

Remember that they lead small lives and are small people. We love you Shana!

Linda Rech

[Guest Smile&nod]

One of my former professors told me that when a person becomes critical of another, its usually because that person suffers from exactly the same flaws they are being critical of. And by pulling you down, they bring themselves up.

These clowns are exactly that, and I'm sure we've all dealt with their kind before. Being the bigger better person is hard...there's nothing more satisfying than envisioning something evil and nasty (or maybe that's just the male in me hehehehe). In the end though, those that know you best will know you for who you are. Those that don't give you that respect...meh, in the long run their opinion doesn't mean squat.

But take heart that even if you don't believe in it, there's always a karma bus right around the corner, ready to figuratively squash them like bugs when the time is right. Possibly a real bus too...not that I'd wish that on anyone :cool:

[mrmquilt]

Shana, Everyone will see or already knows their true colors. If they are

doing this kind of stuff to one person they are doing it to others also.

The first quilters I got involved with were this way. They put everyone

down at guild, fortunately I talked to everyone. They used to tease me

about it saying that I was "IN". I just laughed it off and never really

thought about it. I won't go into details but they became mean and

nasty to me and kicked me out of the group. I actually sat in a corner

of my house and cried. The good news is that with them doing that

I actually have tons of quilter friends now and am not restricted to just

that group. I feel I couldn't be in a better spot and learned a lot of

what NOT to do to my friends. I found out that I am not the only person

that they have done this kind of stuff to and they have made a name

for themselves. I didn't have to tell anyone about what happened!

Anyhow don't leave the group!! You could always attempt to kill them with

kindness. I know it is very hard but try to not let it bother you or at

least don't let them see that is bothers you. They love that.

I'll shut-up now.

Michele

[SandraC]

Isn't it nice that you can come on here and share your feelings with us??? I love all of you for that!

Shana, I am a pretty easy going person and am blessed with lots of good friends...but once in a while it happens that you can sense that you are not someone's cup of tea. At first there are hurt feelings but then I remember this.....once in a while I meet people that just plain rub me the wrong way ~ it can only be human nature that the reverse will be true, right??? That makes me feel better and able to just let it roll off. Your own true colours will shine through and I'm sure that most people recognise them!!! We do!!!

Have a good one........Sandra

[Patch]

Shana, I think Linda R. forgot to mention "very good-looking" along with the other beautiful qualities you possess.

It seems to me you of all people least deserve to be treated this way, and I'm sure it hurts so very much. I am sorry people are taking out their disppointment with life on you. These women obviously don't understand when it's time to let someone else run the show, and would rather wreck your life than learn a lesson themselves. I personally have struggled with this myself, as someone who always wanted to be The Best at what I do, but have found too often I am not capable of it. I imagine these women have felt much like myself at times, like taking it out on the one who seems responsible for ruining their lives, when really it's nobody's fault life turned out like it did and they don't know what to do about it. Is this getting too involved? too Patty personal? (A little late to ask THAT question, eh? LOL!) What I mean is I can see WHY they might act that way without condoning their actions, and I imagine they are hurting inside from being less able to do the quilter's life than you are. Yes, they are jealous, big time! And since they've never been shown anything else all the can do is what they are doing. How wonderful it would be if someone showed them that retaliation and revenge are not important, that friendship and caring and sharing are the most important things in quilting, that everyone gets a second chance. However, being human ourselves we are also vulnerable, and therefore will find it all too hard to continue taking the darts these enemies hurl. I guess I'm trying to say, yes, kill them with kindness, but I understand if it's just too much emotional weight sometimes to be nice back to them.

Boy, is this a ramble! Sorry, but anyway, we are with YOU, Shana, and you are precious and loved, no matter what you see others doing and getting away with. I agree, they will regret it in the future, as it will be hard to find friends when the need them. And when we need friends there is NOTHING else that can replace them.

Blessings on you, and go have a nice bubble bath to reward yourself for NOT being like them! Congratulations! You get first prize and a blue ribbon in my book.

[raggie]

Hi Shana,

I, too, have been in a similar situation. The best advice that I ever got was to smile and say something nice to the offenders. Everytime you see them roll their eyes and look at each other, say "Hi Kim, Hi Katy! How are you guys doing?" in your usual friendly, smiling way. They will know that you see them, and they will have to respond (or not). But either way, you will still be the good person. It will be the hardest thing to do the first time around, but it will do the trick, and you will go away with the feeling that you "confronted them", but in a positive way. Good luck and just know that in the big picture it doesn't matter what they do, you still have your family and good friends who love you. Poor things, it sounds like they only have each other. How sad for them!

Raggie

[JudyL]

Shana, as others have said: (1) We've all experienced what you're going through, although not always involving quilting and (2) There are women (and probably men but we women seem to be worse) who behave or misbehave in this manner, no matter their ages.

One of my mottos is "I'm not going to change them and they're not going to change me!"

I suppose I can be a bit evil but if I find something that really rubs someone like that the wrong way, I make sure that I take full advantage of my position. In your case, I would make sure that every time I'm around them, they hear me encouraging everyone who thinks they want a longarm, to check them out. I'd tell them how much fun they are, how nice it is to be able to do your own quilting, etc.

My advice is to ignore both of them. Pretend they do not exist. I'm betting that "ladies" of this type know that you're watching them out the corner of your eye. Their rolling their eyes, etc. is for your benefit. If they have any idea you're seeing them -- mission accomplished. If they think you're not noticing, they may be more bold in their actions and will only cause themselves to look worse.

Don't think twice about them -- they're the ones who are probably miserable with their own lives and everything they do. Be happy you're you and you do not act like they act.

No matter what they do or say, they're only getting a "victory" over you if you allow it to happen.

I can tell from reading your posts that you're a positive person. Chances are that everyone who is involved in your project would much rather work with you and are happier if those two are not involved at all.

[quiltmonkey]

Thank you all for your advice and support. It helps and it means a lot to me!

((hugs))

[Guest Linda S]

Shana - ya want me to bring da boyz wit da violin cases, and we can take deez two out? I agree with Judy. Ignore them. Don't look at them so you don't have to see their childish antics. I think Eleanor Roosevelt was the one who said "no one can make you feel bad about yourself unless you let them," or some words to that effect. We all know you're a wonderful person and I think those who are closer to you there in Alaska know it even more. Those women already have a reputation for being idiots, and they can just wallow in it, for all you should care!

Linda

[sewhappy]

Shana-

I know how hard this will be but STICK IT OUT!!! I have recenclty experienced the "what goes around comes around"! & I was there to see it!! Remember my unreseanable boss saga?? Well she and her nasty back stabbing lying snake inthe grass are (Used to be) members of my guild! The hatred and personal attacks went so far as nasty letters being sent to the guild members demanding me to leave (readers digest version-believe me it's long) Well guess who is still the president and who are longer members!! People will see the true person - sometimes it takes awhile but in the end they will get theirs! & I truly hope you get front row seats to see what happens to them!! Now don't get me wrong-I wish them nothing bad-I just want them to leave me alone and now they have to the guild has spoken!! In the nasty attempts to screw me she and her friend have opened the eyes of so many and many a door to sell my quilts and my work!!

I hope it will get better soon!!

P.s. next time they roll their eyes simply and politely ask them whats wrong? Is there something they would like to add?? Dollars to donuts they shut up real soon and stop.

Sewhappy

[quiltjunkie]

Hey Quiltmonkey,

That handle alone makes me smile!! I could tell you stories that are very similar that would make these pages smoke...but I remember something I saw in high school that has stuck with me my whole life. I was riding in the car of one of our male cheerleaders, he was one of the best liked people in the high school of over 4000 students grades 10-12. There was a sign on his sun visor that said "Love your enemy it will drive them crazy", so I always try to keep that in mind when I have encountered situations as yours. You should always smile and say something positive, short & sweet when you encounter your two "Friends". It will make them nuts!

You are way too positive, upbeat, cheerie & supportive of everyone else to let those two women bother you. Trust me, what goes around comes around, and don't waste your time and energy on people like that, someone else will handle a "get even" for you and much better than anything you could think of. (Also know that from experience).

[MODEN]

Hi Shana,

I can't add anything to what has been said already, besides they call me "aunti social" just kidding. I've spend the last 30 yrs of my life moving from place o place every 4 yrs, so I meet lots of people, encounter many situations, and never! let my guard down.

I look forward to your smiling face on these posts and like I said before...you almos alays make me chuckle.

So as they say in the mafia "forget abot it! (want me to sent Tony Soprano after them?)

Keep smiling

[kennan100]

Shauna,

It sounds to me like everyone already knows what these women are like. Just look at it this way: They do everything together because no one else will have anything to do with them. They have made themselves a clique with just 2 members. Notice that their eye rolling and whispering is always just to each other because no one else will look at them. While everyone else is joining in together and having a good time, they are sitting at the side all by themselves.

They are really trying to intimidate, control and manipulate. This kind of behavior works because kind, and caring, NORMAL people who want everyone to get along and be happy give in a little bit at a time in order to try to make them happy. The eye rolling and whispering are signals that there is something wrong and just not up to par. If they choose not to participate in an activity then there must be something wrong with it, right? Makes you feel like there's something wrong that you aren't quite catching onto so everyone keeps watching them for the signal that everything is ok.

Just take the control away from them. They aren't special. They are however pitiful. Participation is open to everyone, right? They don't need a special invitation. Their behavior is all based on the assumption that everyone is looking to them for their approval. Why do they matter? If they want to join in they will, if not, then they can just go off in the corner and ugly each other to death. It sounds to me like they've already isolated themselves. (somebody please kick this soapbox out from under me!)

[shadows4]

Shana:

Sounds like you have gotten good advice so far from everyone. I think just about everyone has experienced that or something like it at some point.

As JudyL said: The big thing is that you aren't responsible for anyone's actions but yours. They are responsible for theirs, and you can't do anything to change them.

Some people can be shamed into acting right, but they don't seem to be the type. You just need to make sure you don't change who you are and how you act because of them. That way you can hold your head high and know that you've not gone down to their level.

They've also won if they do know they've gotten to you. They seem to be doing it for others to see or they wouldn't be doing it so openly. You might nicely ask if they have something to add next time you see them doing it openly. That will also bring their actions more into the spotlight for others to see and show you have no fear of them. Courageous people risk their reputations to do what it right. You seem to be a courageous lady.

Others see their character and what they are doing. They also see your character through this so it's even more important that you don't stoop to their level, even though it's really tempting! Our character is developed through challenges such as this, so this opposition is an opportunity to show your strength of character. Your positive attitude can influence others for good. Just be nice to them. That is a huge weapon against jealousy.

[barbann03]

Shana, you are such a nice person. Even though I don't post very often, I see you here a lot, always saying positive, supporttive things to everyone. You will get what you deserve and so will they. I have always avoided large groups of women just for these reasons. I got VERY lucky in my guild. All the women are wonderful, and lot of my business is coming from them now. Just keep doing what you are doing Shana, and don't pay any attention. I just keep praying that some we just won't care what anyone else thinks!

Barb:)

[quiltaholi_518]

I just heard the song the other day "I see your true colors, shinin' through......." So will their true colors shine through at guild. So just be the best that you can be, smile sweetly and genuinely at them. When they have anything bad to say about you, people will know that they are bitter jealous women, and that you have no time for those sorts of things.

What's the rhyme? You are rubber, they are glue, bad words they say bounce off you and stick to them. Something like that anyway........

[quiltmonkey]

THANK YOU FOR YOUR SAGE ADVICE AND WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT!!! It means more than you know. I am so glad (and fortunate) that I have a grounded group of women (and men) such as yourselves on the chat. What else can I say except... I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!! You are the BEST!

Thank you so much for your "wonderfulness." That's not a word but it should be. LOL!!

Just so you know, I believe these two ladies keep this between themselves. There are no other guild members aware they are doing this. It's sneaky and it's between themselves only. The other guild members already know the "real" me (I've been in the guild for years before they joined) and the other members wouldn't tolerate Katy & Kim's negative behavior to me. So, really it's a little "joke" they keep between themselves. Silly, isn't it?

I'm staying on the high road. Happy quilting, everyone.

[smhowell]

Sometimes I like myself better for the enemies I make. My advice is...treat them like people you don't know...speak politely to them only when they speak to you, but otherwise, they don't exist. Class always shows itself, but sometimes it's hard to be patient.

I'm sorry to see that this same crud happens in quilting circles as in dog showing.

I got out of dog showing (Shelties) because of a pack that acted like this. (It also seemed to be more hassle than fun, also, and was VERY expensive.) Their motive in this case was financial - the alpha female was selling junk genes and I wouldn't condone it. Not only did I manage to get thrown out of her Sheltie club (woo-hoo! no more boring meetings!), I managed to get them to offer me a full refund of my dues to leave! (Could it get any better than that!)

Looks like your acquaintances have a financial motive, also. Pity, those kind hang on longer than the generic pain in the rear types.

Pray for them...it will keep your attitude on track.

Regards,

Sharon

[Bonnie]

Wonderfulness should be a word....It can be our word.

Shana, I'm a firm believer that if you give your enemies enough rope they in turn will hang themselves. Karma also is such a great word and such a great think when you see it come around and watch it bite someone on the hinny that really has it coming.

But if that doesn't happen fast enough I have a shovel and I can be friend enough to carry it for you when the time comes to bury the bodies. :P Let your heritage prevail and you will win. Don't lower yourself to their level....keep them wondering what is next and they will soon give up and just crawl back under their rocks.

[MarthaProvencher]

Wow, have you noticed how much feedback you've gotten? This is truly a universal problem!

It's all been said before, but like others, I just need to add my two cents worth!!! Don't fight evil with evil. Send love in response to hate. It will be like heaping hot coals on their heads. They will either be transformed by your love or driven crazy by it. Either way, it's not your worry anymore. And your response will bring you peace in the midst of their turmoil. Remember, deep loving breaths.

Good luck.

Marty Provencher

[landgtino]

I see you have already gotten tons of support. I will just add that "these" ladies are everywhere! I stopped going on quilting retreats, cause ya never know WHO you might have to listen to for the entire time...Yikes! I'm 52, and have found it doesn't matter what the age is of icky people, but also, sometimes as people AGE, they get more unhappy. I really don't take classes, or go to quilting groups, I'm just sooo sick of unhappy people! Its better that I stay at home, or I mifgt slap someone silly! lol....Just ignore these ladies, maybe they will go away!