bobbi Posted May 21, 2009 Report Share Posted May 21, 2009 Yeah, "Chat Girls", it's THAT season! > The Swim Suit > > When I was a child in the 1950's (or 60s) the swim suit for the mature > figure was boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as > engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift and they did a good > job. Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with > a figure carved from a potato chip. > > The mature woman has a choice. She can either go up front to the > maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away > looking like a hippopotamus who escaped from Disney's Fantasia ..... Or > she can wander around every run of the mill department store trying to > make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of > florescent rubber bands. What choice did I have? I wandered around, made > my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the > fitting room. > > The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the > stretch material. The lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I > believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which give > the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, > you are protected from shark attacks as any shark taking a swipe at your > passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash. I fought my way into > the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place, I > gasped in horror! My boobs had disappeared! > > Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a > while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my > seventh rib. The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. > The mature woman is meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like > a speed bump. > > I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full > view assessment. The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it > only fit those bits of me willing to stay inside it!!!!! The rest of > me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom, and sides. I looked like a > lump of play dough wearing undersized cling wrap. > > As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the > prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, 'Oh, there > you are,' she said, admiring the bathing suit. > > I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me. > I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking > tape, and a floral two piece which gave the appearance of an oversized > napkin in a serving ring. > > I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with ragged frills and > came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a > rough day. > > I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in > mourning. > > I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would > have to wax my eyebrows to wear them. > > Finally, I found a suit that fit....a two-piece affair with a shorts > style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. > > It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My > ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured. When I got home, > I found a label which read -- 'Material might become transparent in water.' > > So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water > this year and I'm there too .. I'll be the one in cut off jeans and a > T-shirt! > > You'd better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this time. Life > isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the Rain. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LindaFritchen Posted May 21, 2009 Report Share Posted May 21, 2009 What a HOOT! This may be the underlying reason I am afraid of water and therefore never have the need to wear a bathing suit! :P:P Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sallyquilt Posted May 21, 2009 Report Share Posted May 21, 2009 OMG!!! Someone has been watching me in the fitting room for years! I had to send this along to my 2 DDs--they feel the pain too. At the very least, this fluffy chick is still chuckling over this. Thanks for starting my day on the cheery side. Sally Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stagecl Posted May 21, 2009 Report Share Posted May 21, 2009 How true, how true! I was laughing because I feel the same way. I don't wear swimsuits:D:P. And my saddlebags have their own ideas and they usually win:P:P Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bonnie Posted May 21, 2009 Report Share Posted May 21, 2009 Yepper...never a truer story... I bought one this spring, had intened to get in the pool with Siana at MQX...tried it on at home, but trust me only me and God will ever see it, and he was honest enough to say nope and its now in the draw. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dtreusch Posted May 21, 2009 Report Share Posted May 21, 2009 Too funny and so true!! :P Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Crafty Unicorn Posted May 21, 2009 Report Share Posted May 21, 2009 That's what I tell people when they ask why I moved from Florida to Maine... So I never have to wear a bathing suit again! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mswings Posted May 21, 2009 Report Share Posted May 21, 2009 Thanks for the morning chuckle. I laughed so hard, I cried. You should write a book. Hilarious!!! Virginia:D:D:D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CWBowser Posted May 21, 2009 Report Share Posted May 21, 2009 Boy is that ever true. A bathing suit is a sick joke. Cut offs and t-shirt are the way to go. Thanks for the laugh. Charlotte Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ferret Posted May 21, 2009 Report Share Posted May 21, 2009 Hey I resemble that remark... OK I resemble the whole story. The shocking pink 2 piece with speed bump effect really was my best option one year. www.bravissimo.com Swimsuits with cups, designed for curves I can't deal with the speed bump look and jeans get really heavy when waterlogged Ferret Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bekah Posted May 21, 2009 Report Share Posted May 21, 2009 Oh Bobbi thanks for the laugh. I woke my husband up I was laughing so loud. I too never even look in the direction of a swimming suit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
quiltingjoyful51 Posted May 21, 2009 Report Share Posted May 21, 2009 Thank You Bobbi, I am still laughing and boy do I need to laugh today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
meg_marsh Posted May 21, 2009 Report Share Posted May 21, 2009 :P:D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anita Posted May 21, 2009 Report Share Posted May 21, 2009 OMG...hysterical. Did I laugh? My male colleagues are still asking over the cubicle walls what I'm laughing at. Anita Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sheri Butler Posted May 21, 2009 Report Share Posted May 21, 2009 Oh that sooo made my day! HALARIOUS! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quiltsinmotion Posted May 21, 2009 Report Share Posted May 21, 2009 :P:P:P OMG it really is THAT season we will all have a big smile when wearing our suits this season :cool: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DB Posted May 21, 2009 Report Share Posted May 21, 2009 Bobbi, That is too funny! I laughed so hard that I was crying. I know those bathing suits, they have the same ones up here. Dianne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dnice Posted May 21, 2009 Report Share Posted May 21, 2009 :P:P:P Thank you for making my day. Even with the weight lose I am still afraid of the Bathing suit section of the stores. I am sending this to my friends. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bobbi Posted May 21, 2009 Author Report Share Posted May 21, 2009 Well, your comments just tickle me too! I got the giggles waaaaay too early this morning, but like the rest of you - I don't think I could ever put one on again! Although, men don't seem to care about THEIR "dun-lop" disease! (as in my belly dun-lopped over my belt?) LOL I'm kinda a cool weather person anyway! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Betsy Posted May 21, 2009 Report Share Posted May 21, 2009 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
barbm Posted May 21, 2009 Report Share Posted May 21, 2009 I knew there was a reason I covered my bathing suit with a wetsuit!!!:P:P And black is soooo slimming, right??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
witha'K'quilting Posted May 21, 2009 Report Share Posted May 21, 2009 Too funny...but sadly true. :P;) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mskazooli Posted May 21, 2009 Report Share Posted May 21, 2009 OMG, I thought I was the only one thinking. . . what man invented this STUPID bathing suit!?!?! And when did I grow out of that 12 year old body that didn't care what I looked like and could wear anything?? I was rolling on the floor with laughter :D:D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jmcclannan Posted May 21, 2009 Report Share Posted May 21, 2009 I love the suits that promise to make you look 10 pounds thinner. Give me a break! I need a suit that makes me look 30 pounds thinner and hides my thighs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Renae Posted May 21, 2009 Report Share Posted May 21, 2009 :P:P:P:P:P Oh Bobbi I was laughing sooooooooo hard my ribs were hurting and tears were rolling down my cheecks. I feel the same way yet I like to have that natural tan from the sun. I just don't know what happened to this 'old' body or when it got old???? :o:D:D:D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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