barbm Posted January 5, 2012 Report Share Posted January 5, 2012 A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine. Dear Diary, For my birthday this year, my Husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress. ________________________________ MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!! ________________________________ TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me. _______________________________ WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too. _______________________________ THURSDAY: Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes. He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me. Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank. _________________________________ FRIDAY: I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director? ________________________________ SATURDAY: Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel. ________________________________ SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!! [or pieces of fabric???] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
s.waits Posted January 5, 2012 Report Share Posted January 5, 2012 Yep, laughing out loud!:D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Linda S Posted January 5, 2012 Report Share Posted January 5, 2012 Bwaahahahahahahahaha!! I've got a little video for you all that I will post if it will let me on another thread. I'm just in from my fourth 3-mile walk of the year with my pooch. Maybe I'll be a marathon runner by the end of the year? Nope! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GrandmaLKB Posted January 5, 2012 Report Share Posted January 5, 2012 That is soooo funny ! Even more so because DH and I both started working with a Personal Trainer this week. He's a nice young man so far, but I wonder what evil he has planned for us down the road. haha I got through Monday OK, but Tuesday I could barely get off a chair. Wednesday I had session #2 and "WE" worked body parts that "we" didn't work on Monday. I'm not sure who WE is, but it was ME doing the work. He stood there and counted. DH and have been doing mostly mat work and free weights but those ellipticals, stair master and bikes are lurking over there waiting. One week down......3 more to go.........2 x a week. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janette Posted January 5, 2012 Report Share Posted January 5, 2012 Hilarious, just what I needed after a horrible day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DoryJM Posted January 5, 2012 Report Share Posted January 5, 2012 I love it!!! We've just joined the club up here and have gone M-F for the last three weeks. We missed today; but will be back tomorrow. I'm just walking after almost dying from a yoga session. Yep, Yoga! I seem to forget that two back surgeries later, not everything bends the same way! I'm walking and lifting some weights, but that's about it so far. I really wanted a personal trainer until I read your story there, Barb! Think I'll be just fine with only myself for now!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LeeAnn Posted January 5, 2012 Report Share Posted January 5, 2012 That's hilarious!!!! It makes me think of the trainers on "The Biggest Loser". You love 'em and hate 'em at the same time! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sewcrazy4quilting Posted January 5, 2012 Report Share Posted January 5, 2012 Nothing like a little humor to break up the boredom of background filling...... finally had to get back to work today. :P:P Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
quilten Posted January 5, 2012 Report Share Posted January 5, 2012 A good laugh this story gave me D: And I kept telling my daughter that training can be so wrong - it hurts. Sewing dosn't:D Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ffq-lar Posted January 5, 2012 Report Share Posted January 5, 2012 I had to wipe the ice tea off the monitor after spewing when I had a visual of the teeth-brushing! Hilarious, Barb! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Primitive1 Posted January 5, 2012 Report Share Posted January 5, 2012 That's so funny! My DH did actually hire a personal trainer for me back in Sept. and she was alot of fun and very nice, nothing like Barb's story..., I really liked her and ended up hiring her to work with my dtr as well...I have continued to go 2-3 times per week (until this week when the flu hit) and also walk 3 miles 3 times per week. It has cut into my quilting time some but I do feel better for it. But, we only met once per week! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
barbm Posted January 5, 2012 Author Report Share Posted January 5, 2012 Linda, I wish I could take credit for this story - it was sent to me by a friend a couple of years ago and it surfaced as I was cleaning out my really old emails. I have been to a personal trainer - long, long ago! - we were doing floor exercises and I didn't follow instructions and wound up injuring both my knees. Doctor says it's the source for my arthritis aches now. See, another good reason for avoiding those crafty trainers! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anette D. Posted January 5, 2012 Report Share Posted January 5, 2012 Laughed out loud! Too funny. Thanks, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
o2b Quilting Posted January 5, 2012 Report Share Posted January 5, 2012 :o:P Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tevera Posted January 5, 2012 Report Share Posted January 5, 2012 I tried not to laugh out loud just because I read this while at work, but that didn't happen! So FUNNY! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quilting Heidi Posted January 5, 2012 Report Share Posted January 5, 2012 I've seen this before but it was worth the read again! LOL too funny. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sheri Butler Posted January 6, 2012 Report Share Posted January 6, 2012 HA HA HA HA! TY Barb! My tummy hurts from laughing!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
barbm Posted January 6, 2012 Author Report Share Posted January 6, 2012 Originally posted by SheriB HA HA HA HA! TY Barb! My tummy hurts from laughing!! That means you're exercising, right???:P:P Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hawaii Posted January 6, 2012 Report Share Posted January 6, 2012 Aha! Makes me remember why I HATE exercise, even though I know it's good for me! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RoseCity Quilter Posted January 6, 2012 Report Share Posted January 6, 2012 :D:D;);):P:P HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.... SO FUNNY! See how funny it is after the Zumba class my friends and I start tomorrow! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lindasewsit Posted January 6, 2012 Report Share Posted January 6, 2012 :P Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bekah Posted January 6, 2012 Report Share Posted January 6, 2012 :D:D:D:D:D:D:P:P:P:P:P Oh Barb I had that personal trainer. I actually couldn't get out of bed for 2 days so this just made me laugh out loud. I will just stick to walking my dogs thank you very much. Oh I do go the gym 2 a week to swim and hope to start senior yoga next Friday. Hopefully with the word "senior" in that description it won't be too hard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chrisquilter Posted January 6, 2012 Report Share Posted January 6, 2012 Wow! I am hiding from all personal trainers! So Scarrrrry! :D:D:D:D It is an unbeliveable 50 degrees here in Ohio today. I'm going hiking! Enjoy your day everyone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DL Semmens Posted January 6, 2012 Report Share Posted January 6, 2012 Wish I had read this thread before I decided yesterday to add a second two mile walk. I'm a little sore today! Thats what I get for being sick and off the treadmill for 7 days, and then decide to add another mile to the routine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marsha Nichols Posted January 10, 2012 Report Share Posted January 10, 2012 sooooo funny. Thank you Barb Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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