Evil Sister

[laststitchstudio]

I just have to vent a bit here. I have 2 sisters who I do love, even though one makes it difficult to feel warm and fuzzy. I have to admit I do refer her to her as the "evil sister" and sometimes she does deserve it;

Anyway I made 2 quilts for each sis. The "good sister" loves her gift and uses it all the time. The Other sent her quilt back to me because it didn't go with any of her colors in either of her 2 homes And would I please make her another to match her themes. *+#*)#@#+**##

Deep breath.........I asked her if she knew that old saying about hell and freezing over, She thought I was just being funny. Now gritting my teeth!

Her bithday came and went (we are a day apart in the same month, but a few years apart in age) and I gave her a nice store bought gift and I got my usual discount store present. She told my wonderful sister she didn't think she was going to get "her quilt." Ya think! There is a side of me that would love to make her something she would cherish, but I think that is the the people pleasring side. Oh well, I do care about her, though she does makes it hard sometimes

OK........thanks for letting me blow off a little steam. I figure she is just ignorant and doesn't have a clue what goes into making something vs buying. So thanks for listening....love this group. You have been so helpful and teach me so much.

[Mary Beth]

Kate,

I hate to say this...cause I know that sometimes sisters can be a pain in the patootie..but here is goes...

Life is too short to treat your sister like that (that goes for her too). My sister was my best friend and she passed away 7 years ago after a 2 year battle with cancer. I was fortunate, my sister was kind, loving, and so much fun to be with. I miss her everyday and there is not one day that goes by that I don't think about her.

Don't act like your sister. Treat her with every kindness. Maybe it change her heart. You don't have to give her another quilt. If she ever says anything, just tell her you gave her one and she didn't like it, and if she wants it back then give it to her.

Good luck, I hate to see siblings squabble.

Mary Beth

[ffq-lar]

Hi Kate--

I feel for you and I love Mary Beth's answer about how you already gave her a quilt and she didn't like it-- but can have it any time. That is perfect if she ever asks that question!

I have 3 sisters and they are so different (even though two are twins) but none of them would ever turn down a quilt!

Sounds like she feels "entitled" as many spoiled people do, and she is probably clueless as well.

Decide what is best for your feelings and peace of mind and try to forget the rest. You can adopt me if you want and we can make each other a quilt. You can never have enough "sisters" even if you aren't related!

Linda Rech

[Bonnie]

There are five girls and 2 boys in my family....yes it's a yours, mine and ours, but we are all siblings regardless. However, I too have one sister ( I can't really call her evil I don't know her) I have only seen her about 5 times in all of my 52 years. She went to live with her mother instead of living with us....long story; she didn't get alone with the new blended family and daddy (also her dad) asked her to go away.

Causing for some really bad blood, but I didn't do it ( I was only 1)...it was her and her actions that got her removed. Needless to say I tried to get to know her when I was about 28 and spent sometime with her family. Another sister and I went across two states to visit and I was doing my best to let her know that I wanted to have a relationship with her and her family...nope not going to happen and they were rude and insulting and nasty to me the whole time.

When many years later Daddy died and she did come to the funeral...the rest of her family couldn't be bothered with it, but she came...only to clean out the house of what she thought was her rights because she was also a daughter. That's when I got nasty with her....She couldn't be bothered with coming to see daddy when he was alive (he hadn't seen her in almost 15 yrs at that time) I decided she wasn't going to get anything of memory from his death. I know I wasn't nice and I wasn't myself...and I do regret it, but also think she should have earned that. I also have made quilts for my other sisters, but have hesitated in making her one. My question to you all is should I just bit the bullet and do it and see if it comes back or not bother with it and let it go...we haven't even tried to talk in almost 20 years.

[gable428]

Kate, I have a sister 3 years younger than me and I can honestly say we don't like each other. We are very different and have nothing in common. We haven't talked in months and you know what? I don't care. I learned a long time ago to eliminate to the best of my ability whatever stresses I can, including people who stress me and make life miserable, even if they are family. I've gotten so sick and tired of family members taking advantage and treating me like garbage. For me, it's no longer worth the effort to even try anymore. Hmmm, I sound like I'm the evil one of us two!! Anyway, I think you are right... your sister probably has no idea what you put into making a quilt and she's the one who is missing out on something truly special in a gift from the heart.

Gable

[Mary Beth]

Bonnie,

You tried...I would say you have done enough. Don't make her a quilt.

Her loss...my 2 cents.

Mary Beth

[dixieqwv]

I have a sister too .... our parents divorced when we were very very young. We were split ... 1 to each parent. We did not grow up together and really barely know each other. I've also wanted a large family and to belong to a large family. But that's not going to happen ... I'm 60 now. For years we didn't speak even though we live about 11 miles from each other. I tried several times but things didn't work out. I won't give up trying ... maybe because I'm the middle child ... who knows.

Family problems took place in the last year with our father and now we have a tentative relationship ... not best buds but we are speaking and seeing each other. I'm thrilled.

I've often asked myself ..... "if she died today how would I feel" ..... I may not agree with her outlook on life. I would be crushed if she died even though I have friends who I'm closer to. In the end "she is my sister, my blood.

We each have to make our own decision and what's best for us personally but here's my 2 cents:

If it was me I'd make her the quilt. Maybe you could shop for fabrics together or send her swatches or she could send you swatches. I promise you won't regret making her the quilt.

You know that old saying "Life is too short" ...... don't waste a moment.

[QuiltsbyNini]

OK, here goes my 2 cents worth.

I have a sister that is 7 years younger than me. When she was small, I took care of her like she was my daughter rather than a sister.

As she grew up, she truly turned to the evil side. Between her and her husband they have committed about every crime none to mankind except for murder (as far as I know). I currently am raising two of her grandchildren as my own (soon to be adopting them).

Two years ago, when our mother died suddenly, she came by to see what she could get of Mom's stuff, and haven't seen her or heard from her since. (Did I mention I am raising two of her grandchildren?)

Anyway, I feel life is too short to let her run my life. If I dwell on what I think she should do - that is what I'm doing, letting her run my life.

If you have any type of a relationship at all with your sister, take her at face value and don't let the what if's drive you crazy. Sometimes the only way to dwal with some people is to let them go out of your life.

Anyway, that is my story with an 'evil sister'...

[mrsbishwit]

A gift is a gift and should be received graciously no matter what after all "it's the thought that counts" which is what my mom has taught me.

When I make a quilt for a person I take into consideration there likes/dislikes, color schemes in their home etc...I mean I wouldn't give a contempary style quilt to someone who's decor is country or a bold colorful quilt to someone who prefers neutrals. Also if in doubt I always ask first for their input. That way the quilt is always well received and there is no hard feelings.

My DH has also made it clear to his mother (who also quilts and she wants to make everyone in the family a quilt) "Do not make me a quilt" my DH is not a fan of a gift that is not of use to him and in his mind you can't use a quilt to golf, lol

So my MIL just rolls her eyes and lets out a heavy irritated sigh. I have a feeling though that some day she will make him a quilt whether he wants one or not and he will be annoyed that she did not listen to him.

Joann

[Bonnie]

Thanks everyone....I'm still not sure what I will do, but you have given me food for thought and that is what I was asking for. You are right life is to short.....just not sure how I will use this to solve my dilemma, but I will gratefully take it all in.....I've been so afraid that my sister will do like Kate's did that I just didn't want to open up a fresh wound.

She lives in Washington state and I live in NY so getting together would never happen...telephone calls, I'm sure would never be returned...they screen their calls, heard that from another sister.

Why go step on the nail and stick it in your foot just cuz it there. I'm not one to look for pain, so have been avoiding the issue, but just the last few days I have been thinking about it for some reason.

[Grammie]

this is interesting.

First you made your sister and quilt and she should have graciouly excepted it with no questions. Give it to someone who will Graciously except it and appreciate it. Even a stranger or Needy Cause.

Quilts are just quilts and I have all colors and such. Never met a quilt I didn't like.

[MaryLou5740]

Boy! this is a sad thread...I had this same problem with my mother. She

always made no bones about the fact that she didn't like me....and caused me alot of heart ache and grief in my life. But I finally figured it out...you love the person for being one of God's children...you don't have to love them for what they do. I was 55 y/o when she finally said..."I may have to change my opinion of you, you are pretty nice"...after nursing her for months and buying expensive medications, etc... She waited too long...and

passed soon after that. We never did get to have a relationship.

Make your sister a little wall hanging of the colors she likes, send it with no

return address...then she can't return it? And you don't have weeks of work involved in it. but it'll ease your conscience that once again, you tried.

[Kelly]

I like the wallhanging idea. The idea of less work and cost makes sense to me. You'll still have put effort into a "toxic" relationship and she'll have something from you. People have become so materialistic anymore. I make quilts for people that I think fit them. If I put that much time into something I want it to go to someone who will appreciate it. I would put the quilt that she returned away with a note of who it was made for, the date, etc... and then if she should ever change her mind in the future or if something should happen to you everyone will be able to tell who it belongs to.

Kelly

Mille owner

[qwltnldy]

I have 4 sisters but keep in touch with only one "regularly" and that is kind of a stretch. I love her, but she is the type that really doesn\'t like to get gifts she doesn\'t like. She has a great sense of style that I certainly didn\'t inherit and she hates having to deal with gifts she can\'t use, doesn\'t like, etc. I have made her 1 quilt. I was very careful to observe her house and did the best I could. She was gracious and said all the right things. This was when I was first quilting, but it turned out nice. I didn\'t have a longarm then and it is mostly (ok, all) ditched. The next quilt she got was for her son. I specifically asked what her baby\'s colors would be and used a piece of fabric that SHE had brought me from Hawaii for inspiration colors. She LOVES it. She says the baby loves it and right now it has a place of honor hanging over his crib. It was too big to use as a drag around and will probably end up on his toddler bed.

My philosophy pretty much mirrors everyone else here. That if you give an honest effort at relationship and that effort is repeatedly resisted in some manner, eventually you have to conclude that the person doesn\'t want relationship. I have learned to value family much more than I did when I was younger and am very sad that she and I are not closer, but I have learned to accept what she is able to give and I expect her to do the same for me. We try to walk in forgiveness as best we can and look for the good. If there is none, cut your losses with a clear conscience.

Robin in Vista, CA

[nora123]

Hi Kate,

I can top that. I made my DM and quilt all by hand even the peicing and quilting. It took me a looooooooong time. I finished it christmas eve. She had it a few years and gave it back for the same reason as your sister. I kept it for a long time and then one day I gave it to my sister. This quilt had vintage fabric and it is the drunkards path so all those curved pieces. She told me recently she had cut the red border off of it and would I put a new one on. To this day I have not done so and never will. I heard a cute saying recently. Never give anyone one of your quilts unless they ask for one or it will end up under their dog.

I am so sorry your sister did that to you.

Sincerely,

Nora

Millennium

Washougal WA

[sewlinzi]

Evil sisters deserve BROWN crimplene quilts with scratchy poly bat and lots of puckers and pins left in!!!:mad:

LINZI x

[ramona-quilter]

Bonnie,

Let sleeping dogs lie.

[Susanri]

If you would not choose her to be your friend then you shouldn\'t be forced to just because you once passed through the same womb. We can\'t force people to be nice to us or to like us or appreciate what we do --even if they are our family they usually are the worse offenders

Just be nice and move on and give the quilt to her best friend

[Pam.Nagle]

I\'m sorry. I am the oldest of five. One sibling does not live in our area and has not communicated with us in a while, s/he is busy sowing oats s/he never got to. One other sibling does live close but same thing. The other two are great. You can choose your friends, but not your family. I am the executor/trix (whichever), and I\'ve made it know if there is any grabbing or fighting, it all goes to charity. I also told my parents to make a list. They have. I\'m lucky though, my folks are totally awesome! And, my siblings are too (but the two that don\'t act like it, oh well).

[Lsilver]

So, she didn\'t ask you to ake her a quilt... you decided to. When I make something for someone and they don\'t prize it, it\'s just a fact. That she gave it back to you may indicate she knew it was an effort. I wouldn\'t take it personally. There are plenty of people in the world who will love any little scrap of mediocre something for the sheer sentiment, let alone workmanship and there are others who want everything to match their idea of what is perfect. In case you didn\'t notice, we live in a rather disposable-minded, all-new-and-shiny world orientation, broadly speaking. I think quilters tend to be the prosaic exceptions.

That said, I wouldn\'t go out of my way to make anything substantial for someone whose spoken words didn\'t line up with her expressed values.

Hope you can let go of this dilemma

[Quilting Heidi]

Kate,

I think you have every reason to be upset. It is rude of anybody to give you back something that you handmade for them. She should have accepted it and been thankful that you cared enough to spend hours on her gift.

I don\'t have any sisters but I do have two brothers, both living about 45 minutes from me. We don\'t have a close relationship, mainly because I don\'t like their choices in life and I have no desire to put myself through any more heartache. I am cordial and invite them over for a big Thanksgiving feast...at least I talk to them. My oldest brother hasn\'t talked to my younger brother in over 7 years. He will however now be in the same house as him but only at my house! My mother puts nothing but pressure on me to make them friends and it makes me crazy. I was always the peacemaker in the family and my job was to make things better. My father was an alcoholic and when he got drunk he would often take his frustrations out on those around him but never me. My mother was a nag and never backed down, still is. She would keep up at him and he would get more and more angry and eventually he would hit her. It was a hard way to grow up. I was always the one to be sent into make him "feel better and make him want to be with us." My brothers are both alcoholics and I just can\'t take it anymore so I choose to be cordial but I don\'t go out of my way. My mother tells me I\'m evil for that and you know what she can\'t guilt me into it anymore! That only took me 40 years to learn! My parents were divorced for 20 years when my father died. It was a very ugly death, scerosis. My mother took over and of course sided with my youngest brother on everything. It was by far the most hurtful time in my life and I never thought that my family could inflict so much pain on me but they did. It took more strength than I can ever put in words to actually be able to spend time with either my mom or youngest brother. I don\'t know that I can still say I forgive them...I tolerate them. The painful things they did still burn and it has been 5 years. I think in my own way I\'ve forgiven them but I just can\'t say it. There are those out there that might think that is wrong but you know what I have learned I have to be true to myself.

I tell you this story just so that you remember to be true to yourself. Don\'t make her a new quilt unless you feel like it and don\'t let anybody guilt you into it. Your sister should be ashamed of herself! I have gotten gifts from family that I would never have purchased but it is the thought behind the gift that is what is important! I would say that Linzi\'s idea of a quilt would be perfect if you so choose to take the time to do that!

Heidi

[ncutt]

Life is too short. If you let her treat you like that, how will she ever learn exceptable behavior. She may choose not, anyway, but at least you are not contributing to her bad habit.

[Susanri]

one more thing with my sister who I wouldn\'t say we are close but we try I have to admit she does more than me, to be close.

I found a picture of a quilt I thought would be perfect for her southwestern with horses. --she lives in a log home and raises horses! I decided to make it but something told me ask first! Boy am I glad- It was not her style! she asked if she could send me some swatches of fabric so I could design her something she could show off in her house!

If I had surprised her I would be like you hurt and angry but now I can still surprise her with a quilt but I know it will be used and actually "showed"

[QuiltFaerie]

Any family with more than one member is disfunctional.

My moron brother is also an alcoholic. In 2005, he was in an accident that he caused due to his drinking. Up to that point, mom had told me that he only drank at home. Fortunately no one was seriously injured by the grace of god.

I have watched my elderly parents bail his sorry butt out, time and time again with lawyer expenses, fines, etc and make excuse after excuse for him. I am told, "He is really trying". And lets also mention the fact that they have bought him two cars and the mobile home he lives in.

This is the same moron who tells people that I don\'t know what real work is because I don\'t get my hands dirty. Mind you, I make 4 to 5 times what he does and have plenty to show for it.

Needless to say, when my dear mother suggested I make him a quilt because it would really please him, my immediate response was "When monkeys crawl out of my butt". Can you feel the love?

You can pick you friends, but you cannot pick your family. The best you can do is limit your exposure to them. I\'ve told both my parents, when they pass on, the gravy train is over. I will not walk across the street to help him nor give him a dime. He has made this bed, let him lay in it without one of my quilts.

[Quilting Heidi]

Gail,

Are you sure we don\'t have the same mom? LOL I have heard too that I don\'t work hard because I don\'t do manual labor and the "He is really trying." Yup got old for me too!